Nope.
He scared the crap out of you and seemed willing to smack you around.
He had nonconsensual sex with you under *threat of violence*.
Legally that is rape.

Not your fault.
Rape is ALWAYS the fault of the rapist. %100. His choice.

You survived a situation in which you could have ended up dead.
Therefore YOU DID IT RIGHT.
Okay?

Its messed up my relationships, sex feels dirty after a while and I end up hating the guy for wanting to have sex or even hug and kiss me, makes me feel trapped

I was date raped when I was 24 and I lived several years thinking it was my fault because I didn't do anything to fight him off. It was a similar situation to yours where I said NO the first time and when I said NO the second time he said "Not this time" and proceeded to rape me.

When something like this happens we each will go into survival mode. For me, because of my past with sexual abuse, that meant lay perfectly still until it was over. When I was raped at 24 I did not remember that I was sexually abused as a child so I didn't have this information yet. Instead, I talked to my Dr. about it (a few years later) and she told me that it was not my fault and that I was raped. This was shocking information because I had lived the past few years thinking it was my fault. A few years after I spoke to this Dr. I went to a therapist and started working towards healing from it. It was another 15 years after this that I remembered the sexual abuse as a child and then everything made sense.

Please find someone to help you through this, a therapist, friend, counselor, someone at your church (if you attend). You can heal and you can live life knowing that it was NOT your fault.

Take care

Yea I totally get the feeling of guilt. Its def not ur fault! I never would even look at mine as being raped until several years ago. It was like 13 yrs later. I even ended up married to mine because of religious beliefs. Lots and lots of faulting myself. My self esteem was crap for a long time.
If you haven't spoken to a therapist I would def suggest it. RANIN is a good resource. Please don't try to sort all ur feelings on ur own. If ur at all like me that's far more than u can handle alone right now. Also the people here have been a great support.

dnt like being touched anymore the thought of it makes me wanna grab a knife n keep them away from me

As gigglemon said, you might want to call RAINN. I called them about something that happened 40 years ago and they were so nice. They hooked me up with a sexual abuse therapist.

http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

I'm hoping they can refer you to some local assistance?

...Something else, the men who are trying to be intimate with you now? They need to earn your trust.
If you are afraid and angry? Maybe it is part of the trauma of being raped, yes.
But maybe it's because the men you are with now need to take more time and work harder to earn your trust.
What do you think it might be? You are worth working for, you know.

Its weird cos sometimes Ill be fine, then I dont wanna be touched or held

You froze and that is a normal reaction from our bodies. It was not your fault. I also froze when I was raped. I didnt understand it either and thought I let it all happen. It was HIS fault. He is the rapist and you didnt deserve this. The mood changes and sometimes one feels better than other times. I would also suggest to find somebody like a therapist and family members or friends with whom you feel comfortable and safe to talk about this. RAINN was also helpful for me. You can heal from this.

i cant tell family or friends

I would suggest you find somebody you can tell about this, so that you don't carry this within you, it lessens the heaviness of this inside you. Somebody who is empathetic with you and if you find people who make you feel bad, keep trying until you find somebody who is kind and empathetic with you and is willing to listen. Blessings your way.

I have just recently come to terms with the fact that I lost my virginity to a rape and early in my marriage my husband began to abuse me this way. The first few years I was married this was nature of my sex life. I understand your fears about feeling at fault because you said yes. You said yes because of fear and manipulation. At least you got away quickly. I lived like this for years not knowing I was being raped. You can't know what you don't know yet. Give yourself some slack and do your best to process your experience and pull strength from educating yourself about how to build a healthier relationship with yourself as well as current/future men.

Sorry to hear that, its almost hard to trust men anymore