Sexless Marriage Community Group

This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.

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Relationships & Sexuality
/ Sexless Marriage Support Group

Lost my trust

tearsinthedesert
tearsinthedesert

My husband of 28 years decided he didn't want to have sex a couple of years ago. He gave me this pronouncement a few months after sucessfully completing cancer treatment and had just started helping my little sister and brother-in-law with her cancer (terminal). The timing couldn't have been worse. I lost my shit and managed, after beating it into his head, to get a compromise of having sex once a month. When we finally did have sex after this he couldn't keep an erection.


The back story is he's always had a low libido, and as time went by became a major issue. He'd also started pushing me away any time I tried to kiss or cuddle, not for sex. It got to the point that the only way I could get non sexual intimacy was to fight for sex. Then I would manage to get both for a short time and then it would go back to the way things had been. No sex, no intimacy. My sister passed away last April and since then things have gotten worse, still no sex and no casual intimacy and I spend most days crying, hurting, feeling inadequate.


We talk about working on the nonsexual intimacy but I'm so afraid he'll just go back to the way things are. It isn't good for either of us, mentally or physically. I had a minor stroke in November and he's becoming hypertensive. I'm afraid one of us is going to really get sick if we can't resolve this.


I don't know if I can become 'sexless'.


veggiequeen
veggiequeen
My heart goes out to.you. I know all too well how it feels. I am married 16 years (the last 11 with no affection, communication to speak of or help.of any kind.

Stbx also had low libido and issues and he just shut down emotionally and physically.

What is so hard for me to understand is why they don't seem to care enough to inquire about helping the situation... (For your hubby, it may just be low testosterone... They can fix that)

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs.

Ps..don't stay and be miserable and empty. Like I did
Medid56
Medid56
Wow your situation is so similar it's scary. 28 years of marriage that my used sex as a weapon. Thought it was my fault. I raised three of her children and we had two of our own. She would limit sex to perhaps once a month then decided that her sleep was more important than even casual cuddling so I slept on the couch. This began in 08. Found out a year ago she was sleeping with several of my so called friends and we split. Then found out recently she made several passes at my paramedic partners over the years. I also had a stroke recently with a 98% recovery. I was injured at work in an accident an lost my lower legs in 15 but do very well and activity level is the same. I'm in better shape now than when I was thirty. While the house gets really lonely at times I am glad she's gon so I can rebuild. Take care of you first.
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
Medid brings up the most important point-- Take care of you first. That is the thing that most of us who put up with (or try to) sexless marriages are not so good at. It seems we spend more time trying to help (ordo for) them-- thinking that we can do more to "fix" the situation.

Problem is they are the ones with the issues, and unless they are willing to try to work on the problem, nothing will improve. And sadly , they do use every trick in the book to shift the blame onto us. We need to remember that THEY are the ones who just focus on their needs (whether it is a contented existence without any affection or touch--- or to try to find it from any other warm body in the tri state area.)

I am struggling to break free of guilt for wanting (needing and finally taking steps) to leave. They do a very good job of making us responsible don't they?

PS. @tearsinthe desert--- not sure if it is an option, but maybe counseling would help? For us I have tried talking til I am blue in the face. But because I have stayed , that translates to what I say must not matter (So I don't matter)


Hugs to you both.
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
Welcome to both of you here, btw. There are alot of us who deal (or have dealt) with this from 20s to 70s. It is not always so active here (may want to check out healthy sex or healthy relationships too?) Since coming on here, I have found a bit of relief, knowing it is not just me and that there are others who also endured this. Is a good place to find (and give) support, encouragement and strength to do what we need to do for ourselves
pietro84
pietro84
No matter how well the rest of your life is going, that feeling of inadequacy is soul crushing. All the self-care in the world won't change that - it'll just give you the stamina to crawl to the top of the next dune in the middle of the desert.
canadabi1991
canadabi1991
Thought I could offer my perspective as someone who’s arguably the cause of my sexless marriage. We haven’t been married long and Are in our 20s, but our sex life has already deteriorated to the point that we haven’t done it in months and it feels like a chore to do so. This was the first Valentine’s Day that passed with no sexual affection, which was a little depressing.

For me though, my issues are that I’ve had very negative sexual experiences from my early teens, to the point that right now I’m just not ready or able to deal with the emotions. I’m bisexual and have guilt around coming to terms with that / it has caused tensions in the past when I expressed that I had uncontrollable desires to explore that side of me, I’ve had women dump me because of sexual performance anxiety, and my wife once told me she doesn’t really desire sex at all anyways, which made me feel unwanted and indifferent to whether our sex life goes anywhere at all. I know it’s wrong, and doesn’t make things better - but why would I try to overcome all of these issues for someone who told me they could take it or leave it anyway? And it’s not that I’m not affectionate in non sexual ways such as hugs, kisses, or cuddling - but for better or worse I’ve conditioned myself to see the sex act itself as a source of sadness in my life vs pleasure.
canadabi1991
canadabi1991
I suppose all of that ^^ is to say your partners may be dealing with underlying issues they aren’t raising that is leading them to want to avoid sexual intimacy
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
@canadabi--- I think you are absolutely right. For whatever the reason, there always is an underlying issue or experience that does affect our partner. It is just so very hard when they don't feel it important enough (or maybe they are afraid) to face it. That translates to us that we are not worth the effort.


PS I can definitely relate to the feelings of not bothering to try (after 85 times , why subject myself again. I gave up years ago.)
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