I'm here, and was wondering the same thing. I see many people come to DS, vent and just leave. Never to be heard from again. Some leave a message that they are wanting to harm themselves, which is serious. For everyone reading the post, we do not know what ever became of that person. Hopefully they are ok, but we just don't know.

Love the roll call idea I am here also and plan to stick around. This site has given me quite a lot to think about and has helped me open up to myself. I have been on a journey of self discovery for over half a year now and gained some insight into my marriage issues. Reading about what others are going through has helped me not feel so alone in this. I started a post the other day that I wasn’t satisfied with but I will certainly try again to express my feelings and hopefully join some discussions. Talk with you soon I hope. Thanks queen!

hey im here too. been exhausted. everyone got a nasty cold and have, surprisingly, been sick for over a week.

for the past 3-4 weeks, i've been purposefully pursuing life with less stress, every night i recap my day with small things I've done to help me cope. i.e. deep breaths when something stressful happens, hugging my kids mitts
more, listening to music during chores, and actively pursuing opportunities to go to the gym.

i am also reading some books about sex in marriage and have found one fascinating book that has given me a lot of peace and hope.

in some days my spouse and i will be attending marital counseling for the first time ever. it will be a relief to openly discuss and discover what is ACTUALLY causing so much grief in our marriage.

I've also been avoiding sex with hubby. he hasnt initiated anything but i think his witnessing of me shutting down and threatening a real separation have helped him realize I'm in an enormous amount of pain because of his lack of affection and connection on every level.

we should start sharing the practical ways we are all coping!

I’m still here too and still struggling. I still check my husbands cell phone log online and so far no further calls have happened between him and his ex on HIS phone. Of course, I know that doesn’t mean he isn’t talking to her on a buddy’s phone or anything. We still argue daily and of course no sex. But I think I am slowly coping. I don’t post much because I don’t want to just rehash the same thing over and over. This has been going on for 8 years, so I’m not expecting much. But it’s nice this group is here, so I don’t feel so alone.

Felt the same way the other day. Didn’t want to repeat myself. The only way I have found towards that elusive happiness is just being me and not letting everything crush me like it used to. Meditation, yoga, healthy lifestyle and doing positive things for me is helping me feel better about myself. Not that I am giving up on working things out with LL , just not letting it take too much of my energy. I was looking to her too much for fulfillment to fill the void I had been feeling and now I am seeing how ridiculous that behavior is. Changing my life in fact. And given hope for a healthy marriage. Now it’s her turn. Like most people here this has been going on for a LONG time. So not expecting immediate results. But I do see small changes and that’s keeping me positive. Finding just holding her more before sleep and in the morning has been received more warmly than it has in ages. In fact looking back I think I had been giving up. I am not living in a haze anymore and that is really helping my self esteem. Ttys

Ps. Queen posted a similar ‘roll call’ in February (21) that I just noticed. Also read some more about all you individuals going through sooo much!! Have to ask? What did we do to deserve this?? Looking back at my marriage I am seeing that , in the beginning, we both wanted it but at some point she ‘checked out’ (thanks cantbeme) and I now believe she decided a long time ago that she hated the idea of marriage. I know it’s not just me because she’s told me as much. And she wasn’t just trying to spare my feelings. So I am in limbo because I love her dearly but have to face facts; it may be too late. The thing is;; I am actually getting to a place where I CAN move on. However I know she is really struggling with herself (deep depression) and I want to be here for her. I would gladly without sex until she gets on her feet. Not as a sacrifice but as an act of caring. Am I crazy. She is a sweetheart of a person and she can’t see that or muster the energy to help herself. Anyway,sorry, repeating myself again. I’ll put it in a post next time. ( now that I learned how lol) Thanks if you took the time to hear me out. I’m going through a pretty serious marriage crisis. She refuses counseling together but may do individual therapy. I’m setting that up for myself soon also. You may notice that I’m a bit unraveled. Signed; hurt and confused.

I’m here, too, mostly lurking as I’m new. My wife and I are trying to figure out some way to confront this problem with her medical issues, and the fear I have is that the simplest and most attractive solution (for her) is to just shut down that part of our lives.

And while I’m an open book, I’m having performance problems. Does anyone have any insight here? Is it common that the avoidance and denial of sex by one spouse will cause sexual dysfunction in the other spouse? I’m 42, exercise fairly regularly, not overweight ... so I don’t really check off many of the at-risk boxes, although my career is stressful and fast-paced.

One other question - and I think about this a lot. I have not had anyone approach me offering a “replacement” for the affection that I don’t get here. With the long time that I’ve had to do without, though, I worry that I would make a tragic and costly mistake out of desperation. Anyone out there with thoughts, sympathy, advice, warnings, scoldings, etc.?

@wnm. Hi there. I have allowed the Grand Canyon of distance to come between LL and myself and we have been changing that. A million things to work out but the crazy thing I have been doing to foster affection between us and build that bridge is this; I lost the cable box and we watch movies or read in bed at night now. This has given us ‘time’ to actually talk and explore new ideas or just talking about our day. TV kills relationships. The other ‘crazy’ thing I do is come over to her side of the bed and just hold her or give gentle massage if she’s in the mood. Without expecting anything back. I had been in such a rut in myself I forgot I used to do this. If you’re like me and alot of years have widened the gap between you then be patient. I have gotten to the point not to expect sex so now it’s a pleasant surprise if it happens. That letting go was huge. Please read one of my journals ‘can I give’ I do these exercises five times a week and start with a warm compess to lossen up. That in itself feels great. The amendment I want to add is how I was trying to include LL in this. She helped occasionally but I was too optimistic in the beginning thinking it could be a regular thing. Was just too much for her. Just making the time for yourself is hard enough. And start slow,be gentle and realistic. This takes time. Think years. I read about in men’s fitness or google jelq exercise (sorry spelling?) maybe just enhancement exercises. Good luck. It has made a big (no pun) difference. I don’t really masterbate so this part is easier for me but holding the erection for ten minutes if you can without a relase at the end has been good for me frustrating though until you see it just as an exercise. Sort of a tantric thing actually If you want to discuss this more with me, just add to that journal entry and I will respond as best I can .

I'm still here. I was out this weekend potty training my three year-old. I was with him the whole time he was awake.

It sure is satisfying to see the look on his face when he goes on the toilet and I tell him how big he is. It is also nice that my most frequently spoken words are no longer "Are you underpants dry? What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom?"

@baydweller.... it is always good to have other things to focus on instead of how all this can affect us. Kudos with your little guy! They are so precious when they are little (before those dreaded teen years. lol)

@whynotme.... I am no expert, but I do believe stress can play a big part in things. Having a stressful job, not to mention being with a partner who is less interested or you worrying you may possibly hurt her......ALL OF THIS can weigh on your mind. Also you said you are healthy? (High blood pressure or diabetes will cause issues with ED. actually some meds for depression as well will mess things up) I would mention it to your family dr next checkup (or just call in the meantime to ask)

I came dangerously close to hooking up with someone I never met for a fwb. I actually met him online (from here) The more we did chat and get to know each other, it did sound awfully tempting. Then it occurred to me. I did this before.(Twice with coworkers, never strangers) As good as it may feel at the time, it is very empty and lonely afterward... til the next time. This time around, I was hoping for more.

My stbx has no interest whatsoever in sex, so I go off and do my own thing when he is not around. Several times he has walked in on me. I get a roll of the eyes and "OH God, not again?" and it isn't that often . He makes me feel like a sex fiend when actually all I am is human and starving for human touch and that connection again . I am not proud, but it did help me when I did open up and share with just a small few friends . We would discuss what we like, dislike and sometimes fantasized about . Between us who are starved for affection and sex, it felt so good to be able to TALK about these things again since our spouses all put up giant walls or went screaming from the room if we dare mention the S word.. (Being left with just me and the damn toys is a teeny bit better with my imagination. Still sucks though)

It is a tough situation if you are still determined to stay and work on your marriage (unless you get a "free pass" for an open marriage? ) I understand exactly how hard it can be. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I'm new here but plan to stay:)

Sorry guys to ask this but what does LL stand for?

Lol. Love of my life. She really is. A Sweetheart of a woman who is a bit (more than a bit) ‘exhausted’ by life. Been trying,gently, to help her ‘wake up’ too.

@VeggieQueen: Thank you for the advice. I’m still holding out hope!

Still here....not getting my digests for some reason.