I am wondering if something has changed? Maybe he is getting his head on straight and coming to see what he wants? I am hoping and praying that maybe this time will be different. If you just go out and have a good time with no expectations , then anything that would develop would be an added bonus.

If he does this always and would do it again, I would certainly tell him how it makes you feel. If he is supposedly sober and trying to feel better about himself, he should not be doing it at your expense. Let him know how much it means to you to hear him say that--- but how it hurts if it doesn't happen. My thoughts and prayers and hugs are with you,

I try to bring things up in a civil manner, but the last time he did this I told him I know he would rather hang out with his ex mother-in-law than fuck me lol

I feel like it’s nicer just to pretend I didn’t hear him.

So sorry. :(

It’s all good. I dragged him to the gym so I could stare at him... you know... for alone time purposes

And I was right. We went to the gym, he decided he wanted to go out to eat afterwards, we stayed as long as we possibly could (until the place closed), and that was that. It was simply not an option when we got home because it was so late. He has already said he wants to “do something fun, like an activity tomorrow,” so it’s clearly off the table then, too. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, but at least I didn’t get my hopes up this time.

Ouch! That’s just cruel to set you up like that! Pretending not to hear him is a good way to protect yourself. I inwardly roll my eyes on the rare occasion my wife suggests maybe we can have sex that night. Then she packs the day full of things to do and it gets too late and she’s too tired.....sound familiar? It used to hurt, the disappointment especially, but now I no longer believe her. It’s chipped away at the trust I once had, but I’m no longer angered by the falsehoods. So, my suggestion is to keep doing what you’re doing - ignore what’s said. Know that it’s just words and not going to happen. Maybe try an inner eye roll.

I do the inner eye roll sometimes and it definitely works! Lol

I know he doesn’t intentionally set things up to not work out, but obviously there are going to be times where it feels like it. He actually also sometimes packs the day too full of “errands” and whatnot to have any time to do anything, but more often than not; we go out and he literally looks for reasons to stay out because he knows what’ll happen when we get home lol he’ll start talking to perfect strangers or decide he just really needs to hang out with that weird guy we always see around town who he really doesn’t like at all

SomethingAwesome, I hope things have improved for you. Agree that it's crappy that your spouse would set things up in order to avoid sex with you. As a male, I do not have any understanding as to why a guy would go out of his way to avoid having romance with his wife. It just boggles my mind. I'm guessing that he does similar mind tricks on you when holidays, birthday's anniversaries come around? I stopped expecting any romance to happen on those days because it didn't happen. Wife has even gone out of town twice to see family on our anniversary just to add insult. Anyways, sorry for the novel. I hope that things are getting better for you.

I feel tricked as well. When my hubby and I were dating 6 years ago (both after divorces, I was 44 he was 50) we were both wanting to do things different than we had before. We decided to be chaste until marriage. Little did I realize this was not a challenge for him. Only for me. When we got married we had a wonderful wedding night. Then nothing. He wouldn’t respond to me, there would always be an excuse, sometimes he would blame me for not being thin enough or aggressive enough or too aggressive. Sometimes he would play the moral superiority card saying “I have evolved past needing sex as intimacy” and he would make me feel dirty. Sometimes it was because he was tired, not in the morning, not at night, not when the house needed cleaning, not before work but then not after work, not when my boys were him but also not on “our weekends” when the boys go visit their father. At this point we’ve been married a little over 4 1/2 years. We’ve been intimate (touching, looking, kissing) less than 10 times and had sex 7. Right now we’ve had sex twice in 9 months. I always feel like it’s a one night stand now. So I cry every time and now THATs a “turn off” for him. We only have sex after a LONG wait and only after I’ve become so despondent he throws me a bone. Tried sex therapy and he didn’t like “when everything turned to be my fault.” We tried marriage counseling twice and he always arranged to have something else to do those nights (voluntarily accepted work at night). Now we have had a few blow out fights and he told me last week that he was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts for two weeks last Fall because of me. I’ve seen him through graduating grad school, starting a new career, cancer, other health issues. I’ve been patient. I’ve been assertive. I’ve even been aggressive. None of it ever touches him. He had no trouble physically in the beginning.... but after the psych hospital now his new excuse is the meds make it hard for him. I know that’s true... but it’s just one more excuse and I almost think he likes it. I’m so distraught all the time now. I think he is really asexual and tricked me into this marriage because he likes companionship. And he likes having a maid.

I am so sorry for what you're going thru as well.
Tricked huh? I feel like that too, like maybe he really only wanted a companion.
So...what are the next steps for you? I'm wondering if this is something I can live with or not.