You're not being stupid, let's get that out of the way first.

When people have upsetting things happen, they find ways to cope. Some are good, some are bad. It sounds like you coped by cutting yourself off from people. That's not the WORST way to cope, but it isn't the best way either.

You don't just forget this stuff and move on, exactly. But you do process it, become aware of how you coped, and decide to cope in ways that will make you happier.

There are a lot of ways to do this. Not every way works for everyone. So you have to try different ways to find what works for YOU.

Places like this are a good way to find different ways to try and relearn better ways to cope. I know I'll try to help, so will others.

All this is fixable. It is just a matter of how you try, and how soon it works. But you will be ok.

No you're not stupid. i only have a few close friends and then i have friends that aren't quite so close. Are you one who puts alot of energy into your close relationships? if so, maybe it's better you only have a few. Actually, I've read that it's quite normal, because a person can only concentrate their energy on so many people. If that makes any sense

star755,

I would first ask if you consider yourself an introvert or an extravert or ambivert?

I didn't realize for years that my personality favors the introvert profile; instead I labeled my need for lots of alone time as a negative thing and attributed it to the long-term abuse I experienced in childhood.

Two experiences helped me realize my natural nature. I organized a three day workshop out of state for the county. My feelings were hurt that no one asked me to share a room in the hotel I'd booked for the members of the group.

But, after attending classes from 9 to 5 I realized I needed to be alone and was grateful I didn't have a roommate. I became more grateful as each day passed. Still, I didn't realize my personality type.

The second experience was pretty straight forward. I took the Myers-Briggs Personality test. The results blew me away. It felt like someone had gotten into my brain to learn all about me.
I felt understood for the first time in my life.

And more importantly, I stopped feeling like there was something terribly wrong with me. As an introvert I spend lots of time alone. Sometimes I get lonely but if that feeling starts to feel overwhelming I reach out to others.

I have three very close friends and a number of acquaintances. Recently, I've decided to join some groups to get to know more people and it's been fun.

Sure, it took me out of my comfort zone but like someone said, "If you're not on the edge you're taking up too much space." LOL. Wish I knew who said that.

I believe it's important not to attribute everything about me to the abuse. When I do that I overlook other parts of me.

As for my experience of being abused, I don't tell people unless it seems important to tell. Those that I've told have been my three best friends--who all happen to be survivors themselves; my therapist, my husband, my son--though I gave him only age-appropriate information as he was growing, and a few members of my family who had also experienced some abuse.

I know that should I decide to share my childhood with someone who did not experience abuse I will consider carefully. I also know that I will feel no shame because the shame is not mine; it belongs to the many perpetrators who perpetrated their acts on an innocent child.

And star755, I agree with TimHansen that first, you are not stupid. And second that sexual abuse is not something that you can "just try and forget...and move on."

You are going to have work hard to heal. It's a process that requires you to find out what works for you, as Tim said. Healing journeys are individual undertakings with their own time-frames.

Finding a therapist to help sort through the abuse and confusion it brought helped me a lot. And so did educating myself about the impact of abuse on my life; in this regard I'd recommend The Courage to Heal by Bass & Davis if you haven't already read it.

It does, indeed, require courage to heal but healing is a reality. Become part of this reality.

xx
SuzA

I feel lonely too. I too only have 2-3 close friends that I know I can really trust. To be honest, I think that's normal. How many people do you know have 25+ " friends" and are close to every single one of them? Most people have a few that really count. It's about quality not quantity. The important thing is that they accept you for you and you can trust them.
Unfortunately, when I am depressed I withdraw myself COMPLETELY. Spending time alone is not in itself problematic. It's healthy to spend time alone. I take it to the extreme and I know its not healthy. I lose touch with my friends, I put distance between myself and family, and all I want to do is be left alone. This, I think is problematic. I cope with my feelings by cocooning, and I don't think that is healthy.
I don't talk about abuse with friends or anyone for that matter. My closest friend knows and that's it. I know that most of my friends have a hard time understanding what the hell is going on with me when I just disappear. I struggle with explaining to them why I act the way I act.
All this to say, YOU ARE NOT STUPID! I can say that I relate. You can't get over it or move on until you face it and deal with it. It's not something you can wish away. Trust me, I've kept it a secret for 20 years...I know.

First, you are not stupid. Those negative thoughts are the same ones that keep us trapped in the past, berating ourselves for things we could have, should have, or would have done.

I'll tell you a secret... I did not tell my current husband about my sexual abuse history until years after we were married. I had learned the hard way from my ex-husband that my abuse could be used against me to belittle and abuse me yet again. I have never forgotten what happened to me as a child, but I do not dwell on it daily. Usually I do not think about it. Like most people I have way too many other things to take care of TODAY to still grieve over yesterday. But there are times when I do grieve for that little girl who never had a chance to really be who she was deep inside.

I always thought I was shy. I did not know that my being quiet was a coping tool in hopes of not being noticed. I have a very few close friends and making new, close friendships is nearly impossible for me. However, I try to talk to people. I try to smile at people in the grocery store and compliment people on their clothes or something else. It has taken me YEARS to have the courage to do this. But I am tired of feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people.

You are so much more than the abuse you went through. (I have to put kids to bed or I would write more). I hope you will have something beautiful cross your path today that will uplift your spirit.