Hi folks, 

I just wanted to put something out "here." I have a sexually addictive personality and use sexual feeling to make myself feel better when I have trouble coping with life. I over-eat too; it's a similar thing. I'm trying to lose weight and excersize a lot, but I sabatoge myself with food. I am an emotional eater. I'm not gaining weight, but not losing any either.

I would be acting out sexually, but my partner of choice strings me along and won't give into my desire. I'm sexually submissive and like dominant men to be rough with me. I'd dive fully into headonistic sadomasochistic sex if I had the right partner to indulge with. But, I've been caught up having feelings for this Dom who doesn't act, so that is the only reason I am not completely emerged in compulsive behavior right now. I do spend a lot of time on Fetlife though (but less lately).

It's loosing it's draw a little bit and I'm thinking about trying to turn things around. I have been having a hard time for a little over a year now (had been in recovery for five years before that). My ex boyfriend (son of my child), raped me, and I went from wanting healthy, loving, consentual sex to wanting to be hurt and used again. I'm still compulsively seeking those feelings, but like I said, it's fading a little. 

Our situation has improved because he is living on his own and we have less contact, but I am living alone (well, with our son), for the first time in a long time and I feel uncomfortable without the security of having someone with me, who loves me, providing companionship, and attending to my emotional needs... This is what makes me feel uncomfortable and why I want sexual attention...

It's to do with my father who abused me sexually and wanting attention from him, at a time in my life, when I was abandoned by my mother. I think I still get scared of being alone, because I fear that it is going to be like that, like being alone and feeling unloved as a child. Not knowing how to take care of myself and being left to be cared for by a neglectful and abusive parent. A man who showed me the most intimacy when he caused me to feel the pain of the sexual abuse he once endured... 

I have abandoment issues, and I feel abandoned. I also feel like I am somehow inherently unlovable and that, of course, everyone is going to leave... So, food and sex help me feel better when these feelings are affecting me. I guess I've got my work cut out for me, trying to climb my way out of this hole I've sunk into. :( Just starting to look up and try to figure out where to start.