Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I have only shared this story with two people. Thanks for reading it.
When I was younger, around 7 or 8 I was molested by my brother a few times. He would make me do oral sex to him. I do not remember if I was scared or not. When I was around 16 this repressed memory came back to my conscious.
When I started having sex at age 16 is when I started to remember this. I would let boys use me. Just about anyone. I thought I was ugly and it was all I had to offer. It made me feel good to be wanted.
When I met my now husband when I was 22 (2007) this lifestyle started to affect me. I would have flash backs of being used. I would tell him not to touch me. I told him what happened. At first he was okay with it and helpful. Once I had my first child, I suffered from pp and I had no interest in sex.
During this time he would always beg me to have sex or oral sex and I will give in. I started to hate sex and have more and more flash backs. I started to hate sex and often felt dirty nasty and used.
So many months and excuses of why I couldn't have sex had him upset. He started to say that everybody mess me up for him. He also said that now I have a man who loves me, and I don't want to do things to make him happy. I tried to tell him that I cannot be forced to have sex when I am having an episode. He said I am suppose to do it no matter how I feel.
(I am getting upset just thinking about the sob)
He said that since I am his wife it is my duty to do it for him and I need to put my feelings aside. He made my problem worst, because he would use sex as a weapon. I had to have sex, so he would give me money, so he would not leave, and so he would not yell at me. I felt like I felt when I was 16 and just having sex to feel wanted :(
This really hurt me deep inside. Now it is 2013 and I am still struggling with this issue. I received some help for this, but I think I got the wrong psychologist. She just told me general information. I went about 4 times and I stopped going. I only went because I thought I would be taught some skills to deal with this. Talking about it is okay, but it was not enough.
I feel good right now. I finally got rid of my husband by having a restraining order on him. I can sleep in my bed without being woke up to be used! I know this is only temporary the judge only gave us two week. After that we will have to go back in front of her. I hope that he gets some help during these two weeks because if not I will take the next step.
We have other problems not just the sexual abuse. There is verbal abuse on me, physical abuse on me, I have depression, and he has schizophrenia
I think I am going to sleep in tonight and celebrate a peaceful night sleep. But I do feel bad because he is sleep in his car. I just want some prayer that I do not feel too bad enough for him to let him back in the house before the two weeks are up and he has another chance to abuse me.
When I was younger, around 7 or 8 I was molested by my brother a few times. He would make me do oral sex to him. I do not remember if I was scared or not. When I was around 16 this repressed memory came back to my conscious.
When I started having sex at age 16 is when I started to remember this. I would let boys use me. Just about anyone. I thought I was ugly and it was all I had to offer. It made me feel good to be wanted.
When I met my now husband when I was 22 (2007) this lifestyle started to affect me. I would have flash backs of being used. I would tell him not to touch me. I told him what happened. At first he was okay with it and helpful. Once I had my first child, I suffered from pp and I had no interest in sex.
During this time he would always beg me to have sex or oral sex and I will give in. I started to hate sex and have more and more flash backs. I started to hate sex and often felt dirty nasty and used.
So many months and excuses of why I couldn't have sex had him upset. He started to say that everybody mess me up for him. He also said that now I have a man who loves me, and I don't want to do things to make him happy. I tried to tell him that I cannot be forced to have sex when I am having an episode. He said I am suppose to do it no matter how I feel.
(I am getting upset just thinking about the sob)
He said that since I am his wife it is my duty to do it for him and I need to put my feelings aside. He made my problem worst, because he would use sex as a weapon. I had to have sex, so he would give me money, so he would not leave, and so he would not yell at me. I felt like I felt when I was 16 and just having sex to feel wanted :(
This really hurt me deep inside. Now it is 2013 and I am still struggling with this issue. I received some help for this, but I think I got the wrong psychologist. She just told me general information. I went about 4 times and I stopped going. I only went because I thought I would be taught some skills to deal with this. Talking about it is okay, but it was not enough.
I feel good right now. I finally got rid of my husband by having a restraining order on him. I can sleep in my bed without being woke up to be used! I know this is only temporary the judge only gave us two week. After that we will have to go back in front of her. I hope that he gets some help during these two weeks because if not I will take the next step.
We have other problems not just the sexual abuse. There is verbal abuse on me, physical abuse on me, I have depression, and he has schizophrenia
I think I am going to sleep in tonight and celebrate a peaceful night sleep. But I do feel bad because he is sleep in his car. I just want some prayer that I do not feel too bad enough for him to let him back in the house before the two weeks are up and he has another chance to abuse me.
sorry so long of a reply. if you made it to this part, I hope you consider really getting out of that situation. ,I know, God do I know, how hard it really is. I spent a year a little more, crying myself to sleep at night, wondering "what if" .. and I. counseling reprogramming my brain washed mind that I wasnt a whore piece of shit that would never survivor without him, and it was on the top of my hardest ever accomplishments, but I did it. I survived. and I am not getting smacked around anymore and even better, though it took me 8 -9 yrs to find I am in love with the best possible man I could hope for I. my life. now.
good luck :)
I am so sorry for what you both have gone through. Nothing seems to have changed in regard to domestic violence these days. Its like we that go through this are scum and deserve it.
I have not been through it as bad as you both but I have been there and it is not good. Not nice and nothing that we deserve.
Its so sad that so many go through this in their lives. Always some man to damage you.
Please remain strong, as you already are, and do not allow that man back into your life. He does not deserve you and he will never change.
Thinking of you
I udnerstand you better, freakchic, and am sorry you've had to go through all of that.
zanta, it sounds like your husband has been trying the best he knew how, but if he is schizophrenic and just is all confused now, it looks like it's best for you two to separate before things get any worse.
I understand your difficulty about getting close and getting the flashbackis, and it takes some real sensitivity and patience on the part of your partner to overcome that. I know it does for me. And somehow I just went from the frying pan into the fire cuz I seemed to be stuck in a pattern of relating that was a continuation of the pattern I was used to.
It was when I started doing the AA and ACoA 12 Steps that my recovery really got moving. I found that, with help from my Higher Power I could get out of a pattern of abuse and learn healthier ways to relate and healthier men to relate to. It seemed then, and now, sooooo amazing! just to have someone be nice to me seemed very amazing. I didn't belive in Love at all. I had an equation that I thought was 'truth'.. love = sex = violence. Now I use a capital L for what I have discovered is real Love, as opposed to the sickness that was what I thought was 'love' in that equation.
I hope for you all the best things on your paths of recovery,, the journey of life that includes healing from the past and a healthy future, full of Love and Life and joy. :)
You're not safe with.
You need to be physically safe in your own home, it's a very basic requirement.
...You should contact your local women's center, see what kind of help you can get to leave him.