I can't speak from experience, as this is the first I've heard of this exact type of agreement. But as a spouse:

We go through times when sex is mentally painful, and it's hard to predict when those times are going to be or how long they will last. Also, many people (both SAs and SOs) have a hard time negotiating as equals until they are pretty far along in their healing.

Hi Choose,

In the past I would not have been able to even fathom a future in which this agreement would have been necessary. But now further along in our recovery...I think we are near stage III, 2 1/2 years....I think something like this might be plausible for us.

So even though we have never done this I might consider it in the future now that the grieving stage is over, I no longer experience PTSD, my anger and need to controll is no longer an issue as well as his, anorexia issues no longer bother us, resentment is not an issue, and the biggest reason is we are great with our communication in most all areas except sexually. Basically, I think you would need to be in a pretty healthy place with your partner before you should try this. Just my 2 cents.

Since we have had much confusion in the past about who is
supposed to ask first and how often I think this might be not only a
good routine which would take the pressure of the unknown away but
also the help me as I feel very inhibited in asking.

Lorilou

Wow, so maybe I am just asking too soon. Debbie lasser mentioned that they made agreements to "practice" healthy sexuality like who initiated. Actually I think she said "to practice initiating".

I really like doug Weiss 100 days to intimacy. Book it covers. This stuff very well.

Well, I'm not sure that I'd label it "controlling" but as the spouse of an SA, who never respected my sexual boundaries, I'd be very unhappy with this type of agreement. Being able to say "no" is fundamental to a sexual relationship, IMO. I don't think I should even need a reason. My H was very reluctant to recognize "no", indeed, he often didn't even ask but just did what he wanted, in order to avoid the possibility I might say "no".

I guess if your spouse is genuinely agreeable, it could work for you but in my case, I couldn't imagine anything worse. Respect is the key. What does your partner think?

I totally agree with Lorilou, if y'all are both in a good place, it could be healthy.

My biggest problem with it early on is that "No" is taken off the table. Otherwise an agreement such as this could be helpful for the reasons you said, practice initiating, finding your mutually fulfilling quantity.

I think that saying that no is not an option is meant to help no one feel rejected. It takes the weight off the initiator and places it firmly on the spouse whom is being approached. Maybe a better option is to have a back-up plan for that, like a back rub or cuddling.

Trina posted an exerpt from Marsha Means book Mending a Shattered Heart....this is a small part of it:

Why Does Sex Feel Like An Obligation?
Many partners describe approaching sex as an obligation. In these cases, you're not engaging in sex because there's an internal desire or motivation, but rather becuase you feel that you "have to". Often whats behind this is the idea that if you are not sexual with your partner, he or she will act out. If you don't attempt to satisfy his or her sexual needs, then your partner will get them met elsewhere.
This may translate into having sex when you don't feel like it. Given that you may not have been educated on the nature of sexual addiction and the underlying causes, its understandable that you may assume, erroneously, that you can control the addiction through your sexual behaviour or that the addiction has to do with your sexuality.
ie;
"All along, I had thoughts that if I just went along with everything he wanted sexually then he would get better...I ended up doing things that digust me"
"I thought that if I gave him enough sexually, he would stop acting out. When he entered recovery, I would feel obligated to be sexual with him when he wanted to even if I didn't want to, because I felt if he was abstaining from all sexual stimulus outside of our relationship, then I owed him sexually. But this made me feel resentful becuase it was not what I wanted and I still feel unsafe.

I totally understand not wanting to be sexual as a result of a weary or fristraiting day. A late night of car pooling around, And especially when I am harborking resentment or anger towards my wife for something I have not forgiven them from.

But isn;t it a little easier to leave these things at the bedroom door if you have already decided and agreed to being sexual that night? A heartfelt zeal to keeping your promise inside a sexual agreement could be to arrange for grandma to do the carpool thing on wedensday, and spend the afternoon at the spa, and the evening in a bubble bath anticipating the intimacy and connection that spiritual sexuality creates. Rather than being irritated and deciding to be resentful because you are obligated.


Maybe I did not express both sides of this coin. If we agree on having sex on Wed and Sat. Then I CAN NOT INITIATE on MT, TF or sunday. On those days my wife can relax and accept my affectionate ovurtures without having to defend herself because she thinks it will lead to sex if I want to kiss or hug her. She can enjoy my flirting and we can be safe to connect in other non-sexual ways without the pressure of deciding if it is going to be sexual.

If we did the I initiate my week and you initiate your week. And we have at least 1 sexual encouter and no more than 4 in any given week. Then she is free to learn what makes her comfortable, and open herself up to her own internal desires to be sexual without the pressure of me initiating at all that week. She can begin to experiment with her own sexuality rather than always having to respond to mine. During my weeks. IF the agreement is always to say YES, then she can enjoy those times that I do not initiate sex, because I am much more relaxed and much less in need of "doing what I want to do without asking just to aviod the "no".

I am hoping the foundation of the agreement is not to force anyone to have sex when they don't want to, but rather to take all the chaos out of the dynamic (fear, manipulation, rejection, using it as a weapon, letting it flop in the emotional winds) but rather two adults agree to meet each others needs in a safe predictable way to build trust... for a time. Once the trust is buiilt and everyone keeps their sexual word for 3 months or 6 months of an agreement like this, maybe I would be more in tune with her and know better that she does or does not want to be sexual and respect that. And she would trust me not to objectify her because I know she is willing and able and committed to meeting this need for me, as I am for her.

Paul said we owe each other due benevolence. 1 Cor 7. The Greek word is EUNOIN. NOIN = rational concientioius study or knowledge. EU = Heartfelt Zeal, Good will, enthusiasm. And Due = a debt a promise or obligation that you chose to endebt yourself to do.

So, the first thing I must say is that sex addiction is NOT eunoin. In fact the only possible response to sexual addiction is A-NOIN. Which means irrational rage, lack of understanding. well being anoyed.

I would say, that rational understanding and entusiasticly knowing and meeting your partners sexual needs means being available AND deciding NOT to initiating because you KNOW it is the wrong time because you have studied your spouse, and know their wants needs and desires.

So, is it not pssoible that if there was a clear negotiated nurturing predictable agreement between two adults about how often, when and who will initiate, with a committment to saying yes to your partners overtuires, that after a time of everyone following through , trust would go UP, respect would go UP, negative feelings about sex would go down, and intimacy would improve.

About respecting sexual boundaries. Wouldnt a clear outlined agreement like this help clarify and define these boundaries, and both partners respecting these boundaries promote intimacy?

More of Trina's post taken from Marsha Means:

MENDING A SHATTERED HEART....A guide for partners of sex addicts
By Stefanie Carnes

What About My Sexuality?
Page 77- 90

When it comes to sex addiction and sexual compulsivity, there is tremendous focus on the addicts sexuality. This makes sense because, after all, it is the sexual acting out of the addict that in many ways characterizes the problem and is one of the targets of treatment. Often, the addicts sexuality is perceived as "the problem". Therapists, sponsors, support groups, couples and the addict, all pay close attention to the addicts sexuality.
However, seldom does the spotlight spin around and shed light on the sexuality of the partner or spouse of the sex addict. In all the effort to help address the addicts problem, the sexuality of the partner or spouse is most often conspicuously minimised, neglected and ignored. Rarely does the partners sexuality become a focus of clinical attention or discussion and, when it does, its most often in the context of couples treatment - in an attempt to help the couple become sexual in the later stages of the recoevry process. Since the majority of partners are female, one of the reasons for this is the still prominent patriarchal dynamic of neglecting female sexuality and rendering it unimportant and illegitimate. It also reflects the clinical fields squeamishness and avoidance of female sexuality, including sexual and gender-based victimization.
What happens to the sexuality of the partner or spouse of a sex addict? What type of impact does sex addiction have on the partners sexuality and what can he or she do to address this impact? This chapter aims to address this impact. This chapter aims to address some of the ways that your sexualality, your sexual sense of self, sexual psychology, and sexual functioning may be impacted and wounded by the sexual addiction and its consequences. In addition, a treatment model is proposed to help partners embark on a sexual-healing journey, amd reclaim aspects of your sexuality in the context of sex addiction. This is designed to speak to you directly as a partner.

The Sexual Trauma Model;
As one begins to understand the sexual symptoms experienced by partners of sex addicts, the symptoms are strikingly similar to the symptoms known to occur from sexual trauma, such as rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse and molestation. When we look at well established symptoms of sexual trauma and abuse, partners of sex addicts can identify with many or all of them. Many experts hold a new emerging perspective that partners of sex addicts experience a form of sexual trauma.
Using this model, the partners symptoms, reactions, and what is otherwise perceived as 'erratic behaviour' may be understood as symptoms of trauma. These symptoms, when ignored, only serve to exacerbate them. These symptoms may be similar to those seen in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS). Working from a trauma model, the partners symptoms are understood and framed as natural and expected responses to trauma - a way of coping and trying to adapt and survive. This perspective respects and validates the partners sexual wounding and victimization and, most important, emphasizes the importance of looking at his or her sexual syptoms and healing them.
When we shift our thinking and perception to include and acknowledge the sexual trauma that you may be experiencing, your reactions and symptomology make much more sense. This perspective also helps the professional address the issues at hand in a way that will more likely lead to healing and change - helping you move through your wounding rather than remaining stuck in your pain.
Its also known among professionals that one of the most challenging aspects of recovery for addicts and their partners is regaining a sense of sexual health. Even when some of the emotional and relational aspects seem to have been worked through, confronting and addressing the sexual aspects of healing often go unaddressed. The sexual trauma model may help you explain why sexual healing and finding healthy sexuality can be so challenging for partners and couples in recovery. If symptoms of sexual trauma have been ignored, finding healthy sexuality as a couple can be a near-impossible task. Underneath the attempts to regain intimacy and sexual pleasure lay trauma wounds that are open and still bleeding. Again, the trauma perspective helps the journey of sexual healing in that it specifically acknowledges any sexual trauma and makes imperative the need to address and attend to the specific sexual symptoms as part of treatment toward sexual health.

Sexual Wounding;
The process of discovery can clearly have many consequences: psychological, emotional, relational and spiritial. One of the dinensions of your experience that's often impacted, yet frequently unacknowledge, is your sexuality. Of course, simply avoiding your sexuality doesn't make the impact any less. It simply leaves many partners impacted by the addiction to either address these issues in isolation, with little support or ignore them altogether. Silence, however only perpetuates the symptoms.
Sexuality fundamentally impacts the core of our psychology and sense of self. This is why the impact on your sexuality cannot be compartmentalised and left ignored without it affecting pther aspects of your life, along with your healing process as a couple. It is vital for you to acknowledge, validate and address how the addicts sexual acting out affected you. Its additionally important for the addict to recognize the impact of his or her behaviour on your sexuality as well. Every partner is impacted differently by the addicts sexual acting out. Some may experience few sexual symptoms. However, others experience a greater effect on their sexuality. It's imperative that every partner or spouse struggling with these issues go through the process of assessing their sexuality and recognizing any wounding in this area.
This chapter discusses some of the ways your sexuality can be impacted. Much of this discussion is based on qualitative research, where partners describe their experiences in their own words. Not every type of sexual wound will be described here and many may not apply to every partner. However, this will give you awareness that, indeed, many partners of addicts do experience sexual wounds that are signifigant, painful, and clearly indicate the need for attention and healing. The types of wounding described here are based on the sexual trauma perspective.
As you read them, take time to reflect on the ways you identify with the experiences of other partners, and try to become more aware of your share in your pain.

Why Do I Avoid, Fear, Or Lack Interest In Sex?;
One of the most common sexual wounds that you may experience, particularly early in the process and often immediately after discovery or disclosure, is a type of sexual shutting down and sexual aversion. The idea of sex is painful and overwhelming. You may no longer feel pleasure or have any interst in sexuality.
ie;
"I couldn't masturbate for at least a month or two after disclosure"
"I can't imagine ever being sexual again. I have no interest."
"I feel dead sexually. I couldn't care less wheter I have sex again"
"I fear sex in the future. I don't think its just because I've been with the same man for 16 years and am no longer youthful. I think it has alot to do with how my sexuality has been impacted by the sex addiction"

Specific behaviours that you once enjoyed may become aversive and may produce anxiety or fear.
ie;
"I never again performed oral sex. Possibly it was the submissive nature to it. Or it was just me pleasuring him. I never wanted to do that for him again. Possibly because I could so easily imagine all the other mouths, bought and paid for, that had performed that little service before. It took on the feeling of service, rather than intimacy. I just refused to go there again."
"I still feel sexual. I still want to engage in sex. But I know I will never feel as sexually free as I did before I became involved with my sexual addict husband. I'll always be leery about what lies beneath, possibly feeling that there is always darkness, shame, hidden secrets associated with a mans sexuality."

Why Does Sex Feel Like An Obligation?
Many partners describe approaching sex as an obligation. In these cases, you're not engaging in sex because there's an internal desire or motivation, but rather becuase you feel that you "have to". Often whats behind this is the idea that if you are not sexual with your partner, he or she will act out. If you don't attempt to satisfy his or her sexual needs, then your partner will get them met elsewhere.
This may translate into having sex when you don't feel like it. Given that you may not have been educated on the nature of sexual addiction and the underlying causes, its understandable that you may assume, erroneously, that you can control the addiction through your sexual behaviour or that the addiction has to do with your sexuality.
ie;
"All along, I had thoughts that if I just went along with everything he wanted sexually then he would get better...I ended up doing things that digust me"
"I thought that if I gave him enough sexually, he would stop acting out. When he entered recovery, I would feel obligated to be sexual with him when he wanted to even if I didn't want to, because I felt if he was abstaining from all sexual stimulus outside of our relationship, then I owed him sexually. But this made me feel resentful becuase it was not what I wanted and I still feel unsafe."

Why Do I Engage In Compulsive Or Inappropriate sexual behaviours?
Sometimes you may find yourself engaging in sexual behaviours or activities that you would otherwise not want to or that are incongruent with your comfort level or value system. Again, this may have to do with obligatory demands you may feel, and you may believe that your partners sexual acting out is dependant on your sexuality. You may also be using sexuality in a compulsive manner, in that you use sex as a way to medicate your pain caused by the addiction. This may then leave you feeling your own sense of shame as a consequence of using sex as a way of coping - creating your own cycle of compulsive sexual behaviour.
While its understandable to think that a partners sexual acting out could be curtailed and controlled by giving him or her more sex or the type of sex that he or she seems to seek in his acting out, its critical that you come to recognize that your sexuality is independant of his or her sexual acting out. Dependance on problematic sexual behaviour and arousal is not about you or your sexuality - its about the addicts underlying psychological and emotional dynamics. Using sex to try to control or 'help' another person doesn't constitute healthy sexuality.
ie;
"I found myself becoming more sexual and willing to engage in behaviours I didn't like."
"I felt pressure to comply with his sexual desires...that if I acted like a porn star, he would like me and not act out."
"I felt obligated to wear lacey or sexy underwear even though I hated the way it looked under my clothes. I hated wearing the underwear, especially when I would wait up for him to see it and he wouldn't come home until 2am. I felt unwanted by the onw person I wanted, and powerless to please him. Now I am resentful of the years of dressing the part, and regret that because of how hurt I still feel about it."

Why Do I Experience Negative Feelings Such As Anger, Disgust or Guilt With Touch?
You may find it challenging to experience touch, particularly sexual touch, in a way thats pleasurable, comforting or loving. Instead, you may fear touch, find it aversive and feel uncomfortable with being touched. This is particularly significant when we consider how important touch is to human functioning. Touch is a basic need; thus, demonstrating how you may be feeling a type of wounding on the most core and basic level of human experience.
ie;
"I feel disgusted by the idea of sex and a man's body. I am scared of physical contact."
"I recoil from touch now. I just don't want anyone touching me anymore. I am damaged."
"I can't imagine what a passionate kiss feels like anymore. I cringe when he attempts to embrace me - even platonically."

Why Do I Have Difficulty Becoming Aroused or Feeling Sensation?
One possible symptom experienced by partners is a lack of psyical and sexual responsiveness. Sensation may be experienced as diminished. Arousal, orgasmic response and the ability to lubricate may all be impacted on some level. It makes sense that when there are so many psychological and emotional disturbances occurring that the physical body will be affected.
ie;
"I definately had difficulty becoming aroused and feeling sensation. I wasn't sure if that was a factor of the sexual trauma, or what was lacking between my husband and myself."
"I have been unable to experience any type of sexual pleasure or intimacey for a very long time."
"I didn't feel anything anymore...it was like I was numb."

Why Do I Feel Dirty And Contaminated?
Some partners describe feeling dirty and contaminated. The disgust the partner feels towards his or her partners behaviour is often projected onto the self. The addicts behaviours are seen as dirty, and she/he perceives herself as dirty. By being associated with that which you feel is disgusting, you have become contaminated as well.
ie;
"I feel dirty and disgusting and objectified. I feel crazy for thinking and feeling that way."
"I feel dirty, marked and scarred."
Obviously, this includes more than just a perception of being contaminated; it includes fears of actually contracting a sexually transmitted infection.
"I not only feel dirty and contaminated, but i worry about becoming infected with a disease."
"My health is hugely at risk. I am terrified of HPV, AIDS and other STDs."
"I feel angry and anxious becuase I have to use a condom with my own husband. I can't trust that he's clean."

Why Do I Feel Emtionally Distant Or Not Present During Sex?
The experience of feeling detached and not present is common among partners of addicts. There's often a part of you that feels unsafe, suspicious, untrusting and uncertain about the presence of your partner. You may wonder if she or he is fantasizing about other partners or pornographic images, or if your partner is enjoying sex with you. There's often a part of you thats still wounded, hurting and in considerable pain. It makes sense that you may be unable to be fully present under these conditions. You may be preoccupied with anxiety about a STD or if your partner is acting out again. You may be focusinf on your own sense of inadequancy, feeling preoccupied with your body image, and whether you are arousing your partner.
ie;
"I felt detached from my body. I dissociated."
"I feel emotionally separate from him and have a really hard time being present when trying to be intimate. I panic when he won't look at me and wonder where his mind is."

Why Do I Experience Intrusive or Disturbing Thoughts, Images And Flashbacks?
Experiencing intrusive thoughts or images is common and highly disturbing for some partners. You may discover images on the computer or in videos that firmly etched into your visual mind, These can often be of a highly graphic nature because contemporary pornography has become highly intensified and diversified. Particularly as an addicts pornography addiction escalates, he often will find himself looking at increasingly more intense sexual imagery and content - often moving into domains such as rape scenes, extreme torture, bestiality and child pornography. Many partners often have little exposure to pornography. If exposed to the extreme content found in an escalating porn addiction, discovering such images can have a shattering and horrifying impact on your psyche.
This is particularly so when you have little knowledge of how porn addiction works and the reasons for increased intensity among addicts. Because men tend to be more visually sexual, a female partner with little exposure to porn will be even more impacted by graphic sexual imagery. It's difficult to let go of such disturbing images, becuase the psyche has a way of noting material that is highly emotionally and psychologically charged. Akin to a rape victims flashbacks of the traumatic event, graphic images can be experienced in the same way and can signifigantly impact sexual functioning.
ie;
"I can't make the flashbacks stop. I see him with prostitutes all the time in my mind. I see reminders every minute, every day. I'm exhausted from all the symbolism."
"Certain behaviours of his, arguements we had, moments of doubts I had about his veracity, these would trigger thoughts and images accompanied by a rush of adrenaline and all that goes along with that."
"Its very disturbing and something I still content with 2 years later"

Why Do I Have Trouble Establishing Or Maintaining Intimate Relationships?
One of the most painful and wounding aspects of the addiction dynamic is the breakdown of trust in a relationship. Without trust its almost impossible to create a healthy and stable intimate relationship.
While distrust works on all levels of a relationship, it certainly impacts sexuality in a relationship. Since healthy sexuality most often requires vulnerability, the lack of trust will often impact your ability to fully relax during sex and will significantly impede your ability to enjoy the experience.
Furthermore, many partners come to view the addicts sexuality as fundamentally compulsive and unhealthy. The lack of trust in the addict may leave you feeling that it is simply unrealistic to expect your partner to stop acting out. This can often leave you feeling hopeless about intimacy and relationships in general. You may be experiencing a feeling of resignation. You may reason that it is better to stay with the addict that you all ready know, rather than investing in a new relationship that may ultimately lead to similar pain.
ie;
"I feel a general distrust of men and what they really think and feel about women."
"Its hard not to think of all men as being unable to control themselves if tempted. Are all men sick inside their heads?"
"I am unwilling to have sex with my husband or any other man, my trust is destroyed and I cannot put myself in harms way again."

Why Do I Experience Body Image Issues?
A common outcome experienced by partners is body image concerns and an increased sense of insecurity about physical attractiveness. In a culture where most people, particularly women, carry insecurities and concerns about physical appearnace and body image, you may experience a heightened sense of inadequacy about your body.
Among the body image concerns that you may experience, specific sexual and genital image issues may appear, resulting in significant negative consequences on your overall sexual functioning, sexual self esteem and sexual health.
ie;
"I have felt detached from my own body disgusted by it. I have felt unattractive, fat, ugly, insecure, and like I must be inferior to other women for them to have captured his interest."
"After learning of his desire that i have latger breasts, I went through a period of wondering whether I owed him to try to enhance them. Mostly I felt angry that my breasts were deemed less desirable. I used to spend a lot of time comparing myself to the sexual ideal he described."

Why Do I Feel Secrecy And Shame?
A common problem experienced by partners is the shame they feel and the embarrassment that the addicts problem is sexual in nature. This may leave you isolated and silent about your pain. Due to the fact that sexual addiction is still relatively new diagnosis and lacks the legitimacy of alcoholism as a disorder or problem, sharing that your partner is a sex addict with others leaves you vulnerable to the misconceptions and myths that exsist regarding sexual addiction.
Many spouses fear, for example, that their partners will be automatically perceived as pedophiles and they will be judged for staying in the relationship. The impact this has on your sexuality is that it leaves you hiding secretly with your sexual wounds, afraid of reaching out to others for help or support.

Why Do I Feel Responsible For This Victimization?
As mentioned, shame and secrecy often accompany your symptoms. Like many victims of sexual trauma, there's a feeling of somehow being responsible or in some way having contributed to the addicts behaviour. You may struggle with notions that you caused the addiction and see it as a reflection on you. You may have been encouraged to take responsibility for your part in the addictive processes in the relationship. This might lead to self-blame and confusion about your role in the addictive process.

What Are The Indicators Of Sexual Abuse?
To further explore how you, as a partner of a sex addict, may have been abused sexually and to appreciate this perspective, it may be useful to review author Wendy Maltz'z four indicators of sexual abuse.
Again, you may consider your own experience and in what ways you can indentify with the following indicators:

1.Were you unable to give your full consent to the sexual activity?
"He has never touched me without consent or forced anything on me. But in lying, he has robbed me of my ability to consent with full awareness of the truth, because had I known about the sexual addiction, I never would have consented to a sexual relationship."

2.Did the betrayal involve the betrayal of a trusted relationship?
"Its very traumatic to find out that the decisions I've made in our relationship, (including entering it and becoming attached in the first place), and the way I've felt about my partner hasn't, in large part, been based in reality, but in deception."

3.Was the sexual activity characterised by violence or control over you as a person?
"I feel like I've had my sexuality stolen from me, and that even as an adult, I've had very little say about what happens with and to my body and what kind of sexual relationship I will have and what my partner is allowed to do and bring into our bed."
"I feel as if my sexuality has been ripped from me and I wonder if I'll ever be able to have sex again."

4.Did you feel abused?
"I have been raped and molested in the past...and I have done some healing around that. This too feels like rape, but even worse - because I know and love this person. He is my husband."

Targeting Sexual Trauma Among Partners Of Sex Addicts;
Working within the sexual trauma model, its important for partners to acknowledge any symptoms of sexual trauma or wounding and to address these symptoms. Of course this can be a painful process, requiring patience, insight and a tremendous amount of effort and courage.
Current clinical interventions often don't include the partner in the inital stages of the addicts treatment. As a partner, you may feel that the problem is the addicts and therefore, understandably, resent the idea that you may need professional help. Most current models of treatment focus primarily on the addict; if the partner is included, it may only be in the context of couples work during the later stages of recovery.
In the cases where the partner does engage in his or her own work during the initial stages of treatment, the focus is typically on issues related to co-dependancy. This emphasizes learning to draw boundries, self care, getting out of the victim role, and gaining support through 12-step groups such as COSA or S-Anon. When trauma or victimization is addressed, its typically limited to the emotional and relational betrayal and trauma, which is obviously critical and important. Integrating the sexual trauma perspective expands treatment to include additional emphasis and focus on the sexual wounding. Your need for healing becomes emphasized and your own need for professional help should be explained in a way that helps you appreciate your wounding and need for self care.
As a partner, it may be helpful to consider intergrating some of whats offered into your own recovery journey. One of the first aspects of healing as a partner impacted by sex addiction is to recognize that the need for some individual therapeutic work that is done independant from your partner. Due to the potentially traumatic nature of the wounding that occurs sexually, its imperative that you first address some of the sexual wounding on your own, on your own terms, before trying to be sexual with your partner or another person.

Abstinence/Sex Vacation;
I recognize myself in the symptoms listed above. How should I approach my sexuality in early recovery?
One thing to consider early in the beginning of your healing journey is taking some time out to heal. This means permitting yourself to take a break from being sexual and allowing yourself some time to adjust and process the consequences of the addiction in your experience - the emotional betrayal, the change in your perception of the relationship, the hurt of having been lied to. You may feel pressure to be sexual - that if you don't, your partner will act out. You may find yourself wanting to help take care of your partners needs at the expense of your own. Both reactions are unhealthy.
You may also feel compelled to be sexual in order to comfort and reassure yourself that the relationship is still viable and your partner still loves you. You ,ay use sex as a way to medicate and comfort your pain of the addiction. This is unhealthy too. Many partners are relieved when they are given 'permission' to abstain from sex. You can let go of the pressure and feelings of obligation and attend to your wounds without sex becoming a distraction and confusing your healing process.
Don't let your partner or anyone else, including a professional, pressure you into the idea that you need to be sexual before you're ready. Whether you're going to remain in your relationship with the addict or move on, taking some time out to heal your sexual wounds is important to healthy sexuality. If you remain in a partnership, it still makes sense to first concentrate on repairing the emotional betrayal and focus on creating a basic level of relational and emotional intimacy, nefore being sexual. It doesn't make sense to work on sexual intimacy with your partner until there's an adequate level of trust and intimacy in the other areas of the relationship - whether its emotional, work, intimacy, spiritual intimacy, communication intimacy, or aesthetic intimacy.

Reclaiming Sexuality;
One important part of healing is to make a conscious, internally driven decision to reclaim your sexuality. While those around you may encourage and want you to heal on the sexual level in light of your partners addiction, its ultimately critical that you find a place inside yourself that wants to heal and make a commitment to a healing journey. One way is to articulate the specific ways you want to heal your sexuality. Some examples include;
*I want to develop a more positive view of sexuality.
*I want to stop thinking about my partners acting out during sex.
*I want to be able to say no to sex, when I don't want it.
*I want to be able to appreciate my body.
*I want to be able to share my sexual desires and needs with my partner.
*I want to be able to believe that my partners acting out was not about my inadequacy as a lover.
Make sure they are specific and realistic. Always recognize that healing is an ongoing process - progress not perfection.

Sexual Assertiveness - Finding Your Sexual Voice;
Another critical aspect of healthy sexuality is the ability to negotiate and be assertive, to communicate and make sexual negotiations, to protect yourself, and to draw sexual boundries. You should educate yourself on why this may be a challenge and why ,any of us find it difficult to own and assert our voices, particularly in terms of gender dynamics and damaged boundries from trauma. Being able to communicate, particularly about sexuality, becomes vital in the healing process and may take practice.

When Will I Be Ready To Be Sexual Again?
One of the most important aspects of the healing process is asking yourself if and when you are ready to be sexual with someone else. As a partner of a sex addict you have hopefully educated yourself, come to know some of your sexual wounds and have done some work on them, and found support. Part of healing is reaching a place of willingness to be vulnerable again sexually. It's only at this point in your process that you should engage in couples sex therapy.

Couples Trauma-Targeted Sex Therapy;
Couples sex therapy, for couples recovering from sexual addiction, should acknowledge and process the sexual wounding and any trauma experienced by the partner. This requires the addict to take full responsibility for his or her actions and the consequences of the behaviour on the partner. If this doesn't occur he/she will have trouble finding appropriate empathy and understanding the partner's symptoms and reactions.
It will also be difficult for the couple to be able to negotiate sexual boundaries and communicate honestly if the addict doesn't fully appreciate the sexual wounds of the partner and how it may be impacting the sexual experience. For example, if the partner needs to stop because he or she is feeling averse to the lovers touch, the addict needs a framework and prior discussion of why and what this is about - in order to deal with this reaction in an optimally healthy manor.
Another important aspect of sexual recovery for a couple is learning and practicing how to communicate sexually. After being able to draw boundries and reclaim your assertiveness, its important to communicate vulnerablity with your partner. One helpful exercise is for each partner to share a list of likes and dislikes. They may share a sexual fantasy. Couples are often amazed at how little they really ever communicated or knew about their partner when it comes to sex.

Recovery Is A Journey;
Recovery from the sexual trauma of discovering your partenr is a sex addict is a journey. It requires willingness for self-exploration, honesty and openness. It can be painful as the wounds are acknowledged, but its important to grieve about your experience with other supportive people. Reclaiming your sexuality will be an essential element of your healing.

Choose,

Whatever you do do not take the bait!!! Stay focused on your thread and what you want to be achieved. You know as well as I do she does not understand what you are taking about and never will sadly.


How does your wife feel about the contract?

Lorilou

Sheenre, I'm not crazy about you copying and pasting my work, and adding my name without my permission. I also not so crazy its with a person whom has told you he is no longer dealing with you again.

I would recommend you honor and respect his boundary.

Choose, I concur with Lorilou......with h & I, this kind of agreement was harder to agree on earlier on in our recovery journey. I certainly now am more willing or in a place of understanding and giving, but not earlier on.
I am thinking that maybe while the spouse still finds herself still harbouring anger or still grieving, she may not be ready....but more willing once into the repair stage of recovery. If its too early i would be worried about resentment issues being added to the already vulnerable mix.

I do understand the place you find yourself in, and can see the benefits you state above. Keep being patient mate and doing your recovery work. As a spouse this helps me heal also when i see him working honestly. Hopefully time will heal this wound.

Continued strength xxx

Sorry Trina...didn't realize that when you put these out there you didn't want them shared. You posted a whole list of things I've put out there for others to read. Was giving credit where credit was due. Your post from Marsha['s book explains the sexual problems very clearly. And, Choose didn't tell me he didn't want contact. Not a problem either way.

Thanks for the insight. What I am taking away from this is that it is too early. Both times I tried to negotiate this in therapy, I felt like the therapist threw the "You are trying to control sex" card. Which I felt was ironic being the one who was willing to give up my control (or delusional perception of control) to a mutual agreement. I feel like sex (withholding, or more accurately shaming comments in response to my initiative) is much more about control on her part than mine.

And let me make it very clear, I very much admire and respect my wife's faithfulness in this area. She has been amaizing and generous in her sexual availablity during our entire marraige and especially since recovery. This has been a blessing which I truly admire and respect about her, and it has been a curse in that there has always been a lack of ability on both of our parts to transend sex to experience emptional and spiritiual intimacy.

So as much as sex has been a about my wife, believing and trusting that God ment what he said when he said "Do not withhold due belevololence" it has also been on some level keeping the status quo of avoiding intimacy. My lack of willingness to abstain because I do not see it being biblical unless both agree, and only for a certain time, and only for prayer and fasting. is important in this as well. So maybe it is time to gently discuss abstinance for a while to take sex away as a sort of convoluted intimacy block. Or it may just be anorexia setting in on me.

I feel like my suggestion was ignored. Why is it a necessary part of this that no one can ever say no?

GirlyGirl,

I did not actually ignore you. I took your thoughts very much into account. I just did not respond directly. This is both a direct guideline from Doug Weiss' material, Which I have copied below. And it is and always has been the only failing negotiating point between my wife and I.... I will reply explaining this further in another post to help the discussion flow.



100 Days to Intimacy Doug Weiss P. 128 Guidelines for a sexual aggreement.

Guidelines for a Successful Agreement
Below are some guidelines for a successful sexual agreement. Couples can come up with
questions about their sexual agreement and may want to run them by a source of authority.
The first guideline is the issue of responding to the sexual advances of your partner. Since
we are sexual adults and not behaving as children or adolescents, what I tell couples is this:
ALWAYS say YES! unless you have a doctor excuse! That may sound extreme until you understanding
this agreement.
When its the other persons turn, comply with their advances and when its your turn, they
should comply as well. We all know when our spouse is truly too sick to be sexual and as Christians,
we need to be considerate of that. But I want to be clear, NO EXCUSES! The Im tired, I
have a headache and so on do not work in a sexual agreement.
Do not manipulate or withhold from each other sexually. This kind of reaction is an ENEMY
of intimacy. It will destroy the momentum and closeness in the reltionship over the next one
hundred-days.
Realize not everyone who says they want intimacy really does. There is no more effective
way to create chaos and anger than for a spouse to not keep their sexual word.
The second guideline is about consequences. I have worked with enought couples to know
change is difficult and can be intentionally resisted. Especially in couples that have had a life long
struggle with sexual addiction, sexual anorexia or just simple sexual maturity issues.
Once you set up a sexual agreement, and your spouse doesnt keep his or her word what do
you do? Before you begin with your sexual agreement or after a spouse Guidelines for a Successful Agreement
Below are some guidelines for a successful sexual agreement. Couples can come up with
questions about their sexual agreement and may want to run them by a source of authority.
The first guideline is the issue of responding to the sexual advances of your partner. Since
we are sexual adults and not behaving as children or adolescents, what I tell couples is this:
ALWAYS say YES! unless you have a doctor excuse! That may sound extreme until you understanding
this agreement.
When its the other persons turn, comply with their advances and when its your turn, they
should comply as well. We all know when our spouse is truly too sick to be sexual and as Christians,
we need to be considerate of that. But I want to be clear, NO EXCUSES! The Im tired, I
have a headache and so on do not work in a sexual agreement.
Do not manipulate or withhold from each other sexually. This kind of reaction is an ENEMY
of intimacy. It will destroy the momentum and closeness in the reltionship over the next one
hundred-days.
Realize not everyone who says they want intimacy really does. There is no more effective
way to create chaos and anger than for a spouse to not keep their sexual word.
The second guideline is about consequences. I have worked with enought couples to know
change is difficult and can be intentionally resisted. Especially in couples that have had a life long
struggle with sexual addiction, sexual anorexia or just simple sexual maturity issues.
Once you set up a sexual agreement, and your spouse doesnt keep his or her word what do
you do? Before you begin with your sexual agreement or after a spouse
129
fails two times to either initiate sexually or respond appropriately to your sexual advances,
consequences must be implemented for change. I have found it works better for couples to set their
consequences BEFORE they start a sexual system.
A consequence is something that a person would much rather not do than have sex. In other
words, its not just simply saying Ill do the dishes. Its much more painful that that. Let me give
you some examples that have been effective for other couples. Remember that each spouse picks
his or her own consequence.
- Hand wash and detail the spouses automobile
- 2-4 hours of volunteering at a nursing home
- Sending $100 to the Democratic Party in their town
- Volunteering at the Democratic Party in their town
- Spending time with a relative they dont like
- Sending money to a relative or organization they dont like
- A two mile run
- Having to give their spouse a 60 90 minute massage
- Having to watch the children for 4 hours while your spouse goes somewhere
- Not able to watch sports for 2 weeks
- Not going hunting or fishing
- Having to make a counseling appointment
Each person comes up with what their consequence would be for not fully participating in
their sexual agreement. For example, if John withholds sex from Mary when it was his turn to
initiate by Tuesday bedtime. He didnt do it. Regardless of the reason, since he wasnt dead and he
definitely didnt have a doctors excuse he would complete his consequence. Likewise if John
initiated during his time and Mary refused to participate, then Mary would do her agreed upon
consequence.
If a person refuses to do their consequence or if one person is regularly not keeping their
sexual word, then I would strongly suggest a counseling session.
Guideline number three is when its NOT your turn YOU CAN NOT ASK! This is a simple
guideline but when someone consistently doesnt respect the sexual space of the other person, it can
erode the sexual system.

The next guidelines I will abreviate.

4. You agree what to do during menstration ahead of time. 1. Not have sex. 2. Cuntinue normally, 3. be sexual without intercourse. etc.

5. agree on what sexual behavior is mutually satisfying for both. Each lists any position, act, or place with a Yes, No, or only if I initiate. If both say Yes to it, its fine, if both say no, its not an issue and not part of your garden together. If one says yes, and the other says no. then its off the table, or needs further discussion to gain understanding and possibly grow into those things at some point.


6. The system stays in place for at least 90 days. Then renegotiating based on what the agreement has taught you.