Hi. Sorry you’re here. But welcome to our little group. We have 200+ members and about five that actually chat. Lol. I don’t know how many actually check in here. A couple of us are frequent fliers. I joined in March because I was lonely and frustrated also. My lovely wife and I had drifted apart in a big way over the last decade and were basically roommates. Intimacy was fading away. Then I decided to get my life back. I knew I wanted her in it but wasn’t sure she felt the same. She struggles to show affection so I began to heal myself and as my confidence grew I have been able to show her how much she means to me. It’s slow going but it feels much different in all the right ways. I’m lucky in that, although I initiate EVERY single touch, she is receptive to it. Many are not as ‘fortunate’. As you know. We’re working up to a few times a month. That’s a long way from 0. She had gained some weight last year and I was every bit as attracted as I am now that she’s back to her goal weight. The problem was that I wasn’t attracted to myself. So I didn’t feel sexy and you can imagine where that got us. Same with her. Healthy sex comes from two healthy individuals. No getting around that. And I am not saying we all need to be sleek, tanned, toned beautiful bodies. We need to feel healthy on the inside. Where it really matters. I see more and more here that most of the suffering stems from this letting down of ourselves , which of course, let’s our spouses down. And the relationship stops and starts to die. For me I am just trying to become a better man for myself and her. And go from there. There are a lot of moving parts that need to all come together. I hope you can get yours moving in the right direction. Open communication is the only way to proceed. You seem like a pretty responsible, mature woman. How mature is he? Maybe he needs to consider that question without getting all defensive. And hurt. I’m getting near 50 and can say honestly that I am just finding my mature self. You gotta want it to have it. Stay in touch

Meant to say when they let themselves down it affects us. That’s many folks here. In my case I was equally responsible for our near-sexless marriage. You can talk to him but you can’t fix him.

Thank you for response! He struggles with being mature. I love him dearly but it’s a daily struggle to try to get him to be responsible- which is probably what my problem is. You’re right - I can’t change him. I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying to make it to the gym, I’m in school, I just got my LPN, I am trying to dress sexier for him, do my make up even though he says “I don’t need it”.

But after thinking about what you said and how it’s been going, I think it’s come down to this. He doesn’t wanna have sex with me because I constantly tell him what to do. In my defense though, if I never asked him to do something, he wouldn’t do it. Stuff like mow the yard, feed the dogs, take the car to get the oil changed. All things I could do myself but literally sometimes just don’t have the time. And I have had a conversation with him repeatedly about this - that I wish I didn’t have to constantly ask him to help me do the things we both should be doing together. That I feel like I am doing a lot of it alone. He listens, says he understands, and in a week, we are right back to where we began. So maybe he views me as his mom and who the hell wants to screw their mother?

Because as much he doesn’t want me to boss him around like his mother, I can guarantee that I 110% don’t want to be in that role either.

No you don’t. That’s not the role you signed up for. And will also keep him from finding his own way. I have been getting my shit together because I had a wake up call that showed me that my path right now is to just take responsibility for myself and see what those around me choose to do. I have a vague plan in my head so writing down the steps I need to take helps get it into perspective. If you sat down with him and wrote it together maybe he wouldn’t perceive it as your ‘demands ‘. Just what needs to be done and then he could make his own choice to do it or not? A little hand holding but better than feeling like a nag. Which you aren’t by the way. And on the to do list, at the top, sex please. Kidding. That’s a whole other list.

Hi! and welcome to the neighborhood.

Congratulations on your LPN. Nurses are like teachers - underappreciated day-to-day heros.

I agree with everything, above. You can't stick a screwdriver in his ear and change him, but that doesn't mean you guys are in a rut that has to be permanent. Here's my 2 cents....

This has nothing to do with your weight or your sexiness. So, you two have some communications issues that have transcended to relationships obstacles. The lack of sex is probably more of a symptom than the problem per se. Sounds like you are the more mature and responsible one in the relationship and the imbalance of that is really digging its heals in. THAT is where your work lies....

The bad news is - you BOTH have to change a little bit and agree to that as part of the work at being together. The good news is - you are dealing with very manageable stuff that is the bread and butter of long term relationships. You guys might benefit from a little couples therapy - but honestly just pick up one of the classic Gottman books and read it together. Easy Peasy.

Unless I am missing something, you two just need to rediscover each other and get back to the (individual and shared) hopes and dreams stuff that was everywhere in the first couple of years. Relaod the "us against the world" energy.

A lot of the folks here are saddled with 2nd and 3rd generation dysfunction with PTSD, addictions and recoveries, and some really deep-down poisons that are far more challenging to cope with.

as I usually and my notes - may the force be with you.

Anony-mouse,

I’m sorry that your going through what your going through. Your husband’s excuse that you put on weight is total bs! My wife gained 40 pounds in the 5 years we’ve been together. She actually weighs 20 pounds more than I do now, but I don’t care because I love her. I truly love her. I’d make love to her every day if she would let me. My wife can be bossy at times, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about her. Have you considered counseling? I hope your situation gets better.

I hope this helps. When I met my husband 15 years ago we had a very active sex life. In fact, we used to laugh at the fact in previous relationships sex had dwindled to almost nothing. However, after about 3 years it happens less and less often. On one occasion after we had a very intimate evening I said to him that we should not let it go so long without again as we had both agreed it felt so good. His reply was that I shouldn't let myself get so big again. I slimmed down which was for myself (I only had just under a stone to lose).

Anyway more and more time went by where again we had no intimacy. I asked him why. He said I should 'trim' down there. I did.

More time went by and nothing. His excuse this time was I was controlling. I tried really hard to change. However he still wanted me to take the reins in decision making, financial choices and arranging absolutely everything for our wedding, then our move abroad, totally.

Coming up to the twelfth year of maybe being intimate less than a dozen times, he says it's because I'm nasty and bossy.

Tonight I have just come in from sleeping in my car (it's almost 5am here in Cyprus) as he told me to leave because I had found he has been regularly visiting porn sites and he got really angry because I was upset.

I had told him on many iccasions just a hug or cuddle would mean so much, and all I've got was a reply of I held your hand last week when we were walking.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try to lose weight, change your attitude or accept less than a normal relationship, he may always look for a reason or excuse.

Be you, if you choose to leave let it be for your reasons not his. Xx

Excuses drive me crazy. I have been working on me for me. Losing weight did not work, grooming did not work even sexy lingerie did not work. I do things for me. I respectfully ask if he wants to go to a couples massage...no...I go alone. Concerts...I go alone. After awhile he started accepting invitations. It hasn't helped the sex but it is a lot more fun than being room mates. He notices when I get checked out by guys.
I think it is self esteem. He has to fix that himself.

@. Iwish ....imho...you have the right idea. When we are feeling so bad and like it is us, the best thing to do is work on ourselves and remembering who we are and what we have to offer.
I started to reach out and was soon reminded by others (both here and in the "real world"). It does wonders to be wanted and appreciated by someone.