Kelly,

I understand your concern and the answer is it is probably very likely that it may escalate, it all depends where he is in his addiction and how he handles it.

Where that escalation leads him, it's hard to tell since it varies from person to person, but I can assure you that unless he seeks help, it will not end well for him.

Please continue in healing yourself and if there's anything we can do, let us know. However, now that he is on his own, he is fully responsible for whatever happens to him, he always was but now there's no one to blame for it.

Hugs,
Wolf

If he continues it, it has no choice but to escalate. The same old thing won't do it for him. It's been escalating for 22 years, albeit slowly. I think your question is, will it's escalation accelerate? There is really no way of knowing that. I'd say probably. It seems logical to think it would.

I wouldn't worry too much. Escalation may be the thing that gets him to stop in the end. He may need to taste the bitter horror the addiction has to offer before he can let it go. So even if it catapults him far down, that may be a good thing. Being with you for 22 years certainly didn't get him to stop. If being without you doesn't get him to stop, nothing will. So I wouldn't worry about how you being with him or not is going to affect him. It's all up to him. It always has been.

I hope this helps,

Starfusion

Excellant dialogue as always gentlemen. Now, if this isn't too awkward, could you tell me what it escalates to? To my knowledge, it has always been interenet, magazines and DVDs (found out about the movies a couple of years ago). After the severity of the addiction came out I questioned him about prostitutes which he just laughed off. It never occurred to me that there could be online hookups until I've read the posts in this group.

Star, I never thought of it that way, but I hope you're right. Even though it's not my problem and I don't worry like I used to, he's still the father of my boys and I wouldn't want to see him end up in a dangerous and/or embarrassing position.

Escalation includes watching more often. Watching for longer periods per session. Watching more and more hardcore, potentially illegal material.

If it escalates beyond masturbation into interaction with other people you can expect cyber sex. Webcamming. Potential visiting massage parlors for happy endings. Perhaps visiting people he met online for sex. Perhaps frequenting certain videostores to have sex in the video booths. Hiring prostitutes.

There's no telling what path he might take. Where he will draw the line. It's out of your hands. It always was out of your hands.

wolf and star made good notes. His adiction may escale now that he has the freedom to act out. Star gave good examples. But it may go the other way. He may realize he has hit bottom by losing you , the kids and being moved out of the house. That may lead him to seek help. So, it can go both ways.
As for you , you need to get you some help because of the trauma caused by your ex's compulsive sexual behavior. I would suggest therapy and COSA - 12 step fellowship, strongly recommended for men or women affected by somebody's compulsive behavior. Check it out and see if it's going work for you.
http://www.cosa-recovery.org/
One last note, even if you are relieved he 's gone - It's hard to live with a sex addcit- Iam a sex addict myself in recovery and I know how much that hurted my wife and ruined my mariage- but since you still care about him, may be you could tell him about his need to get some help because he is suffering from a disease, which will ultimately destroy him or get him in trouble if he does not get help.
Good luck to you!

Hi Kelly,

This is always a great topic, so thanks.

Let me play the addicts advocate for a sec. Okay?
Im not so sure there is an escalation beyond the saturation point. Even addicts have some boundaries. Most dont go on to be sex offenders. Most viewers of farm porn dont actually end up going out to the barnyard. (Sorry for the visual) There are limits as to what Even sex addicts may indulge in.
I think the consequences are the most likely thing to escalate.
Youre soon to be ex will find his limits too. I cant help but picture it being a very lonely time for him.

You are going to make the best ex-wife on the planet. Its nice that you still have some kind of dialog with him. Would it be too scary for you to ask him about it? I mean ya could if ya wanted to. The amount of tone you put into it might be telling but It doesnt sound like youre that afraid of him anymore.

And have I told you yet that the way youve handled yourself with all this is awesomely inspiring? Thanks for holding your head up high. And God am I proud to be your friend.

Hows the Pups?

Arthur

sunshine summit lodge is a world-class porn and fucking center rehabilitation the program aimed at both breaking the cycle of addiction today.
http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?19751-Narconon-Warner-Springs-aka-Sunshine-Summit-Lodge

I think escalation is directly correlated to the amount of internal compass a person possesses. Most everyone has a line in the sand internally...and will likely stop there. But, they are the only ones who know where that line is, and they are the only ones who can choose to honor their own values and stop there.

Sheenre. I think that is partly true. In that the addiction will take from you the essence of who you are. Thus moving the line much farther back than it would otherwise be. But at the same time, who you are will determine where that is. Point being, a person will go beyond the line of what they find acceptable because who they are is being corrupted and suppressed.

Star: I understand what you're saying. But, I do think that a person is aware when they are first crossing those internal boundaries, and each time thereafter. I think you're right that they are corrupting their own boundaries, but I do think that they still know what those boundaries are. Hence the shame of corrupting them? Now, if there is no semblance of guilt or shame, then the internal voice is silenced and I can see no hope for recovery. Guilt or shame indicates to me that a person still "knows" their boundaries, and still knows they are crossing them, where a person can reach a level where there are none any longer. I think the internal voice of value is there, if pushed to the back-burner. Unless of course a person has gone so far as to completely decimate conscience, I think that's called socio-path? Maybe that's a person who no longer has any inclination of wrong at any level at all. And that....is very, very sad!

Ya, I think you are exactly right. It's strange the way it works though. You can have a boundary and then the addiction gets in your ear and suddenly you forget why that boundary was there. And as soon as the orgasm happens, reason and rationale return. I'm talking at the milisecond. It's an addiction that doesn't fight fair. The resolve to not indulge can be SO strong and then the next second you honestly can't remember why you shouldn't indulge this one more time. It's like being hypnotized.

That process didn't make sense to me until I did some research about the brain and learned that the limbic system has the ability to do that. To surpress and bypass the prefrontal cortex. In time I learned how to fight back against that trick but it is a very strange experience.

Star, I think what you're saying makes sense. When the addiction came out during marriage counselling and he was honest about it, he said it was an overwhelming urge/compulsion. He would sometimes leave his work to come home and indulge. He said he always felt instantly terrible afterward, yet was always drawn to do it again.

I would have to say, unequivocally, yes, he will indulge. If I was suddenly free, I'd probably go on a month long binge I'm sure.

Star: I do know what you mean...addictions are difficult to address. One has to 'really" want freedom from compulsion. I always think too that no one ever wins until they come to the conclusion that "that" is "not" their friend....it's a theif of life and a killer. Have to wonder how many have died from AIDS and other diseases, or been killed like Charlie's friend by a prostitute. Wow, that is soooo sad! When they do get it though, they can beat it because they see the enemy clearly and the most likely outcome should they fail to present for battle. Once the enemy is in sght...a few tools will get the job done. And then a person is free to live comfortably and peacefully.

Sheenre,

Not everyone has that line in the sand clearly marked, actuallly. There's also this other factor, the little known factor that most men are well... like little boys, for the most part, they are taught how to be breadwinners and how to hold a job but are not taught ethics, specially not in this day and age.

So if they can get away with say, one image, then they'll do two and it'll escalate, then the bell if it's there rings but not as loud as the "Dude, she doesn't know about the stash in the attic and that's so darn cool." bell.

Then it escalates to, "Dude, she doesn't know you had a happy ending today, she thinks you gotta a raise. Psych!!!" bell, then it escalates to , "Dude she has no idea you met John in the alley, she thinks you were working late," bell, you get the gist. What actually also helps escalate it is other men saying those words along with perpetual teen Marty over there.

And that's probably how Charlie's friend lost his life, listening to the perpetual teen inside him. So, by also having friends who encourage this loathsome behavior, one can see how difficult it is to extricate oneself from it.

Hugs,
Wolf