Hi there. When my wife was your age (14 years ago) she was in her sexual prime. Unfortunately we had two kids and she was home and I was working a lot of hours. We were having sex but we hadn’t learned to communicate what we liked so it was pretty vanilla.
Looking back I have regrets about missing that time in her womanhood.
Ironically the last few years we have become more aware of each other and have had some great moments in bed. It’s ironic because she’s going through menopause and has no interest. Just when we finally connect:)
But this is the point I want to make. You have to open up and talk. Good sex takes communication and experimenting to see what each likes. This takes patience and practice.

Welcome!!

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I sometimes avoid going home as well. He avoids coming home if sex has even been mentioned... he’ll even spend time with people he has been very open about not liking just for the sake of not going home. Sometimes when we’re on really good terms, I will avoid going home because I know I will want something and he’ll reject me. I get plenty of attention from attractive men (and women) and I have even told him this on several occasions (I ask him why he doesn’t want me, but all these other people do). He laughs like he can’t believe anyone would be attracted to me... which of course makes me feel horrible.

I have tried giving up. He seems to be more interested when I actively reject him (but I HATE doing that!!!). It’s all very strange and uncomfortable and at times heartbreaking...

Sorry. Got cut short because I was at work.

This site has been a HUGE help for me! Everyone is very nice and super supportive and honestly; it’s nice just to not feel so alone in this.

It is heartbreaking. I joined this group exactly two years ago when we were struggling with intimacy. Then ,partly inspired by this site, I opened the can and laid out my feelings. She was hesitantly receptive and that started off the best year we ever had as far as being physically and emotionally present for each other. Then the sleeplessness and menopause really broke her down. So now I’m truly in a sexless marriage because she’s half way around the world healing and sorting herself out. I’m doing the same here and we’ll regroup to see where we go. The time apart has actually been nice as I was tired of feeling physically rejected. It’s hard even when you understand why. Not having the one person who you want to touch be distant slowly makes the hurt deeper.
Sex aside, do you hold each other in bed? Hug? Hold hands? I cherish all these as intimacy. If you don’t then you should start because it’s the only way to learn how to connect physically. Can’t let ice form. It will just get thicker until it’s too much to get through.

Thanks for your support, it is very much appreciated!

@SomethingAwesome - that does sound very similar. I’m sorry you are having a hard time :(
I’ve tried various things over the years - doing the whole cooking a nice meal, buying toys, initiating sex after a night out drinking, dressing up...but it just ends in rejection. One time, I dressed up and went down stairs and he just said “aw” and turned around to sleep on the sofa. I felt so humiliated sitting beside him in what was very clearly a “come to bed” outfit!
When I approach it with him, he does apologise and says he knows how much it hurts me and that he’ll try harder.

That has been honestly the same old story for 14 years, genuinely.

@finallyawakenow
Yes he’s very affectionate! He always wants to be close, holding hands, cuddling. It can actually be a bit stifling at times but I think it’s his way of trying to compensate. It’s just the hurdle of actual sex, so I stay receptive.
We have been to a couples councillor and she essentially said to me that at my age, most people would have given up by now! I also feel that because it has been such a long standing issue, he has now lost his confidence, which yes I completely understand, but when I try to help rebuild it, I then end up being rejected or he can’t stay hard - so I’d say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place but just without the “hard” part!

Years ago, we tried having an open relationship. Partly because I thought that maybe if he had more experience, it might boost his confidence and partly so that I wasn’t baron in my 20’s! It was a great arrangement for me but he quickly became really jealous and uncomfortable so we stopped.

I guess at the moment I’m just really struggling with staying faithful. It’s so tempting to just go with the advances from other guys to get what I want. I’ve been close a couple of times recently and that’s pretty scary!

I’m sending my thoughts to all of you who are in a similar position! x

Stifling isn’t good. I had times when I slipped into that behavior and neither of us liked it. Felt too needy and that’s a turn off and a red flag on his confidence. And self love also. Dose he take care of himself physically?
There’s nothing better than exercise and a healthy diet for boosting your energy.
I must say that if I was having his problem I would be doing everything that I could to please you. For me the women’s pleasure is so exciting.
Any alcohol or porn issues? Both are terrible for Ed.
I would understand straying.... that’s a long time. I am going to give her a few years to see how she feels about working on our physical relationship then something like an open marriage if she’s not up for that.

Unfortunately, when our spouses cut us off for so long, it leaves us with really only 3 options. Stay, and try to cope with the resentment that spouse won't change because they don't see meeting need as important. Cheat, which has its own set of problems. Divorce. Expensive time consuming. Honestly, I hate that anyone is put into that corner by their own spouse. It's a selfish decision made with no communication or agreement by both parties. Especially when I see the effort that many on this site have made pleading with their spouses for what should be an easy and loving decision to do, yet continue to get denied coldly.