Of course, the title of this post is to provoke discussion, but consider this: 

Disclaimer: This is my perspective as a man, and not a woman. This post may contain some perspectives that are validated by biology but totally rejected by our current social paradigm of relative truth. 

Is the addiction to porn and masturbation a problem with porn and masturbation? Or is it a problem with intimacy? Or is it a problem with habitual skills we use to cope with brain chemistry left over from our caveman days?  

The feckless and feeble attempts we make to stop masturbating to porn will fail over time 100% of the time.  But this is true with any behavior we attempt to stop using self-control.  So why does a porn/masturbation addiction impact our lives so much?  Is it because of the impact it has on our partner?  On our ability to function and contribute value to society?  Or is its impact on how we perceive ourselves as failures because yet again, we expect to stop and don't, we feel shame, and failure .... again. We project this failure to our wives in our bearing, our confidence, our defeated esteem, and it scares the crap out of them. 

They married us because we were strong, fearless, bold and sexy strong men who pulsated with testosterone in our early 20s.  They signed us up to stand at the front of the cave and fight off the saber-toothed tigers that threaten their vulnerability while they are nursing our young children, and expected us to be THAT man.  But we get worn down.  In the busy of the rapid onslaught of the urgent, we come home, needing a few moments to rest, and forgot that true rest, does not come from being still and turning our brains off numbing our brains with mindless distractions. 

But the true rest we need comes from the affection and affirmation of the adoring eyes of our admiring wives. The crave we see in them to feel close to us while they wrap their soft sensual bodies, hearts, breasts, eyes and other parts around us celebrating the intimacy of knowing us and enjoying that we know them. Laying spent after an hour of long connected sex is far more restful than wasting hours relaxing in front of the brain numbing machine. 

So, somewhere it goes off the rails.  As young children, we get sexualized through abuse or too much porn on TV.  And discover the chemistry works!  When we are young, and our distracted parents are not paying attention, we face life-threatening situations that terrify us.  We are left with strangers at a daycare.  We hear our parents say something that we barely understand, but shocks us into believing we will be abandoned. 

And then one day naturally, with no warning, or education, or openness about it, we experience our first ejaculation. Teaming with pleasure, but no context.  We quickly remember the sceen we saw on someones phone as we walked by and that scene of a woman giving a man oral sex, or a man kissing a woman's breasts, or whatever it was that was seared into our young brain at that impressionable moment, is the map.  The template.  The imprint that defines our preferred sexual behavior for the rest of our lives. So as we discover the pleasure of masturbation, it is easy now to enhance that pleasure by adding visual stimulation based on our arousal template... and the game if off. Years of masturbation to porn.  

And there it is, porn, any kind, shape, speed, the situation we want exactly how we want it.  Easy, ready, enthusiastically available to let us vicariously pretend she is excited about doing what our wives will not....or will they?  

Years of habit forming that results in bathing those brain pathways in dopamine spikes 3 and 4 times that of cocaine when we have orgasms is why we can not stop.  It is a deep-rooted habit chemically perpetuated by the pleasure our mammalian bodies were designed to help the species survive. For example, studies show that men glance at women's breasts almost 100% of the time when they meet a new woman.  The theory is that we are subconsciously evaluating if they are old enough to breed with. The invention of the brazier made it a thing for women to show off their breasts.  Now, only men that women are attracted to are allowed to look at their breasts.  Everyone else is a pervert.    

So we hide our masturbation habit in shame, and then carry that shame in our slumped defeated and tired shoulders and our wives decide that doing the masculine work of managing the family is a required survival response.  And who has time to enjoy your sensuality when you are working your ass off while your husband comes home and watches TV? 

So, earlier, I skated by the blame game a bit.  I suggested that the problem is that our wives don't want to do the sexual things that we carve.  This is not really their problem.  It is a result of men abusing the accommodating inclination of women who did not have power.  Until the 50s, women had no choice but to suck up their situation because they could not survive financially without their husbands.  But did you know that until that time, most property deeds were written in the women's names?  This was to ensure that if the husband died, the wives were taken care of and would not loose their "husbands home". 

While many men abused their place as men in their marriages, most did not. But in trade for the deference and care that most men gave to their wives, the modern masculinization of women in our culture has created the "Fine if you want it you can have it" attitude about power, relationships, and entitlement.  It is no longer chivalrous, honorable, and kind to open a door for a woman.  It is offensive. It is no longer appropriate to have a sexual desire for our spouses when they are not in the mood.  It is narcissistic.  It is no longer acceptable to ask for the sexual behavior you desire. It is abusive.  So women are now in control of the bedroom.  They no longer are expected to meet their husband's sexual needs, unless they want to. And men are choosing not to get married because there is not up side. 

It is also clear that many women get sexually aroused as a result of being sexual, not as a prelude to being sexual. So if it is no longer politically correct for a woman to respond to her husband's sexual advances unless she is in the mood, then the emasculated husband will begin to lose his desire to jump through a daunting gauntlet of expectations just to be sexual with the woman he loves, and gives up.  And if he stays up late then there is plenty of opportunities to imagine he is the one the porn star is smiling at. 

So what is the solution to sex addiction or stopping the habit of masturbating to porn?  The answer is three things:

1. Stop eating crap.  2. Dont let 24 hours go by without some form of exercise.  3. Have a purpose. 

When you are so focused on what your purpose is and the joy and confidence of knowing the value you are contributing to the world. You are indeed a sexy man. Then our wives will either respond and be the stunningly sensual recipient of our desires, or they will watch the competition grow. 

This is probably a hater creating post. I get that.  So let me circle back around.  stopping the porn/masturbation behavior is not the solution. The solution is being so focused on being the gift to the world you are supposed to be and taking massive action on that front that the sexuality will take its place as an exhilarating place of rest and revitalization that it is meant to be.  Not a burdonsom addiction that has you by the throat. 

Women are disturbed by men's sexual appetites because if you are biologically set to be as selective as possible to create the most potential for your offspring to survive, it makes sense to not have a desire to be sexual with a tired, weak insecure, lonely porn addict. On the other hand, if you are confident in your ability to know, accept, entice and satisfy the appetites of your man, then you can walk in on him looking at porn, and easily pull his focus onto you because of years of bathing his brain in those same dopamine hormones while he finishes inside of you, while looking deep into your eyes, or enjoying looking at your body.  Eye sex is the answer to making your man crave you.

If your having sex with your man in the dark, or with yours or his eyes closed. You're wasting the chemistry that drives a 5 billion-dollar porn industry.  That is the same chemistry that will cause him to want to please you with all the work you think you have to do because you can't get him to do it.  Every great man in history had a woman inspiring him with an amazing grasp on his sexual, social, emotional and masculine needs.

And just to let you in on a secret.  The actual physical sexual acts are insignificant compared to the intimacy and energy that having the affection and admiration of the woman we choose powering us.  So you don't have to love oral sex to please your man... unless you know it is really important to him.  If it is that important and you ignore it, then you will wonder why he doesn't show much interest in you is holding out because you don't have to do what you don't want to do, really worth the pain and disconnect avoiding that will cause?  Is the taste really THAT bad? Get over it, and become an expert.  And see how much gets done around the house.