Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I was trying to explain my theory of why we develop addictions, how they serve a function in a bad way, and why finding a better replacement is better than just "trying to stop." It's a little all over the place, but I hope it helped who I sent it to and maybe anyone else who happens to see it.
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Where I am right now in my addiction is as close to "finished recovering and back to normal" as I expect to get. I had a rotten childhood, which included being sexually abused and a lot of emotional neglect. This caused me to have terrible self esteem and self worth.
http://nathanielbranden.com/healthy-self-esteem
Now I had other issues from this, alcoholism, depression, anxiety, PTSD and OCD mainly. But I'll focus on the sexual addiction part of it for now. BUT I want to make the point that a lot of us have MULTIPLE issues, it's hardly ever JUST sex addiction we are dealing with.
Also, to be honest, there were times my depression would have turned into a suicide if I hadn't gotten drunk enough to kill the pain for a few hours, or if I hadn't acted out on my sexual addiction to feel less alone and hurt. So addictions do serve a purpose and in the short term keep us going. We get into trouble when they start causing problems worse than the ones we were struggling with in the first place.
So that's one reason I always tell people you can't JUST STOP your addiction. It was there for a reason, it just wasn't the right solution to the problem. I was compelled to find women and flatter them, seduce them, make them feel beautiful, and then do things that would make them think they'd been to Heaven and back, because my self esteem was so low I literally thought that was the only way anyone would ever even like me for a few hours.
Now that's pretty pathetic, but I really thought that way. My childhood abuse got me thinking that making other people cum was all I was good for. I struggled with that a long time. I had to work hard to believe I mattered as a human being, I had OTHER things to offer the world and that I deserved to be liked for all my other skills too.
Now sexuality is a part of being human. We don't HAVE to drink alcohol, but giving up sex 100% isn't realistic. So I don't consider "abstinence" to be realistic for a sexual addiction. That's like curing compulsive eating by never eating food again.
So I watch myself. I keep my self esteem up, I prove to myself that I have worth by being the best person I can be, not just by how well I can seduce women and make them smile.
Now I will admit, when I feel low I wind up working hard to cheer up other people, women especially. But since I'm no longer doing things like trolling for "horny housewives looking to cheat" on dating sites, I see that as an acceptable replacement. In the past ten years I've talked to hundreds of depressed people in chat rooms and message boards. I've talked dozens of people into promising to go call a suicide hotline or go to therapy or whatever, and to not kill themselves that day as a personal favor to me. I went from seducing women to saving some lives.
OK sure, it's the SAME ADDICTION sort of. I'm still looking to feel better about myself by doing things for other people. But isn't that what EVERYONE DOES?
I hope this makes some sense.
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Where I am right now in my addiction is as close to "finished recovering and back to normal" as I expect to get. I had a rotten childhood, which included being sexually abused and a lot of emotional neglect. This caused me to have terrible self esteem and self worth.
http://nathanielbranden.com/healthy-self-esteem
Now I had other issues from this, alcoholism, depression, anxiety, PTSD and OCD mainly. But I'll focus on the sexual addiction part of it for now. BUT I want to make the point that a lot of us have MULTIPLE issues, it's hardly ever JUST sex addiction we are dealing with.
Also, to be honest, there were times my depression would have turned into a suicide if I hadn't gotten drunk enough to kill the pain for a few hours, or if I hadn't acted out on my sexual addiction to feel less alone and hurt. So addictions do serve a purpose and in the short term keep us going. We get into trouble when they start causing problems worse than the ones we were struggling with in the first place.
So that's one reason I always tell people you can't JUST STOP your addiction. It was there for a reason, it just wasn't the right solution to the problem. I was compelled to find women and flatter them, seduce them, make them feel beautiful, and then do things that would make them think they'd been to Heaven and back, because my self esteem was so low I literally thought that was the only way anyone would ever even like me for a few hours.
Now that's pretty pathetic, but I really thought that way. My childhood abuse got me thinking that making other people cum was all I was good for. I struggled with that a long time. I had to work hard to believe I mattered as a human being, I had OTHER things to offer the world and that I deserved to be liked for all my other skills too.
Now sexuality is a part of being human. We don't HAVE to drink alcohol, but giving up sex 100% isn't realistic. So I don't consider "abstinence" to be realistic for a sexual addiction. That's like curing compulsive eating by never eating food again.
So I watch myself. I keep my self esteem up, I prove to myself that I have worth by being the best person I can be, not just by how well I can seduce women and make them smile.
Now I will admit, when I feel low I wind up working hard to cheer up other people, women especially. But since I'm no longer doing things like trolling for "horny housewives looking to cheat" on dating sites, I see that as an acceptable replacement. In the past ten years I've talked to hundreds of depressed people in chat rooms and message boards. I've talked dozens of people into promising to go call a suicide hotline or go to therapy or whatever, and to not kill themselves that day as a personal favor to me. I went from seducing women to saving some lives.
OK sure, it's the SAME ADDICTION sort of. I'm still looking to feel better about myself by doing things for other people. But isn't that what EVERYONE DOES?
I hope this makes some sense.
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
I don't completely agree with you about abstinence. While I don't believe most people are called to a lifetime of abstinence (although some are and are able to do so), I do believe in abstaining from sex outside of marriage. This ties in heavily with what I believe the purpose of sex is.
Your post in a way alludes to an important distinction between pornography addiction and sexual addiction. Where pornography is always self-focused -- it's about feeling sexual pleasure involves looking at people as a means of getting that pleasure -- it sounds like your addiction was also tied into connecting with others.
It seems to me that sexual addiction could go either way. The addict could interact with real people but see them as objects, a means to pleasure, or he or she could see the sexual activity as a means to feeling a human connection, however imagined that connection is.
It intrigues me that you refer to your efforts to reach out to the depressed as being part of the same addiction in a sense. While it is awesome that you are helping people who may be most in need, you are still forming a lot of short-term, temporary connections. Are you also building long-term relationships with people in your life?
This is something I still struggle with -- my relationship with my wife is great, but I haven't figured out how to make real friendships outside my marriage. I can get along with people and can have pleasant conversations, but no one other than my wife seems to like spending time with me just to spend time with me. I feel like I don't relate well to other men, and my wife wouldn't appreciate me building a lot of friendships with other women. This was an issue for me as a kid before I became an addict and was certainly part of why I became one. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to change it yet.
You have me wondering if anyone has ever shown a connection between SA and difficulty with socializing in general. I never thought about it that way but early on that was a huge challenge for me in life. I started out incredibly shy and introverted with the one exception of being a seductive SA from teens into late 20s.
As I worked on my issues, I went from an introvert to the sort of manic extrovert Michael Keaton used to play. And the better I got at socializing, looking back, the less I needed to be a seducer. Huh. I never connected the two quite that way.
ANYONE in the group ever connected these particular dots?
BTW dlansky, I relied a lot on sales training experts to boost my social skills and learn to "fake having charisma" until I started to be good with people. I'd start you out with as much Tony Robbins as you can get and add in some Earl Nightingale. Both can be found dirt cheap on amazon or bootlegged for free on youtube. It saved MY ass anyways.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5grXL9KPty0
Many addicts are multiply-addicted. I suspect that more addicts find a more acceptable substitute addiction than are actually cured of all their addictions. Is methadone-maintenance for heroin addicts a good or bad thing? My opinion goes back and forth on the issue. At the moment I feel that baby steps, if that is all you can accomplish, are good.