Hi,

I joined specifically for this group, though there are many I certainly should also join, this is the one that brings me here.  I guess because today, after a couple of years of begging, my husband finally saw a urologist.  Tho he did not do any bloodwork or anything other testing, he told my husband that his sexual issues were normal...based on their 10 minute conversation, which of course I was not privied to.  Brief history (or I will try to keep it brief, at least!)...

We met in 2014, both 43.  It was a whirlwind relationship....first date lasted 3 days....and YES we had sex.  The BEST sex ever.  Initiated by him.  We were in sync.  He was open and constantly "ready" to go...by day 3, tho ready, he could not always reach orgasm.  Well, no biggie...that would be expected ;)  Was pretty normal after that for a couple of months.  Then suddenly he couldnt get hard or if he did, it didnt last.  He only tried a couple of times after that but said it "wasn't me, it was him" and that is was normal for him, just a short phase, and that it would fix it self.  Ok...so Im thinking new relationship, getting nervous because its serious, etc etc.  No pressure.  Within a couple of weeks we were living together (long story).  I found we were still very close and intimate but not real sexual.  Routine was I would rub his back in bed and always end servicing him.  For months.  He never reciprocated.  I assumed he was afraid that I would want to have sex and he could not perform.  Even orally I had to work really work my magic for him to reach orgasm.  I tolerated this for a while but felt horrible about myself.  Then I felt angered.  I, before really becoming angry, spoke openly and very sensitively to him.  He made promises.  He never kept them.  Eventually I told him I was done servicing him....when he decided to be an active participant I would resume pleasuring him.  I was clear about the fact that it was the intimacy I was missing.  His attention and attentiveness to my needs, not just his own.  Still nothing.  We moved from an inlaw apt to renting a home.  If we had sex 3 times that year it was a lot.  Im not sure we did.  He was still caring and I still felt loved, just sexually denied at this time.  We were talking about buying a house.  I was not for that unless we were married...and love was not a problem, not at this time.  Of course as you all know, a sexless marriage only initiates hurt and resentment that builds over time...that and the self blame and of course all the things that come with it like feelings of emptiness, loneliness, low self esteem, etc.  So off we go and start to plan a wedding.  Shortly before the date I started feeling even more resentful but went through with the marriage regardless because I loved him.  Married.  New home.  No sex.  We are now roommates.  We were married just 18 months when my 24 yo son in the Navy died.  Complete devestation.  I could not be more broken.  My life seems shattered, my only child, my only real reason to be on this earth, gone.  It gets much worse, but I am working through my grief and doing positive things in my sons honor.  But as you would suspect, this has changed me.  My thinking.  The importance of things that were not important and vice versa.  I am becoming stronger...no other way to survive this devestation.  Less submissive, more out spoken .... not as appealing, I suspect, to a domineering personality (Sicilian....not to stereotype, but born and raised).  Now my focus has changed to ME.  To me healing.  To me being a stronger individual.  But in order to be strong, I need to LIVE it...not just say it.  And this means in ALL areas of my life.  I am not happy.  I love my husband.  I have not strayed though being a bartender it is in my face all the time.  I have extremely low self esteem.  I have gained weight, which makes matters worse, since the loss of my son.  I hate having to go to work and "be on stage" pretending to be happy when my world is falling apart.  I have no support at home on an emotional level.  He has no empathy and no compassion.  Listening to myself I wonder why I am still here....  wow, what would I tell someone else to do.  But I know I am not to make any major decisions for at last a year from the date of the loss of my son.  But I cannot go on living with a stranger...I wouldnt know how to "be" with him if it were even an option.  The last time we tried it was aweful...would have been more comfortable with a stranger.  Theres so much more to it....but I feel like Ive lost control of nearly every aspect of my life...yet the world around me thinks Im "doing great" "so strong" they have no idea, they only see what they want or what I let them.  I feel like I want to "cheat" not ever having sex...just to have someone be affectionate, interested in me...to hold me, kiss me, talk to me and comfort me.  I dont think there are any dating sites for that though lol  So....thats my story.  But I cant say that "Im sticking to it" for much longer !!