Hi, this is my first post here.  Here is my story...

I was married for 10 years( currently separated and both are dating other people). In my marriage the sex stopped at about Year five then became non exsistent. It’s not the reason we broke up; we just drifted apart all together but I feel it’s important to preface that as this isn’t the first time this has happened to me so I feel as though it’s making my emotions exacerbated even more  

I am currently in a new relationship and we have been together for 8 months. When we first got together the sex was non stop we went 3-5 times a day for months. Then at about month 4 it slowed down to maybe once a week, then went to ever other week, then went to every three weeks to now it’s non existent and a real source of discourse in our relationship. We fight about it constantly. He tells me he just doesn’t feel sexual.  Two months ago he told me to get my IUD taken out because we wanted to start trying for a baby.  This idea really turned him on because he said we were having sex for a purpose and not just for fun. We were once again having sex non stop.  After that one month I didn’t get pregnant( I didn’t really expect too as I’m in my upper 30’s and I know it’s going to take some real trying).  In his defense he has been sick off and on for the past few months  and had his gallbladder out a month ago. I do feel like a real jerk even asking him about sex because I know he is just starting to feel better but I just don’t understand how he is after me one month and then it goes right back to being stale. Prior to this he did tell me that a lot of his prior girlfriends have complained about sex and the lack there of. He told me he just stops having sex with them because he puts them on a pedestal and doesn’t want to defile them.   When we do have sex now it’s because I have been upset about it so he usually comes over to me and whips it out and tells me to “see if I can get it going” this happened last night after I was rather upset again because it’s been over a month since we had sex and I thought we were trying for a baby.  I told him no that I didn’t want sex like this and he seemed confused; then I just told him I wasn’t in the mood to which he got mildly offended because I never tell him no.  Earlier this week he did the same and came in and asked me to try and “get it going” so I tried to and he told me to stop that the way I was touching him was grossing him out. To which I got very upset and started crying then a fight ensued.  He tells me that I don’t know how to touch him right a lot and it makes me feel very insecure and inadequate in the bedroom. The thing that is odd to me is he’s very wishy washy about that  because other times he tells me that I am good in bed and there is nothing wrong   I should add that he is an alcoholic and was told he had to quit drinking after his surgery to which he has stopped the hard alcohol and drinks a few beers a night still.  He also smokes weed and when he used to drink heavily that was his reason to why he never felt in the mood because he said he was just numb down there. There has been several occasions to where he has sex with me and stops and says well you got off I’m not going to keep going because we will be here forever  and he just stops.  I have caught him masterbating quite a few times in the middle of the night when he thinks I’m asleep. I also know he watches porn as we had one occasion where he was having sex with me while he watched porn.  

We had an argument about sex last night which brought me to look for a support group today. He told me that he doesn’t feel like having sex and that he’s just starting to feel better. He said that when he is finally 100% if I feel like he isn’t giving me enough attention that we should split up and let’s wait it out to see. We aren’t married but he has asked me to marry him which he has told me because of that fact I need to relax about this whole thing. That we have all the time in the world.  I told him I was sorry for the fighting we have been going through and he told me there is  nothing to be sorry about and that he loves me and sometimes we as humans just have bad days. I love him with my whole heart and I want to be with him and marry him one day. I do ask myself can I go on like this forever?  Then I feel completely shallow for feeling the way I do. I worry I’m brining my past feelings from my last sexless relationship into this one and is that fair to him.  I used to find solace that he has always been super affectionate with me in other ways- lots of cuddling and kissing and he always holds me at night but all of those things too are starting to dwindle. I feel so sad all the time because I want this man so bad but he doesn’t want me. He tells me to quit being mopey and I tell him how can I not?  I feel so ugly and gross and unwanted in the bedroom.  My feelings have really become intense as of late and I find myself crying a lot when I’m alone.  Everyone I have confided in tells me to just leave him but I love him very much. I know that’s conundrum but I have been doing some reading and it’s interesting that I am not alone in my feelings. Anyway that is what I am going through and I am feeling really down today and I don’t even want to go home because I feel as though I have to fake and hide my feelings. I feel helpless and hopeless. I feel like I had something I cherished and everything was right then it got taken away.