Hello. I have been married for 15 years (the last 10 with no affection or physical touch) One thing I have found since coming on here is that there are more who struggle with this than I ever could imagine. All ages, men and women too. it doesn't make it any easier ,but it does help to know we are not the only ones.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I don't know how you can cope without some kind of loving physical touch of any kind. It must be very difficult. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you also. I've had a very hard time forever it seems. You are lucky that you do have a strong, loving relationship (although that still makes this part of your life just as difficult).

I have come to realize our marriage is pretty one sided. I am the one with most of the work and responsibilities. Couple this with the fact that I haven't been touched for so long..... I do often feel like I am about as attractive as a garden slug. There is something so very disheartening for a grown woman who just wants to love and be loved to have to resort to toys to actually feel something.

I often wonder if it does have any effect on how a man feels about himself when his wife does not want to be touched or to reach out to him? Speaking as a woman , I do often feel unattractive, undesirable, and undeserving.

I'm sorry you feel unattractive because your husband denies you the loving touch you deserve, but I can see from your photo that you are a beautiful woman. Please know that you are worthy and deserve the loving touch and physical connection that we all crave as humans. We can't control the actions of others - even the ones who are closest to us. I know that's frustrating.
You asked about how men feel in this situation and while I can't speak for all men, I can say that I too feel ugly or somehow repellent to my wife, given her lack of physical desire for me. I had this idea that maybe I could lose some weight and then maybe she'd think I was more attractive or something. I tried that, but didn't lose that much and kind of got discouraged. I'm on a new diet now, but I don't have high hopes.
For men I think, it's not just feeling unattractive. We often feel our value tied to our ability to provide for our families as well as our overall status in our community. When my wife won't have sex or won't even be physically affectionate, I feel like that's a reflection of her low esteem for me. It's like she's saying I'm not worth her sex or affection. I think that hurts the most.

Thank you for your kind words. As hard as it seems sometimes, we should both remember this is not our fault. It is our spouses who do have their own issues (It is just unfortunate that they don't seem to care beyond what they want ...or don't)

I have had issues with self esteem and confidence forever (starting off with a dysfunctional family and some verbal abuse years ago)....so all this does not help. But I have come a long way. I tell others... I am no 25 year old size 6....but I do have my hips and curves (just not quite as strategically placed or some as generous as I would like. haha)

I have learned that we do come in all shapes and sizes and more importantly we can strive to be better and healthier...BUT OUR HAPPINESS DOESN'T HINGE ON OUR PERFECTION. When you truly get to know someone you can very easily find many things to draw you in...may be a warm, caring smile, or a devilish twinkle in their eyes.....more importantly, I have learned I am not the only one who wants to see the whole person....inside and out.

I wish you luck with the diet. I am trying to shed pounds and exercise more again. When he and I were first together, we did that together.... now he doesn't care . It is so much easier to do with a friend to encourage and support . Too bad you are probably not nearby.... I could use a gym buddy. :)

PS Don't forget...you are still a warm, caring man who has lots to offer.

Vm8675 is absolutely correct. The lack of an interested partner for a man directly hits to the heart. It is a rejection that is felt deep to the core of who he is. If his partner, to whom he has committed and to whom he sacrifices for won't accept him into her arms he feels unworthy. The wife's validation that her husband is a good and worthy partner can impact his entire outlook on life.

The both of you have shown me that what I was led to believe is not necessarily true. Men and women are not so different after all. We all want (and need) to be loved, respected and appreciated in a healthy relationship.

That rejection does also stab into a woman's very soul (mine anyway)

I think we all need to look long and hard and find ways to remind ourselves WE are all still kind, loving people who all have lots to offer. Either we find someone who also wants the same or we find a way to coexist and try to be content with what we may be fortunate enough to share with our partners.

I tried shutting down and going through the motions like stbx does. It is a very sad and lonely existence for me. With all my emotions, wants and needs stirred up again.... If I am to ever be happy .... I need to move on.

I wish you both well with your struggles. I realize when so much is shared between couples with a strong connection (as well as families) it makes it even harder. I was never blessed with any children (now i understand it is one of those unanswered prayers) and while he did (and still occasionally does) tell me he does love me......his actions often fall very short of showing me that.

For the life of me, I cannot fathom why us spilling our soul to those who supposedly "love" us... to admit how much it hurts to think they are repulsed or have outgrown us because they will no longer touch us or even seem to want to be bothered with us at all.... Why does this not even phase them???

To me, it seems very sad to think that their wants, needs, desires (or LACK OF) mean more than our feelings.

Maybe because it would be like admitting fault or shortcomings on their part. It is difficult to admit that you are not meeting the needs of someone you love. Just like it hurts me for my wife to reject me physically maybe by me pointing it out feels like I am rejecting whatever effort she IS making. I do believe on some level she does care.

I have tried to make an effort to understand what makes people tick (given that I was around many unhealthy over the years) I guess here is where I could use a bit more compassion....I cling onto how badly I feel being discounted, ignored, unappreciated, and unlovable and it does cloud my judgement.

I do also believe my stbx does also care and you are probably right. When I have tried bringing this up, he does feel badly as well. Unfortunately, that doesn't make this empty ache go away.......

I definitely understand the empty ache and how real the pain of rejection is. I do try to flip it around though and ask myself what it is that perhaps my wife feels is lacking; maybe just trying to believe that we both feel the same way even if it isn't for the same reason. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Right now I am living off of one handjob and 20 minutes of snuggling in the last 6 weeks, so today it isn't working so well!

To me, it seems so very sad (and humiliating) to have to admit to relying only on myself and a toy (or two) just to try to feel something. (Maybe a twinge of two of pleasure...but most certainly not wanted or loved)

At least you do still have some cuddling (not that that is much consolation.)

I do understand how you feel.

PS You have far more restraint than I do The more distressed or frustrated I get lately, the more I do resort to wearing out my poor toys. :( Sorry. TMI

I am a bit lucky in that although my relationship meets the clinical definition of sex less (less than 10x per year) we do actually have SOME sex. And it is true the snuggling is some consolation as it is the close intimate contact that I crave the most, not a complete substitute for the sex but certainly can make the dry spells a bit more bearable.
As far as the tmi...maybe in another life I would have a snappy if not downright suggestive reply!!

LOL