Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Has anyone actually made and kept a sexual agreement for a time that worked.
Doug Weiss, and RCA both advocate a specific sexual agreement to agree on a frequency, and then who initiates, and then follow it.
So one of DW' criterian is that you always say "yes" to the spouses initiation. So in a simple very structureed agreement if you agree to have sex on Wed and Sat, they initiate on Wed and you initiate on Sat. Then noone can say no. If you do, then you are breaking the agreement.
Of course this is not a perminant arrangement, but it is a way of practicing things like balanced initiation, acceptance of meeting the others need in kindness. Not pestering for sex on "off" days. And taking responsibilty for handling sex like adults together.
My concern is this. I discussed this agreement with 5 different counselers 2 CSATs, Doug Weiss, and 2 without sex addiction training.
ALL of the female counselors said that my wanting a written sexual agreement was controlling and that if my wife wants to say "no" then I am not being respectful expecting her to agree on a reasonable tempo and agreeing to say "yes"
All the male counselors said that as long as we both agree, then it will do major healing in trusting and calming the chaos around rejection of hearing no, and the pressure of asking too much.
Has anyone actually followed through with a sex agreement, and what were the results? Or is this a crazy unrealistic expectation and Doug Weiss has it wrong?
Doug Weiss, and RCA both advocate a specific sexual agreement to agree on a frequency, and then who initiates, and then follow it.
So one of DW' criterian is that you always say "yes" to the spouses initiation. So in a simple very structureed agreement if you agree to have sex on Wed and Sat, they initiate on Wed and you initiate on Sat. Then noone can say no. If you do, then you are breaking the agreement.
Of course this is not a perminant arrangement, but it is a way of practicing things like balanced initiation, acceptance of meeting the others need in kindness. Not pestering for sex on "off" days. And taking responsibilty for handling sex like adults together.
My concern is this. I discussed this agreement with 5 different counselers 2 CSATs, Doug Weiss, and 2 without sex addiction training.
ALL of the female counselors said that my wanting a written sexual agreement was controlling and that if my wife wants to say "no" then I am not being respectful expecting her to agree on a reasonable tempo and agreeing to say "yes"
All the male counselors said that as long as we both agree, then it will do major healing in trusting and calming the chaos around rejection of hearing no, and the pressure of asking too much.
Has anyone actually followed through with a sex agreement, and what were the results? Or is this a crazy unrealistic expectation and Doug Weiss has it wrong?
Lorilou
Are you noticing any strange emotions, memories or revelations with this abstinence?
I know when my H went through his withdrawal he experience shame attacks for the littlest things like if someone was rude or condescending to him. This was strange to me as I always thought of my H as so confidennt but wo his normal defenses he was so vulnerable.
How about you...do you think that would be possible if your wife became very nurturing, loving, calm and gental that you could be patient enough with her to help her explore why this causes her to be on edge, angry, childish, hurtful and with so many walls?
I know in our situation with all that my H had been through at first I was angry and resentful about being in such an irony Of a situation. as you know most men would kill to have a wife that was happy to oblige them at any time but in my case if I so much as gave him a sexy, sideways glance he would go anorexic on me. It was like wooing a frightened, wild Tom cat that had never known what it could be like to be happily domesticated in a warm and loving home. Eventually I came to understand the trauma my H went through and how predatory I must have looked whenever I would flirt or make advances. I know this was just his projection of me but when I could see things from his point of view I was overcome with compassion.
Do you think she could be anorexic like my H and subsequently been traumatised as a young girl sexually?
Lorilou