Yeah i know what you mean same here for me as well. After i tear his butt up and down he works on the things i tell him for a little bit then goes back to what he normally does which makes me majorly depressed. Have you tried marriage counseling?? it may help i know it did for us but im still trying to get him to go back but with lies coming out of his mouth i don't believe or trust him no more.

Hope things get better for you.
Hope this somewhat helps!
Lu

Thank you for your input! Yes we have tried counseling. It helped but he doesn't act interested in doing it again. He was sexually abused as a child and he is supposed to be working on that. Our counselor gave him a workbook to help him but I don't think he has touched it in years

Yes that is a very difficult roller coaster to be on. I deal with it with my wife. When I get fed up and angry she will do just enough to "talk me down" as far as just giving up and leaving. But shortly thereafter it is back to the same old routine. I would love to hear about any effective actions because I have tried many. All to no avail. We are talking about counseling as well.

I feel guilty for wanting more. He is great in lots of ways. Provider, father, cooks, cleans. We have a lot in common. He says he just isn't interested in sex. When he does give in, he wants me to massage him to get him in the mood. Forget foreplay for me.

@tryingto I'm glad you are considering counseling. It did help us when we were going. I think we should do it again but my hubby doesn't.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting the most important relationship in your life to be complete, authentic, sincere, and periodically playful. That isn’t some sort of Disney wish that only comes true in movies.

Marriage is hard and involves concession and compromise every day. That said, you shouldn’t compromise the complete physical/emotional intimacy that is unique to that relationship. Without that you have a love relationship that is much more like a sibling...not a spouse and lover and the love of one’s life.

Virtually everyone here misses the sex, but the “exit wound” is the emotional dungeon of feeling inadequate, unattractive, rejected, lonely and unlovable.

May the force be with you

@pietro84 Very eloquently explained. I deal with being passive aggressive towards him because he never changes. Thank you for validating my feelings.

You are welcome. You’re in good company here. Most of us are in pretty much the same lonely place and there are no “all you have to do is _______” solutions.

What is interesting to me are the parallels between our collective predicaments and that of spouses of alcoholics.

It is uncanny.

Not something you can talk about...a dark secret...lonely & abandoned...not the person I married....love/hate....stay or leave...etc.....

P

We've been intimate twice this year. Every time I promise myself I'm not going to bring it up, I open my big mouth and it turns into an argument. He says I should just focus on the good things and pray about the rest. Easier said than done. I'm afraid it will finally get to the point where I no longer care.

I just read intimacy anorexia by Dr Douglas Weiss and it explains a lot. Now trying to figure out how to clue my husband in lol