I don't know what to say except your not alone, it is painful, humiliating, lonely and not to mention the damage to our self esteem. Does he offer any explanation? Is affectionate in other ways? Hand holding etc?

No, he’s never offered an explaination. The only time he’s ever affectionate with me is when he knows I’m extremely upset and he wants to avoid a fight. Then it’s just a hug and a peck of a kiss to shut me up.

Thank you for your support. It helps to talk to someone about it.

I know I've found more comfort in strangers on this website than I do from my own partner. Have you ever asked him why he doesn't want to touch you or make love to you? My partner is a porn addict which is why he has no interest in a real relationship, intimacy or any type of closeness and no remorse. He claims he has stopped but I've seen no signs of the phases that porn addicts typically go through in recovery and sex and intimacy is on existent still so I suspect he has just found a better way to hide it. Have you threatened to break up the marriage? Have you suggested a therapist?

So....a few questions...

Was he always like this? Or were there better times and the intimacy has just evaporated?

How long has your relationship been a thing?

How long has the sexless stage been afoot?

For me, the once or twice a year frequency turned to never about 4 years ago, so I understand the constant pain, rejection, humiliation, and the nagging sense that it must be you. It isn’t you.

i bought my husband his own bed. i became tired of the "close but not close" proximity. it's helped. we share a room but being free of sharing a bed with him has helped me be less angry and makes me free of hoping "today/tonight might be the night!" i also noticed that being physically away from him is helpful as even his scent is alluring.

on the nights I'm "okay" not having sex, ive been able to coax him into "cuddle sessions" which have allowed my mind and my body to become used to a sexless marriage. i told him the more he cuddles with me, the less ill bother him about sex. surprisingly, i successfully convinced him and have also had multiple opportunities to be physically close to him with out sexual conduct.

im only 30. i didn't agree to a sexless marriage. im too young for this crap. it isn't fair. but, hes got issues he's got to deal with, so in the mean time I refuse to cry over him anymore. I've got too much to do to keep wondering what the hell crawled up his ass and made him decide to perpetually refuse his spouse.

i just accepted it. after fighting it for years. i accepted he's weird, i accepted ill remain in this marriage, i accepted i love him, i accepted sex will always be a contentious issue, i accepted i will be different from my friends and family because of this (yes bc SO many ppl can relate to me, ugh), i accepted that the gym or some sport will have to unsatisfactorily fulfill my physical angst, and i decided that i would rather say no to sex than yes to giving him power over me. that game is over for me. i flatly refuse. so now my enemy is not my husband, but myself. i can deal with that.

all of this is easier said than done, and everyone deals with this crazy situation differently. in my situation, this is the best i can come up with and the most respectable.

dig deep girlie. there are days i feel like I'm trapped and other days I feel free. maybe there's a way you can help yourself feel freedom, question is what helps you feel free. some people find comfort and hope in counseling. i found relief in distancing myself, etc.

My husband is an alcoholic, porn addict, and video game addict. We’ve been together for 11 years though we’ve only been married for 3. The lack of sex and any type of intimacy started shortly after we were married. I’ve threatened to cheat on him ( even though I never would) I’ve suggested counseling. I’ve even threatened divorce.

threatening separation did it for me. i went to rocket lawyer and the paperwork is very easy. my plan was to fill out the papers and have them simply reviewed by an attorney where i live. on a day he simply crossed the line for the last time for me, since i have kids, i wanted him out of the house the next day for 2 - 4 weeks just to give me space. and i told him if he refused me this one small break, id go full throttle with a year separation. he became irate. then he finally calmed down and decided on his own that maybe we do need counseling and agreed and helped pursue a proper Counselor. honestly, we ended up NOT going to counseling because we're waiting, however he had a very big wake up call that his behavior was completely unacceptable and has been intentful on changing his behaviors.

wake up calls are helpful. wake up calls come in different forms for everyone. and if he never "wakes up" despite your incessant efforts, might be time for you to reflect what youre hoping to achieve with your own life???

@PrettyPoet I am so sorry that you, too, have a husband like mine. The once or twice a year for us has now become a horrible reminder of how awkward we are together. Feeling lonely, worthless, ugly....the low self esteem that is now rock bottom, all horrible feelings I am sure none of us deserve to feel. My husband responds the same way, that Im just being "stupid." He wont talk about it, not really and never to any resolution or truth. We have been to counseling twice now but he is convinced that A. Its because we don't spend enough time together (our schedules have never changed) and B. That his issues are normal (he needs to Google it...yeah, it can be a problem in your 40s but it is NOT that normal at our age). And...even if its normal to not maintain an erection it is NOT normal to not engage in any form of intimacy with your wife. So yes...now the anger and resentment sets in. Remember, it is NOT you and it is NOT me....if our marriages fail, it is on them as long as we do all we can, making every effort possible, to salvage and repair what's been lost. We only have control over our OWN actions and reactions...we cannot control anyone other than ourselves. We just need to learn to love ourselves first....and do what is best for our well being.

I would like to share a cautionary tale. I have been married to an alcoholic for over 30 years. I didn't leave because I wanted so badly to believe that we could overcome this. Every time he would 'go on the wagon' I would get my hopes up only to have them destroyed again & again. As his drinking got worse, physical intimacy became less & less until it ceased entirely. At this point I can't remember the last time we had sex or any sort of physical intimacy (no hugs, cuddling, nothing). I'm sure it's been at least 15 years ... probably more. Even so, I never cheated. I'm 59 now & it finally occurred to me a while back that I might never have a sexual relationship with a man again. Never be held or kissed again. I spent my life trying to help this selfish man & now it's too late for me to recoup my life. Here I was worrying about being faithful & not cheating & in the end I was cheated out of living a life that was worth living.

So, knowing what I know now, if I were you I would do the following:
1) Tell him he has to get help for his addictions. I don't know that about porn or video games but I do know that the chances of an alcoholic being able to quit drinking on his/her own are slim at best.
2) If he refuses to get help or doesn't stick with it ... Leave. You're still young & you can recoup your life. Do not be me & throw your life away on a lost cause or by trying to help someone who doesn't want help. Your life is valuable, do not waste it.

I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer but if my story can save anyone from living with the kind of regret & despair that I live with, it's worth it to share. Best of luck. My heart goes out to you.