I think that it takes time, but when recovery is really happening, then sex can not help but get better very quickly, it is a natural result of the openness and honest intimacy that results from actual recovery.

I have heard that ED comes from Porn. I think it would have to do with progressive nature of addiction that more and more endorphines would be needed for the same level of gratification.

I have experienced that adjusting my expectations back to a reasonable level where my wife can satisfy my needs was both difficult and necessary to begin to become intimate. This can come from a time of celibacy or pure abstinance from any form of sex for 90 days or so. This will break down chemical connections between lust and ejaculation, and allow a sort of rebuilding of the whole sexual process.

Like I said, I did not have that experience, but it seems reasonable, there is always something underneith the physical stuff, so find and concentrait on that, and the ED will fix itself.

Good luck

I really appreciate your input. I think that there is a difficult period of trying to differentiate the intimate sex life you are trying to achieve from the physical/lustful side of sex that a SA grows to only know. I think it is a very confusing thing for the mind to adjust to a normal intimate relationship after all the porn/m. I just feel at times that the sex appears somewhat forced and not natural at times. I know we will only get better at achieving the ultimate level necessary for a healthy intimate relationship. I guess I am just impatient!

Thanks again for your input. Anyone else want to tell me their experiences?

We haven't had this particular experience. I'm sure it has some to do with us being younger and him not having a longer history of p/m. However, I've been on other boards and this is a VERY COMMON scenario. A lot of it has to do with developing a normal sex drive.

Ex: My aunt drinks two 2-liters of Diet Pepsi PER DAY. That is a crazy amount. I'm fairly normal and drink, maybe, 2 cans a week. But imagine if she were to try to regulate something normal (like soda drinking) after consuming so much of it regularly. I think because sex can't be removed altogether, he's getting readjusted to normalcy and that may seem odd after so much for so long. Especially when it is something designed for good, honest pleasure but turned into something secretive and abusive.

On a slightly different note, and a little awkward to mention, but I talked with a nurse recently and she said excessive masturbation is a huge leading factor in ED, as the hand is much rougher than a woman's little tool and, thus, lends itself to breaking up the skins tissue and causing internal scarring and other damage. That, put hand in hand with visual numbing to the beautiful simplicity of a wife's body, can make normal sex much more difficult.

I hope it has nothing to do with the latter, szq, and wish you and your husband godspeed as you figure this issue out. I know what impatience feels like. =)

Interesting calimommy about the excessive masturbation theory and its effects. I want to read more about this. I have kind of heard something similar to this as well, but I want to read more and understand if there is validity to this thought. I also have read that it is a real task to retrain the mind from this excessive unhealthy, unnatural form of sex to true intimacy. I am sure we will be fine, just bothers me I guess as we use to have a great sex life early on and just wanted it back. Thanks for sharing.

My h is 46 years old, and does not have any erection problems. Yes after 3 decades of rubbing, i would have thought it could have rubbed off by now :)
Alas the sails are still up and going strong. Lucky for me, he must have superhuman strength!!

Well I know in a few different SA books, and in the meetings they talk about how it's difficult sometimes for an SA to be sexual with someone they really love. They have learned to have sexual feelings without any emotional attachment.

My fiance has told me, that basically sometimes he's scared to death to make love to me because he would feel so much (both emotionally during, and apparantly the orgasm is coupled with lovefeelings that don't happen otherwise) So in a way, maybe it's a compliment :)

Also, I don't know about you, but there were several times in the past where he was still lying to me that he had slipped and not told me, but I always knew instantly when we were intimate. So sometimes sex was equivalent to getting caught. But he and I have overcome that issue now :) Just a thought!

Finding this thread is a breath of fresh air. I have been struggling in recovery and therapy. I am a fantasy SA and have found it difficult to have a desire for sex with my sig other. In the past I would blame it on them and think it was their short comings. I slowly started to realize that I was the only constant. I always feel I need that heightened lust and excitement with my sex and normal intercourse doesnt do it. I still masturbate and fantasize and think that is keeping me from restablishing a normal sex life.

It just feels good that other people struggle with this. Sometimes I feel so alone and I feel like I am on a countdown to breaking up with my girl if I don't fix this quickly, even though she has told me to stop doing that. Its good to see this thread is all I can say.

I am wondering too, if my h needs that extra excitement and lust of fantasy to get him jump started. I guess if you have done this your whole life (and he tells me that he has done this even when he was growing up) and you deplete this out of your life, it would make sense that it would be hard to experience intimacy.

This leads to my next question then. Is it possible to overcome the need for extra lust and excitement to bring on arousal with your wife? Is it possible to be intimate without fantasy?

This has happened a couple of times and for me it has had to do with a couple of things. Partly it can be related to physical tiredness if you have just had a marathon masturbation session and all of the sudden you are being called on to go again. Partly it can be psychological related to shame/guilt you feel about being deceptive. I think for me when this happened it was a combination of the two. It has been a while since my SA has been that out of control, but I can remember having like hours long porn sessions with multiple climaxes, then my wife gets home and indicates she is in the mood. I feel terrible about what I have been doing and I am physically worn out, that can lead to some erectile issues. Thankfully this didnt happen enough to create any lasting rift in intmacy for us, but I think it definitely could. I think any secrecy about these kinds of things will damage intimacy at least temporarily, I dont know that this particular problem makes it worse that the emotional block that already exists between SA and SO, but maybe it could if that was the only way you knew that he was using.

Been living and dealing with PA/SA/MA all my life. It's affected different relationships in different ways, some good, some bad, always left struggling to find a happy medium. Fortunately for myself, i was raised by a Marine and became one myself, which instilled and engrained discipline which i have had to use in odrer to keep my "impulses" under control. One of the bigger reasons i left the stbx is because we had virtually no sex life or even basic intimacy, despite counseling and all other efforts.
Now, however, i have been fortunate ehough to have found someone who shares many (if not all) of my desires, both inside as well as outside of the bedroom. She also makes me feel so comfortable, that i was able to easily disclose my addiction to her, to which she understood :) She also shares a very high sex drive and we arrange schedules (we both are going thru divorce and have kids) so that our private quality time is exactly that and the door to communication is always open. I've never been with someone with whom i've enjoyed so much pillow talk! So, i know that i'm getting the satisfaction of incredible sex, but also the intimacy of romance and love.

I just recently read the book by Dr Douglas Weiss on sexual anorexia and a lot of the characteristics fit my husband. We have been intimate twice this year ☹️. How do I approach him with the information I have that this might be our issue?

There is no doubt that masturbation and porn leads to ED ...the amount of even very young men that have ecounter ED issues is staggering. My husband had bouts of it young, early 20s and not once did a dr ever question him about porn use or masturbation. SO fast forward 20 years and had issues again, and once again went a dr, did blood work, order vitamins and stuff online, and never questioned his porn use. Went to 2 therapist, one put all the blame on ME the other figured it was all in his head. ...guess who my husband listened to ? So after countless failed attempts to be intimate, i started doing some researched and found so much information on sex/porn addiction and ED. I gave my hubby all the info, and he brought it to his therapist who immediately referred him to an addiction therapist...a few weeks later after a huge phone argument where my husband was still blaming me i discovered accidently his online activity, with countless profiles on sex dating sites. When confronted he denied for weeks, but in a fit of panic deleted all of them, sent emails to the women he was having an online affair with for months and white knuckled sobriety for 18 months. Within that time continued to lie to me , his therapist and himself about all that he had done over the 22 years but stopped watching porn for that 18 months. BUT, he was still suffering with sexual anorexia because he hadnt dealt with the core issues of his addiction, was still lying and he believes that those lies were the root of his ED. One day i woke up and realized i could no longer be in a marriage like that...and i booked a polygraph....and put it all on the line, poly or divorce. He found himself as the date got nearer researching how to beat the test. Trickle disclosure started over the weeks before, first porn use, relapses, then strip clubs,touching strippers in lap dances, then kissing women in bars,then in a parking lot he disclosed web cam sex with a women after months of communicating with her, then he panicked and cut off ties with her, then an online affair with phone calls, and naked pictures sent back and forth etc. He then gave me and the polygrapher a 3 page typed letter with all the shit he done for the 22 year relationship, passed the poly that he had disclosed everything, and went to inpatient rehab for 21 days. He is a new man...These addiction is damaging for everyone involved and addicts have a difficult time being intimate with emotions attached but there is hope but not until the addiction is under control. Doug Weiss has tons of tips about how to regain intimacy back. There is hope in recovery and sobriety.