I was acting out last night, and I was concerned that I emotionally seemed to be deeply invested in a certain porn star I like to jack off to.  

Could I be addicted to the women, and not the porn?  I am not addicted to all porn, but I am addicted to certain porn stars images.  This porn star has tags I like, or get excited from, infidelity, femdom, gangbangs, she also seems to not give a damn about any consequence whilst acting out herself while working.  

My point is I am vulnerable right now because the loneliness, I do believe is encouraging me to seek out other sex addicts to share the misery of loneliness with.  From my research, apparently most porn stars are chronically miserable, and from a business standpoint, rightfully so, because misery, or being in a miserable state, would then enable the performer to have no cautions to perform well to escape that misery if only during the scene for a moment.  Basically what I am saying is as a porn producer, it would be most profitable for the actors and actresses to be miserable, so the can fully embrace performing or "acting out" when called upon, simply to elminate the chronic misery within them.  This link between misery, loneliness, and then the guilty feeling or shame that comes after the attempt to eliminate misery forever (acting out to satisfy the insatiable) I know I personally need help with.  I can minimize it by going to meetings, helping others without complaining about it, and handling my finances responsibly.  However, I don't know what to do about my obsession to use or give everything to certain pornstars I am addicted to.  I know it is fantasy, and I know it isn't reality, I know in reality I never have women's best interest in mind over my own, as a consistency, and this brings shame.  I only mention women in that regard due to my heterosexuality.  

If I really loved this certain porn star, I'd advise her on her infidelity, suggest she not allow herself to be abused in scenes, even if we all know it is just for money and a business, not real sex, and I would work on my own obsession to not be addicted to her.  The last thing I said I do, so all is not lost, I do know I still have an ounce of goodness inside of me that allows me to love porn stars for real due to the fact they are human beings and have value, however I am slightly worried that my need for excitement, whilst lonely and obsessed with her tan body, the fact that she has a huge ring on her finger, the fact that she is a different ethnicity than me, the fact that she is older and well developed, everything my sexual addiction is looking for to make me experience escapism from the loneliness.  

I do want it to be possible for me to love a person like this, someone I meet in real life, who has all the qualities mentioned, without wanting to have sex with them.  I do know I would value a non-sexual relationship with "my type", because I can still see other qualities in them outside of what my sexual addiction only wants me to see, the sexy body, the disregard for faithfulness, the desire to not care.  For sick reasons, the desire of women who kill it sexually from a physical standard, to not care and rebel in the name of awesome sex that sells and sells forever, I really enjoy, but equally feel great shame for.  I think as a man what is really going on is I am experiencing an inner shame for not helping everyone as much as I could, and also am experiencing a guilt of allowing women who can have their way with men sexually whenever, to get in the way of a more productive attitude that gives everyone equal and fair freedom.  

I can be totally honest and say I treat women I want to have sex with and who I obsess over because of their character and physical attributes better consistently than other people across the board.  

This tells me I need to honestly forgive myself for that error, however not beat myself up because I have favorites.  It is an opportunity to analyze the belief system that has controlled my life for decades, and then a greater opportunity to see if that needs change or acceptance.