Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I have many issues but one I have never shared and not sure I even can except in the vaguest way. Hard for a man to admit allowing themselves to be sexually abused. Left me with much shame and anxiety, although hard to discern exactly what is caused by what since I am also bipolar.
It happened 26 years ago when I was 19. I was in the navy and stationed on a dry-docked submarine. When I arrived I was manic (long before I was diagnosed) and believe my cocky manic attitude antagonized a group of sailors who apparently took it upon themselves to humble me. They were successful. They physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me over 6 months until I was discharged from the navy for some reason I don't remember. I don't remember a lot of things from back them; a lot of things I can't forget.
I was really screwed up after that becoming a meth addict for awhile. Than suffering untreated bipolar illness living on and off the street for many years. After getting on psych meds I was more or less ok for a long time.
One would assume that the effects of such an experience would fade over time. This has not been my experience. I am now frequently suffering panic attacks and nightmares. Sometimes I meet someone who (for some unknown reason) remind me of one of my tormentors and I totally freak out.
I don't know where to start to deal with this. Once, about 4 years after the period I wrote much of it down, thinking to publish anonymously. I had a manic episode where I intended to go to that Navy base and kill them all. Luckily I was traveling by bicycle and only made it 500 miles before I was hospitalized for heat stroke, and then hospitalized for my mania. After that psych intervention I got better for awhile
Anyway, I still don't know where to start to try to deal with this. Can I get rid of the panic attacks, and persistent remembrances.
I'm suffering major depression right now too. It is getting quite unbearable.
It happened 26 years ago when I was 19. I was in the navy and stationed on a dry-docked submarine. When I arrived I was manic (long before I was diagnosed) and believe my cocky manic attitude antagonized a group of sailors who apparently took it upon themselves to humble me. They were successful. They physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me over 6 months until I was discharged from the navy for some reason I don't remember. I don't remember a lot of things from back them; a lot of things I can't forget.
I was really screwed up after that becoming a meth addict for awhile. Than suffering untreated bipolar illness living on and off the street for many years. After getting on psych meds I was more or less ok for a long time.
One would assume that the effects of such an experience would fade over time. This has not been my experience. I am now frequently suffering panic attacks and nightmares. Sometimes I meet someone who (for some unknown reason) remind me of one of my tormentors and I totally freak out.
I don't know where to start to deal with this. Once, about 4 years after the period I wrote much of it down, thinking to publish anonymously. I had a manic episode where I intended to go to that Navy base and kill them all. Luckily I was traveling by bicycle and only made it 500 miles before I was hospitalized for heat stroke, and then hospitalized for my mania. After that psych intervention I got better for awhile
Anyway, I still don't know where to start to try to deal with this. Can I get rid of the panic attacks, and persistent remembrances.
I'm suffering major depression right now too. It is getting quite unbearable.
EMDR might help.
Have you tried to get counseling through the VA yet?
Honestly never looked into PTSD before. My bipolar symptoms and general/social anxiety issues have always been at the focus. I think I never wanted to admit the whole experience so I never pursued a solution.
The one thing that sticks in my mind is why I didn't just go AWOL and get out of the situation. For some reason I allowed myself to suffer this humiliation for so long. Seems like such a simple solution and I can't figure out why i didn't take such a simple solution.
I am glad you are seeking help. I find a lot of help here. Reading what others have said to help, helping others and just reading that I am not alone in my feelings. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, yet I am happy I am not alone.
Having a mental illness and someone that was to be your " brothers" to stand by you hurt you. Major trust was broken. You have come to the right place. I read your profile, too. I am asexual myself. I was very sexual and then nothing. Hang in there!
The reason that it's hard to admit is because you didn't allow it!!!! You weren't a willing participant. If you were, it wouldn't be sexual abuse!!!!! You were forced. Period. All of us were forced.
Why you didn't go AWOL doesn't matter that much honestly. You can't change the past. You can only learn from it.
Unfortunately this kind of trauma will consume most of us until we start really dealing with it and forgive ourselves for whatever WE perceive we did wrong in how we dealt with it at the time. The truth is though, you did nothing wrong, you dealt with it in the ways that you knew how to at the time. They were the ones who were wrong, they are the guilty ones. Not you.
The first step is just talking about what happened to you. Many people find therapy to be the safest way to do that initially. You need a support network too either in person or online. People who you know will support you no matter what, listen to and care about what you say without judging.
I used to have panic attacks 3-4 times a day and thought about my abuse almost constantly. Now I typically get panic attacks about twice a year and hardly think about it without medication. Obviously we're two different people with very different circumstances but it is possible to regain control over your life and be happy again. No matter how much you try to shove this down in to the deepest pits, it will always rise to the surface until you deal with how you feel about it and how it has made you feel as a person. Remember, it was not your fault though. You didn't cause it and you didn't allow it to happen.
I never have said even as much as I have here to an actual person. I have told a couple women including my ex-wife and another romantic partner that something of the sort happened but I coached it in terms making it sound more like bad hazing rather than the true horror of the event. Guess I went about as far talking to my therapist and got a "ah isn't that just awful" type of response. Nothing very helpful or anything that makes me want to open up further.
When I was younger and unmediated for my bipolar I wrote much of it down, with the conviction that the reality of such things must be known, with the intent to publish anonymously. Before that happened I had a manic delusion that Oral Roberts was pursuing me and I fled from Tulsa in the middle of the night on a bicycle leaving all my possessions, including a car, in Tulsa. I only made it as far as Kansas City before collapsing from the heat but I knew I had a secondary "quest". I was going to Portsmouth to kill those involved with a kind of "Dexter" type of intent. Only time in my entire life I can remember having a violent intent against another person. Luckily I ended up being hospitalized and treated for my bipolar and all thoughts of the navy base and those men disappeared for a long time.
Only in the last 10 years or so have they started to invade my thoughts again. Largely spurred by hearing of others, real or fiction, suffering from abuse. That's another thing, they forced me to watch an underage girl raped and beaten who had come onto base. Perhaps worse seeing that than anything they were doing to me. I even had some sort of relationship with her afterward when I was hiding from them off base apparently her home was a dangerous environment for her too and we spent a little time in my car escaping reality. Most of the time I was alone though, I remember sleeping in my car in the middle of winter in New Hampshire to avoid returning to base.
I don't remember many of the things around the events, like I can tell you next to nothing about what I was doing in my job as a yeoman on the barge where I worked. Some things are very clear, even the non-sexual abusive intimidating things like getting thrown over the tailgate of a moving military vehicle into the dirty snow and mud at about 35 mph and the enormous fear when I had to stand guard duty on the barge or sub because it was dark at night and I was exposed to anything. The fact that I was armed didn't console me any. Didn't matter even when nothing came to pass because I was living in a constant state of fear. I know that I was not the only victim there were others before me. When I complained i was being assaulted (I didn't mention the sexual part) it was dismissed as hazing and it was insinuated that i was just being a whiner and to stop saying things about my "superior" officers and crew. I think it was just policy to turn a blind eye to such things.
Most I've said to any "real" people, doubt if I could have gotten half as much out coherently speaking to someone directly. Not sure the process does me any good, but at least I guess it causes no harm.
When I learned to block out the bad I did the same with the good. My memories are like a shattered mirror/ jigsaw puzzle. I don't know what goes together and what doesn't.
I have found a few people in person I can talk to, but not many. If they have never been through it they don't know how to respond