Do you believe you must forgive your abuser?
Will it benefit you? Will it help you move on with your life? If you think it will....

The Art of Forgiving. When you need to forgive and dont know how. Lewis B Smedes.

The Courage to Heal: a guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse. Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

Woman thou art loosed! Healing wounds of the Past. TD Jakes.

I;m struggling with that too. I think you should wait until/if you're ready to forgive. And no, I don't think you absolutely have to in order to heal. But if its important to you, it may help to remember that most abusers were also abused.
And that parents do the best they can. I know that may not help (it didn't help me, but it seems to helps others).

I'm going to reiterate what others have said, forgiveness isn't something you HAVE to give, and don't let anyone tell you. But for many it's a matter of helping you heal. As long as your doing it for you thats a good thing. But don't try to do it for them. Define forgiveness for yourself. what do you want it to mean? For me forgiveness is no longer hating my father. But he will never be a part of my life. For me, forgiveness is remembering the good without instantly being angry about the bad. For me, it is being at peace knowing that i will not wrong him or seek revenge because i don't hate him. But I will not forget so he will not ever be my dad again. Dad is a term he lost. And I can't give that back to him. Define it for yourself.

There's also this book that I've been wanting to check out: The Sunflower: On the Possiblities and Limits of Forgiveness. I've never read it, but here's a description from the Web: "In this 1976 volume, divided into two sections, Wiesenthal tackles the question of the possibilities and limits of forgiveness. The first part relates the story of how Wiesenthal, as a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp, was brought before a dying SS trooper, who explained his actions and asked for forgiveness, which Wiesenthal could not bring himself to bestow. In the second section, Wiesenthal presents the story to an array of leading intellectuals and asks, "What would you have done?" This edition contains all the original responses plus additional ones from Primo Levi, Cynthia Ozick, Albert Speer, and others. Heavy stuff."

Stephanie...Forgiveness is not about the perpetrator. Its about you and you being able to find peace with in yourself. I am a living witness that it releases a weight from your shoulders. For many years after my rapes I could not move on and I could not understand why. But God revealed to me that I needed to forgive. It doesnt mean that you have to go to that person and face them. It is something that you do within yourself. I dont want to see any of the men that raped me but I can pray for them. I can hope that they have changed their lives around because if I pray that prayer and it happens, its a chance that other women wont have to go through what they put me through. I personally believe that forgiveness is a major step in recovery.

Forgiveness can be a part of healing, but it doesn't have to be a goal. As I worked on my recovery, forgiveness came organically. I did not set out to forgive my abusers. One thing I'd like to stress is that forgiving does not mean that what they did was ok. It does not mean that I'll act like it didn't happen. It doesn't mean that I'll forget. For me, it means that I don't hate my abusers. I don't wish them ill will. I hope that they receive treatment and can lead honest happy lives.

Good luck. And please be gentle with yourself. (((HUG)))

thank you all for your advice. I don't wish for my abuser to die a horrible death or anything like that. I'm holding a bit of resentment toward the fact that it happened to me. You know the WHY ME thing. IF ONLY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN thing. FadingFast I like the whole define forgiveness for myself concept. I will do that as well as buy the books that have been recommended. Hugs to all

When my main abuser died (my older brother), I cried a bucket load of tears. They weren't for him. They were for me.

Now, it's been a lot of years. I have survived and thrived. I have softened with time.

Forgiveness is a very individual deal. It's not for everyone. I have been able to forgive, because like you, my mother is deceased, and it was easier to forgive her that way. You will know when you are ready to do it, and just know, take your time. It has to get worse before it gets better. Once you work it through, and if you decide to do it, writing a letter is helpful. You don't have to read it to anyone, but it begins the real healing process. I hope this helps. Take care.