Maybe its true for some but not all! I was addicted for almost 5 years and I never turned to prostitutes or had an affair! Did he tell you he had a problem? Is he getting help?

thank you for your response. Yes, he has admitted he has had an addiction for 45 years; he is in his 60's and began porn in his teens. He has gotten help on and off for 20 plus years we have been together; he always seems to go back to it. I could stand by him with an addiction, but don't know if I could if he has been unfaithful to me. He has lied to me so much over the years, I don't know if I can believe what he says.

Obviously if he's being unfaithful that is a different story. Does he WANT to get clean? How is it affecting your relationship now? (kudos to you on staying with him this long with his addiction) Do you know he has cheated or just speculating?

I found guys are visual creatures by nature, yet I am the same way, but a woman. The biggest step that a person can make is admitting they have a problem, than the next step is finding professional help if he wants to. You can't force someone to get help, the person has to find a way to want help for themselves. It is a sticky situation since you want to trust your partner but you're skeptical if he is cheating. I would take all the necessary precautions to keep yourself safe if you feel your partner is cheating. I had a break with my boyfriend for almost a year and then we got back together. He promised me he hadn't slept with anyone but for my peace of mind I got tested and I mean a full work up of every possibility that could affect my health. Afterwards, I was relieved to found nothing was wrong with me...As far as porn addiction, I would suggest spicing things up in the bedroom to keep him guessing and having fun (don't know if that is good advice).

Hello Enchantress1821, I agree, a full work up is a good idea. I feel like he has been cheating on me when he watches porn. I had never turned him down in the past, and had the hardest time when he chose porn over me. I tried everything to make him happy, even including plastic surgery, nothing worked. Now i have zero trust for him and the last thing i want to do now is to sleep with him. (because of all the pain he has caused) i feel he has ruined everything and doesn't care, his addiction has been more important than our marriage/family. the whole thing has been a poop sandwich.

Not everyone who is addicted to porn ends up turning to prostitutes; I never did. But I do believe prostitution is just further down the same path as pornography; I never did partly because I didn't think I could hide it, and the potential cost of getting caught scared me enough to resist.

As one who struggled for years with this addiction, there are a few things I think it is important for a spouse to know:

1) YOU are NOT the problem. It is not your lack of beauty or your performance in bed. The problem is with him.

2) Because you are not the problem, trying to look better or giving him great sex won't fix pornography addiction. (Russell Brand was married to the incredibly beautiful and charming Katy Perry and has admitted that he struggled with pornography addiction.)

3) Pornography is not really about wanting sex with other women instead of you. It is often about distracting oneself from the pressures of life. (It is possible that he sees you as one of those pressures, and that's where marriage counseling could help.)

4) Pornography addiction involves some intense reinforcement patterns that make the cycle extremely hard to break even when one wants to. Your husband has been rewarded with sexual gratification again and again for 40+ years every time he has indulged his addiction. His brain is conditioned to this, and this will be tough to reverse.

5) He may love you very much. He may just be struggling with not knowing how to break the cycle of addiction. I HATED the fact that I kept turning to pornography because I knew that even that was being unfaithful my wife, even if I never actually touched another woman in that way (which I never did). I just didn't know how to change.

6) Change is possible, if he is willing to fight for it. I recommend the site yourbrainonporn.com. Check out the part about "rebooting basics." He can recondition his brain, but he has to know that his brain will be working against him for a while.

I don't know if that helps or not. I just think wives need to know that the problem isn't them, and that it can be remedied.

thank you for that, i really appreciate your honesty. I will certainly check out the website you suggested.

My rock bottom moment occurred just before I started to act things out. I knew things would get out of control if I went further. I hope my experience gives you some comfort that everyone that is on this path does not look for affairs or to prostitutes as a next phase. I also hope that one of your take-aways from this post is dlansky's last sentence.

My husband was addicted to porn/strip clubs/masturbation for 22 years before i caught him. His addiction never went to affairs or having sex with someone but it did change from porn to online affairs. Chatting sexually with women on line, exchanging pictures, phone calls, web cam sex. He did kiss a women at a bar one night. She asked him to come home with her and he declined. (that happened before the web cam stuff) His addiction to just porn became boring, actually suffering from ED including when he was watching porn at times. Therefore the online stuff happened. He was actually starting to plan to meet the last women he was talking to online and i caught him. He isnt sure if he would have gone through with it but is glad that i caught him when i did. Now how do i know it never went any farther? Believe me my husband traveled alot to countries where prostitutes are legal and readily available. How do I know he didnt go home with the willing women at the bar? After i caught my husband he lied about the bad stuff for 18 months, white knuckled sobriety, stopped all porn, then relapsed with porn and masturbation a few times. I didnt know but i knew i was still being lied to...so i booked a polygraph. He refused at first (because he was still lying about what he had done for 22 years) then over 2 weeks trickled disclosure all the crap...the poly confirmed that he had told me everything. It gave us ground zero to work on rebuilding our marriage, gave me what i needed to know to start my healing, and helped him start his recovery journey knowing there were no more secrets or lies.

my husband will ademently lie right to my face, than i will show him evidence, than he will fess up. this has been the cat and mouse games for over 20 years. some days i want a divorce, other days i put my head in the sand. i have been thinking about divorce nearly every day lately. i miss having a partner i can trust, talk to and look forward spending time with. i am angry at him for ruining our potential relationship we could have had over the years. when i first met him i was crazy in love with him. than came porn.............i lost all respect for him, and i don't trust him one drop. i am still young enough to find another partner. I am afraid i will wake up one day too old to start over again, and have only regret, never getting out. i feel like i just need to rip off the band aid, go thru the discomfort of a divorce to finally get free of an addict. but, the other part of me says, no one will be any better and everyone has issues. he is the father of our children and i should not mess up our family by a divorce. i don't have to work and live comfortably, i never have to worry about money; thus, another reason why i have not left yet. but, money cannot keep me company, and i am so lonely i cannot stand it. i don't know if i can ever forget his lying, cheating ways. his porn has made me feel so inadequate as a woman. he also has ED after so many years of porn addiction, we could not have sex even if both of us wanted to. (thats the last thing on my mind with him right now) i have even found viagra in his office. did you feel the lie detector was accurate? did you ever feel you just wanted to throw the towel in and start over with a new person? i don't know if i even love my husband anymore, after all the lying. my dilemma is, do i stay or do i go? there is so much water under the bridge.

After discovery i thought about leaving EVERY single day. It took me that 18 months between catching my husband and the poly to gain the strength I needed to move forward to my own life, either with him or without him. So I decided that i was done letting porn and his addiction be the driver in my life. I told him he had to do the poly and pass it or i was done. After he gave me full disclosure (3 typed pages of crap that he had done, time lined) the poly was pretty easy. Have you had sex of any kind with anyone other then your wife since the day you started dating? Have you told your wife everything in your written disclosure? Have you left anything out of your written disclosure? He passed all questions. Yes i feel the poly was accurate, it was done in an office by a trained polygrapher in a treatment facility that works with sex addicts and their spouses. SO after the passed poly i had other MUSTS if i was going to stay, therapy for him, marriage therapy, he also attended an inpatient treatment program for 3 weeks.12 step meetings. He has been in recovery and sober for almost 4 years. Still attends meetings, has completely changed. He doesnt watch movies with sex scenes, he is attentive, he stays focused, he doesnt lie, he is an open book. My kids see a huge difference. He has become the man that he always wanted to be. I cant tell what to do but you sound like you have made up your mind about leaving your husband. Staying in a marriage with an addict that refuses to get help, stop, etc is causing you more trauma every single day that you stay.

thank you for your response, very helpful, i really appreciate it. my husband has been in and out of treatment many, many times; but never a polygraph. how do you guys deal with computer and internet access on his cell phone, cable TV? My husband has access to computers at work. has been caught using porn at work and has even been reprimanded for it; he still didn't quit. what kind of filters/barriers do you recommend?

Well if you want info on polys send me a pm. If you are concerned that he hasn't been faithful mention the word poly ..his response may be enough to give you insight. When my husband went to treatment I had several conversations with the therapists and they suggested filters (k9 or covenant eyes) saying that open Internet access in the early stages of recovery is not a good idea. My husband still has filters in place he just finds it easier now .but your husband isn't even trying to stop so honestly he will figure out ways around them. We always check movies for the parental rating . If there is too much nudity we skip it. If a quick scene pops up my husband still closes his eyes. Even women scanty dressed or in bikinis ...he just doesn't take any chances anymore. He has worked hard and refuses to let the addiction in at all.