Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
Hello, Everyone! I am new to this group and just wanted to say hello.
I am not married, but I am in a sexless relationship. He has never been sexually attracted to me, and anything we have done (yes, even including the very first time we had sex) has only been because of my insistence/nagging and occasionally even bullying. I love him and we have an amazing relationship; he just is not attracted to me and I am almost ashamed to admit that I find that very difficult to handle.
I would love to hear from others and find out how I can cope with this more effectively than I have been. As recently as last night I brought up wanting to do certain things with him and he became very uncomfortable and has not wanted to have anything to do with me all day. Normally we spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other's company, but after I said last night that I was having urges, he is avoiding me like the plague.
I am unfortunately a very sexual person and he initially told me he was, too. But once or twice per year does not seem to count as being "very sexual" in my book. I have gotten so desperate that I have even spoken with his exes who all told me he was insatiable when they were together. I have tried EVERYTHING from looking more like them to doing the things they do in bed, etc... nothing has worked. At this point I need to just resign myself to a life of celibacy, but I just really need some help in learning how to do so without losing my mind. I feel HORRIBLE that I keep asking him to do things with me that he clearly has less than zero interest in doing. It has to stop before I lose my relationship.
Forgive me for asking, but I am just wondering-- you say he is not physically attracted to you? Could it be then that maybe your relationship is more of a very good friendship?
You also said his exes said otherwise. I wonder if they exaggerated or if some time has passed and maybe he has lower testosterone levels? (If so, that is usually a fairly easy fix.)
If there is something else wrong or if he is as my husband was (simply shut down both emotionally and physically) it is far harder to deal with.
I have to say-- you should NOT feel guilty or made to feel horrible for simply wanting to share that with him. I got to the point where I stopped asking him and simply tried to take care of things myself (with my toys) There were several occasions when he walked in on me and did the eye roll and "Oh God, not again?" (even though it was not that often.) He did try to make me feel embarassed and like a sex fiend. For a long time it worked. Thanks to others here, I finally came to realize that I am human and also have needs.
For you I would ask myself if I could be content with a great friendship but no sparks or physical touch. Technically, if he does not want to go there-- you could have this bond with him but still maybe find a complete and loving relationship . The best of both worlds.
Hang in there .
Hugs, Kim
He’s used to Barbie doll type girls and I’m... well, I lift heavy every day lol I’m just not his “type” and I don’t think he is able to look past that. And I’m not really willing to make that extreme of a change for some sex that I probably won’t get anyway lol
Who knows? Maybe it could be that he is trying to get his life back on track and has realized he did not like who he was when he drank? (In the bedroom I mean) Have you tried to talk to him to see what the problem was? If he simply says you are not his type--then you deserve someone who does want to share everything with you. You should not have to settle for anything less.
Hugs, Kim
Best of luck working on your life:)
My fiancé has never been attracted to me but has always been affectionate. He does try very hard to make me feel attractive, even if he himself is not attracted to me. I know I am an attractive person, I’m just not his “type.” Like you, I had to learn not to take things personally. It wasn’t easy, but definitely made things much easier to accept.
Maybe he is not so secure in how he now looks or acts without the alcohol affecting things? If it is hard for him, have you asked him why? I have become far too curious these days and I would come right out and ask. (Unfortunately, I did not always get a response from my husband before he died. ) I did like you. I gave up and got tired of being disappointed. It was easier for me to just keep quiet rather than start another argument . He no longer and any need or desire for sex and thought I shouldn't either. (Didn't work. I am not dead yet,)
I do wish you all the best. You deserve to be with someone who does want you in every sense of the word. We all do.
I quit drinking 2 1/2 years ago and my libido picked up after two months. However the mental/emotional journey has been ongoing. I feel like a different person in many ways. I’ve heard that some people need to work their sobriety before being able to be present in a relationship. Maybe he’s looking for his path and is still unsteady.
Without open communication we can not know what another is going through.
As far as my relationship I feel that whatever is meant to be is what will work out. After this long together we are family and that’s not going to change. Weather we will be living in the same place remains to be seen. We talk everyday and really care about each other so it’s not really that hard. No egos involved which changes everything.
Queen is right you know. We all deserve to be with a partner who shares equally.