There are a TON of different theories on this, and far as I know no absolute proof that any 1 theory is 100% right. BUT...

The theory I think explains a lot is the "addictive personality" one. The short version is that the "average" person can cope pretty well with stress, anxiety and all that. When life gets to an average person, they have a few ways to cope, so no ONE way to cope becomes super important and obsessive.

Addict personalities do not cope well with stress anxiety or frustration. Damn near ANYTHING is too frustrating to cope with. I've seen addicts freak out and have a total melt down over totally trivial bullshit anyone else would shrug off. I do it too, but I'm working on it.

Also, addicts pick ONE way to cope. It becomes an obsession. Which is nuts, it's like trying to use a screwdriver to hammer in a nail because screwdrivers are "better."

So your husband needs to do what every OTHER addict has to do. Learn to accept that life gets frustrating some times, and calm the hell down about it. And also learn a few ways to cope instead of just the one.

It is tough. Most of us are too damn lazy to do that much work. Learning to accept that life isn't perfect and easy is the hardest thing in the world for most of us. I myself repeat the saying LIFE'S TOUGH WEAR A HELMET a 100 times a day to remember to calm the hell down.

But if we get it right and do the work, some of us can go back to using our former addictions as one of MANY ways to cope and have zero problem with it. For a decade or so I could have ONE beer a day and not relapse. If your husband does the work involved, he'll beat it.

If like a lot of us he decides "this is too hard! life's too hard! everything hurts and frustrates me! WAAAAHHHHH!!!!" then you need to find a grown up instead of an addict. Harsh truth, but I will admit, for a long time people needed to get away from me until I grew up. and when i relapsed hard, they all were right to leave until I started doing the work again.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addictive_personality

Sand,

For me, once I addressed the addiction and recovered from it, I no longer consider myself addicted since I no longer behave in addictive ways.

So you asked, "If you are not acting out, and you are not tempted (during recovery), don't you still have an addiction because there is a mindset that is deeper than acting out and temptation that is the underlying root of addiction?"

For me, temptation was not the underlying root of the addiction, the root of it was my inability to cope and obeying every trigger that came my way, due to my inability to cope with life. In other words, the root of my addiction was my inability to deal with my unwanted emotions.

You further stated,
"Say this is true. Say before acting out sexually, you acted out in another way (in our case, a kind of OCD cleaning/perfectionism), does that not mean you were still having the addiction, because you were still living out that underlying mindset?"

It depends, for me, once the addiction was behind me, I stopped behaving in ways that resembled an addiction. Then again, as I stated, once the addiction was gone, I no longer considered myself addicted thus do not behave in that manner.

The premise that recovery has to be for life because addiction is for life, for me is totally absurd, Addiction is the use of an external source to cope with an internal issue. Based on that, once the external source is eliminated, the addictive behavior is no longer present.

For me, I was not an addict, I had an addiction, like I had a cold. In the same way, that I have a cold but I am not the cold. So by looking at it, from that perspective, I was able not to internalize the addiction and allow it to dictate the rest of my life.

It is true, that remaining vigilant is important, however, if the mind has reset itself and new pathways have been established that bear no resemblance to the addictive life, then one cannot spend life in recovery because the behavior is no longer an issue.

My two ruble's worth,
Wolf (4 years sober)

The addictive personality develops very early on in development and I believe that it is truly ingrained. One must always be in awareness of this and be mindful of the addictive voice that may try and manipulate even in years of sobriety and this true for any kind of addiction. What that means to each individual as to how they move forward in recovery is different for everyone. Some addicts feel safe keeping to regular meetings and support.
From my own perspective as a spouse, I can see that recovery from this addiction takes years not months so while your husband is five months sober, he has a long road ahead of him. In the meantime, I hope you are able to focus on your own recovery from trauma.

Addicts become so due to disruption of normal infant development which physically changes the brain structures. Normally the more painful the childhood, the harder the recovery. Addicted parents and abuse make fur very addicted folks usually. People can become addicts after stresses later in life such as ptsd. So addiction is a dysfunctional way of trying to deal with and control stressing situations. Read Gabor Mate for more

Oh if people aren't using their behaviour and our substance of problem, but retain control or boundary issues then they can be considered "dry drunks" in as parlance, who haven't done the work needed to deal with their stress without recourse to negative coping behaviours. Self awareness humility, joy, love come to the fore when we addicts truly get better.

Get in AA parlance

Wolf,

as always your insight gives me something to ponder and share with my husband. He is now 15 months sober, and we have had this discussion a lot lately. He feels like a completely different person, and he acts and seems like a different man. I am wondering if us spouses (through no fault of our own, the betrayal and the trauma we are dealing with) makes us see addiction in everything after discovery. Like if my husband is an ass and barks at me about something, is this not just normal marriage communication break down, or plain and simple him just being an ass? Or is it part of his sex addiction ?

I think through marriage therapy (EFT) I am starting to be able to distinguish between the two...and starting to see how he feels, when he states that he is just not that guy anymore...

I need to state too that he is dealing with the underlying issues, such as family of origin, abandonment issues, abuse, etc

Candy - It is true what you say because of the post traumatic stress that we live with. To always be in awareness because we have to constantly look out for any red flag that may signal a set back, slip or relapse. I do this too so I truly understand however I no longer go over the deep end with it. I also note that my husband can actually have a conversation with me about this with real empathy rather than the impatient replies I used to get early on in recovery. In that moment I have to really be kind to myself as I am still a work in progress in terms of healing.

For me I no longer call myself an "addict". As far as temptations go, the longer you recovery by not giving in the stronger you get. Recovery is a life long process. The temptations you speak of will always be there. Television, radio, movies, grocery store aisles, even people on the street can be tempting. Once you recover fully those forces no longer have sway in your life. I have been sober from alcohol for 24 years in a few weeks. I have no desire to drink ever again. The mere thought makes me sick to my stomach. In a month I will have two years clean from pornography. Like alcohol the mere thought of looking at porn turns my stomach and makes me cringe. I know that I will be tempted but the more I work all of my soul and body to overcome it the less effect it has on me. Strength comes with resistance. Change comes by working a program and finding peace within oneself. And total change will bring recovery more than just abstaining. I like your title "root of addiction". Every addictive behavior has its roots. Once discovered then can be dealt with in a healthy manner. Kill the root the plant dies. Temptation are a fact of life. How we deal with them is what matters most.

All of your comments give me much food for thought--and it's sooo encouraging to hear people moving on by taking on the necessary coping skills to move away from not just the behaviour, but the mindset.

Would any or all agree with the idea that if a mindset of being unable to cope without grabbing onto something compulsively to gain some semblance of control,were evident BEFORE the behaviour began-- but NOT sexual acting out--that that could still be considered an addictive mindset before the addiction "bloomed"? Would that be like a dry drunk?

I'm trying to understand here.

"Would any or all agree with the idea that if a mindset of being unable to cope without grabbing onto something compulsively to gain some semblance of control,were evident BEFORE the behaviour began-"

Yep. By the theory I use, the addict personality could latch onto ANYTHING to obsess over. could be porn, could be crack, could be baseball cards. and if you quit one habit without fixing the problem, you bounce to some other addiction.

Sand,

You asked, "Would any or all agree with the idea that if a mindset of being unable to cope without grabbing onto something compulsively to gain some semblance of control,were evident BEFORE the behaviour began-- but NOT sexual acting out--that that could still be considered an addictive mindset before the addiction "bloomed"? Would that be like a dry drunk?"

If the individual has not learned to cope with adverse situations and is unable to deal with unwanted emotions, there is a strong possibility such addictive tendencies may surface.

However that is not always the case, some unable to cope do not always exhibit addictive behaviors, instead they simply become withdrawn or become emotionally stunted.

Wolf

Wolfiepa is always an inspiration.