Learning, of course you don't have to share your reasons for feeling as strongly repulsed as you did. Whatever the reasons, they may have affected your real sex life also. It is interesting that you ask questions of us and expect full disclosure from your husband,, but you don't like to share yourself with us. I respect your privacy,, but I think you should also respect other people's decisions about what they choose to disclose and what they want to guard as private also.

I find this intriguing, because most women in porn are polished turds that are far from attractive. Of course they are digitally enhanced and have wigs, extensions, fake eyelashes and bodies, but is that truly sexy? I think the most repulsive thing are the teen porn. They are already kids, yet they are made look like they are 12. They get them with no hips, breasts and baby faces. This is pushing pedophilia, which is disgusting and sick! I never understood why a person could see any porn actress as hot. Maybe porn addicts do not want to see naturally beautiful women, because they have low self worth and want to be surrounded by what is also lowly and degrading. It also has nothing to do with fantasizing about being with what you can't have, because if those women were out in public, odds are they would be easy to get. They are obviously degrading themselves and risking their own self worth. Most have been sexually abused as kids and can't see themselves as worthy of love and respect.

Each and everyone of us on this site will have a different view and reason for being on here. My personal reason I believe is because as a man I am programmed to see a beautiful woman as a potential mate. This is true in nature all around us. This might be all fine accept with the technology that we have today it has become far to easy for this to happen. The brain the actually rewires and an addiction then becomes reality. I can and will not blame the porn industry. Unfortunately it is everywhere. As I write this I am looking at a beautiful woman in a bathing suit in an add two inches to the right of this box. Should I expect all the woman at the beach this summer to be all covered up. This is not an external problem with myself. There are plenty of porn star (probably rich) that are quite happy with themselves. This is a problem that I take full responsibility for that I have to overcome myself. I certainly appreciate everyone point of view and respect them all also. I will think about each one carefully because I will need to explore all options to help myself overcome being addicted to pornography.

It's not the goal of recovery to change the world much, but to change ourselves and our choices.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

The porn industry will not disappear, but we can change what we do. We may help other people, and cut down some of the porn industry by our non-participation.

A woman doesn't have to be beautiful for a man to be attracted. There are other factors.

This is where I am coming from. A man , or woman that is addicted..will not see things the same as someone that is of a normal mind set. It is the act and the fact that there is something being done that is shocking, or disturbing. Porn leads to worse and more graphic images/situations and eventually can cause the addict to do things he/she may not would do. Is it the the fault of the porn industry, NO, but the porn industry does cater to those that are like minded. A pedophile will desire extremely young looking girls and sure nuff, porn has it. It is initially the addicts fault for desiring such content, but it is the porn industries fault for making it easy to access and find, plus you do not have to pay to see it. It is everywhere! I feel there should be strict laws, but money is the root of all evil , as is greed. They should not have nude people on ads, or spam that tries to get people to come to hook up and porn sites. There has to be rules and unfortunately the internet has no rules, even if to keep kids safe.

x: You shared, "they may have affected your real sex life also. It is interesting that you ask questions of us and expect full disclosure from your husband,, but you don't like to share yourself with us. I respect your privacy,, but I think you should also respect other people's decisions about what they choose to disclose and what they want to guard as private also. "

Ok X...as if it would be enlightening to you on any level at all? but remember, you are not my H. My H is my H. My H took certain vows in order to be my H. It would be nice if he kept them? Other than that, he has no answer whatsoever that he needs to provide me or anyone else. He can do anything he likes, in private. Like I would care? Doesn't affect me? Don't care.

I don't expect some stranger somewhere to answer any questions at all if they don't want to. But, a person who lives with me, I do expect "some" answers from. For instance, if I ask my H (the guy who took vows with me) if he is engaging in sex with others, I expect an honest answer. His behavior could well give me AIDS or other sexual diseases. So, I expect an answer.

If I fail to receive an answer, that he has a right to his privacy, I will have to assume that I need to take "all" precautions in dealing with him from then on. So, at that point, he will receive the respect of his "privacy" and I will guard myself from him. I have both the right, and the responsibility, to determine whether or not I am in danger, either emotionally, or physically. And, I have both the right, and the responsibility to protect myself.

But, in the interests of an answer, I had already engaged in "real" sex before I ever saw that other stuff. So, when I saw that other stuff, mechanical, cold, unloving, degrading, phony, phony acting people, camera and director dictating the whole thing, and on...it made me sick. I had never felt that way about sex. And, to see that others did engage on that level it made me feel sick.

So, no, it didn't affect my "real" sex life with any other wholesome thinking person, but it did affect my sex life with the person or persons who engaged in or viewed that kind of sex. I saw nothing wholesome or loving there at all. I am not into simple body mechanics. Like anyone fails to know what that is? Geeeeeeez! To me, that's a ridiculous idea. I don't think there was a single thing wholesome in that entire scenario. And, I'm just not into phony. I don't feel the need to watch sex...I think I'm quite capable of determining what I do and do not feel like doing while engaging in real sex. I don't feel the need for a bunch of dirty pictures done by disrespectful cold people. That does nothing at all for me, but turn me way far off. Yuck!

I told you already, I don't really care what anyone chooses to disclose or not to disclose. My H is fully able to decide that. But, when he refuses to answer a question, I assume the answer for myself. And, I will do whatever it is I choose to do about it. Can't quite see any other way that can work. Do you.

Rage: You shared, "What I find when I search myself is that I've repeatedly chosen to lose myself into a pleasure of the body that is essentially inhumane. The appeal of pornography is one that I'm truly afraid to admit, even here, anonymously. At the very root of it I find elements of sadism, an occult desire to feel empowered over another human being, all of these dark things somehow fulfilled through the act of emotionless sex."

Thank you for an honest answer. That may have been the most honest one I've heard. I think you may have answered X's question to me, more than even I could. I couldn't agree more....essentially inhumane.

But, that isn't all there is to sex. I have experienced the "other" side. That is attractive to me. That does interest me. That is fulfilling and a wonderful thing to me. I just can't quite accept a wooden nickel when I know what a silver one is.

I think because you do see, there is a chance you might just grab that silver one.

Contrariwise, I've met fellow survivors of rape and childhood sexual abuse that used porn to retrain themselves into sex NOT being all about pain, shame, and horror.

For some people out there the idea that is is SUPPOSED to be friendly and fun is about as foreign as it gets. Learning that lovemaking can be emotionally neutral or even LOVING is a whole other language to some of us. Romance novels, the right kind of erotica can be a roadmap.

the problem is so much porn out there is so damn DARK it actually CONFIRMS that it is supposed to be an awful, humiliating impersonal experience. You'd be surprised how often that issue comes up when i do peer counseling for other abuse survivors, either using lighter and fluffier to relearn what sex SHOULD be more like or getting our traumas reinforces by the really sick crap.

I can see how some people can get addicted to even the lighter, "fluffier" sort. But for some of us out there the light fluffy stuff can help in small doses. Nuff said.

Black: You shared, " I believe is because as a man I am programmed to see a beautiful woman as a potential mate. This is true in nature all around us." Yes, that's true. A simple biological function. However, I don't think that those biological twinges are inherent only in men. A beautiful woman is programmed too, to choose what she determines to be the best possible candidate for strong offspring.

I think that our society is twisted in so many ways. A woman seems to be assigned some value by the society other than what she may even value in herself. So, often, it seems that some act in certain ways, because they have been programmed to act certain ways. I think the same is true of men.

But, at some point, I think as an individual, I must think about what "I" place value on, no matter what the society chooses to embrace. I found that I am far more valuable inside than I am as a simple set of body parts. Heck, for that, a simple plastic doll will do?

So, consequently, though I do find some men to have a set of really attractive body parts, I'm far more interested in "who" is inside that body. I've been exposed in my life to some really outstanding body parts, but what was inside those parts was entirely unattractive. I'm so glad I was able to have the experience to "see." It took me a bit to learn that, but I'm sure glad I did. So, when I see a set of really attractive body parts, like that plastic doll, it isn't very impressive to me at all.

"Initially the mind screams at you that its wrong, but the more you do it, the less you can hear your mind reprimanding you." Yes, yes, and yes. I couldn't agree more. When I saw that stuff for the very first time, my mind did scream, so I chose to listen to myself. And, consequently, I am able to listen to my conscience quite well.

2: I think you sharing that you feel you wanted more, more than reality, a thrill is true. When I think of my H doing that, as I know he did, I just don't want to engage with him at all. I don't like feeling second rate to a bunch of photos. Just doesn't induce me to want to try and have something between us. It feels like I'm not nearly enough for him. So, I don't even want to go there...at all.