Hello everyone I am new to the group. I have been thinking about joining one of these groups for a while. I was sexually, emotionally, and physically abused as a child.My mom use to hit us with the vacuum cord leaving huge welts on our legs and sometimes if she missed lower back. Some of them bleed and for the most part I could not wear shorts or sit for days. The other really bad thing was the wire hangers. For many years she neglected us specially during the time that she was having an affair. I remember our pet duckling dying and my sister trying to feed it rotten beans because it was all we had. I was not even in third grade yet. We were so hungry and alone and crying for her to please come home. Then she would show up with her boyfriend and my brother who is his son and he would tell us how he had hot dogs and cotton candy. When she did give us attention it was usually to hit us. She left my father and we came to the US for a better life. Unfortunately for us a better life included living her drug addict boyfriend. He would make me clean the floor on all fours with my hand instead of using the vacuum while he watched. I will never forget how he burned my hand on the stove for touching his radio. He once drowned my brother, his son, in the bathtub and my mom had to give him CPR. Another time he chased us through a field with a gun. I saw him put a gun to my mom's head and we ran to my uncles for help. She still did not leave him. Instead she packed us up and took us to Los Angeles after him. One day we got called from a neighbors because he hit her so bad the ambulance had to come. I will never forget seeing her like that. I could not even recognize her. She was in a stretcher and the ambulance had to take her away. It was then we became homeless and we had to beg for food on the corner. Finding popcorn on the beach in the garbage to eat, sleeping in the car, and then hiding in an abandoned house.
When she married my stepfather we were all so hopeful for the future. But he molested me for years and because of him raping me I had a miscarriage as a pre-teen. I tried to commit suicide when i was 14 by slashing my wrist with a piece of glass. The doctor said if i had done it just a bit to the left I would have died in minutes. I finally ran away from home when I was about to turn 15. I had to live on the streets eating ketchup packets from restaurants, sleeping at guy's houses, worrying that I would be raped again.
I fell in love and I was so happy. Then the dr's diagnosed me with Ulcerative Colitis (similar to Chron's Disease) and the man I loved with all my heart left me for an arranged marriage. I am bisexual and moved in with a woman for the first time a year later. She was a pathological liar and ran my credit card up in the thousands, cheated on me and hit me. I finally left her and I was in an all time low. Things could not have gotten any worse for me when I was date raped by a "friend". I never thought it was my fault as a child but this time I did. I had drank too much and trusted this guy I knew for almost a year to give me a ride home.
I finally escaped the abuse. I remember asking a friend to take me to planned parenthood the next day but i did not tell her why. I was so ashamed. I escaped all of those things but now I am just a prisoner to my own body. My health declines every year and my joints hurt so bad daily. I am on antidepressants and I try to remain positive.
I still have dreams where I am trying to escape my family at least once a week. My mother once chocked me against the wall because I spilled her shampoo. Her husband held me down by putting his arm over my neck and holding me down while he raped me. So I can't sand anyone touching my neck. I have bad dark thoughts in my mind that I have to constantly try to push out. I cut myself for many years but have stopped. So here I am baring my soul to you guys. I hope that one day these things will all seem like a bad dream that was never true.