heck ya ...
my husband was dreadful to live with while his addiction was at its worse, porn and online activity....for a few reasons...the shame and guilt was so intense that if he got angry at me and our children then it gave him permission to self medicate (porn) and made it easier to think he deserved it..he deserved to feel good because he was so mad at me and our kids and really anyone is his path. Then he was also really angry when we were in the way of him acting out, for an example if I was out for an evening with friends, our then 6 year old would get out of bed, and interrupt "his" time, he would yell and scream to the point when my then 9 year old would call me...or tell me about it the next morning. his family, friends, work etc was in the way of him getting that next fix. He was also really angry when he was trying to purge after a binge of porn, he would use for days and a few times a day, his moral line was blurred, then he would feel guilty and tell himself to not view for say a week, (dry sober not recovery) and let me tell you that was even worse...he was mean, angry, almost out of control.

Now that he is sober we all see a huge difference and my girls often say "dad is more fun and happy" His anger has diminished and now the emotion is sadness....and we are working on that in marriage therapy too. I see the difference in that now he is in recovery not just sober...


I should also say that some of his anger issues are also a result of childhood issue that he hadn't dealt with until he went to intensive therapy..

Also wanted to add...that now when we look back at situations together in therapy we can both see what was going on at the time (using) and the angry outbursts...it helps to know that he wasnt just a dreadful person...that he was having such an internal battle...if I can step outside of being the wife of an addict for a few seconds ..I see it for what it was...a broken man, trying to do the right thing, not admitting that he had a problem, so afraid of losing his family, and struggling with this addiction that had such a tight hold on him...

I haven't sought out any articles on the use of porn and anger. So, I can't provide you with that information. Maybe a query on the internet in regard to scholarly articles on that particular subject.

What I can say on a personal level, is yes, my H was often angry when he was behaving that way. He was sometimes curt, discourteous, cold, cynical and insensitive. When he addressed his sexual behavior his overall attitudes changed.

Now THAT I can relate to!

variable,

Anger is related to porn addiction in the sense that porn is a way to cope with anger or any other unwanted emotion.

For example, someone has made you angry and instead of addressing the anger, you may wait until you get home to address the anger by watching porn, I did that for decades.

Now, here's the problem, let's say that you indulge, and then you shall be angrier than before because you gave in or it could just be that, as it was with me, I was feeling randy (which is a by product of porn addiction) and it so happens that I was talking on the phone, say with my sister and because, to me, she was going on and on about idiotic stuff (addictive voice talking) I would get cross and frustrated with her. Looking at my watch, giving short answers, etc.

So, yes, anger and addiction are related but not in the way you thought they were. While in the throes of the addictive behavior anger is a by product brought on by guilt and shame. But prior to indulgence anger is the frustration of not being able to indulge when the addictive body/mind wants it.

Think of it as when in addictive mode you revert to bratty behavior. Addiction is an extremely selfish and demanding mindset. But also, porn addiction also brings up unresolved anger issues to the surface and while in recovery, you may want to address any anger issues that will pop up during that time.

You may be feeling better but as time wears on, suitcases of unresolved issues the size of a transatlantic journey will come up for you to address, and they will need your attention, if left unresolved, it may send you back into relapse. Just a warning.

Hope this helps,
Wolf (4 years sober)

I don't think any of you can read anybody else's mind. You may see that someone is angry, but I don't buy all the analysis of why and what was going on deep down. Focus on yourself.

My anger was pretty simple.. If I was in the middle of an addictive behavior and was getting high I did NOT want to be interrupted! Whether the kid interrupted me with whatever.. like GO AWAY, KID!

I didn't do the addictive behaviors because I was angry,, though I do understand that certain sexual patterns can be out of anger. The wifey depriving hubby of sex out of anger. Rape is often out of anger. BDSM often involves subtle anger in sadism and control issues. Anger is different than depression. Depression is sadness, and anger can get into that mix.

Please don't try to tell me what someone else is thinking, or what the ulterior motives are. If hubby yells at the kid then the deeper reasons maybe you really don't know. Maybe you'd like to think it was purely because porn comes with anger, but maybe it's because being a father is a big challenge and he doesn't feel up to it right now and he feels bad about that and the feeling bad about that triggers an urge to use.

People who use addictions to escape reality get angry when confronted with the realities they are trying to escape.

I think Xa that was directed at my comment...
everything I wrote was right from my husbands mouth after therapy for 2 years and intensive therapy rehab...and now coming out through marriage therapy...so there was no mind reading going on, I would rather not be inside his head...

I've had a similar history with anger and pornography. One smilarity between the two behaviors is that neither pornography addicts nor ragaholics are used to denying their momentary urges, and recovery from either requires learning to act against one's immediate impulses.

x shared, "People who use addictions to escape reality get angry when confronted with the realities they are trying to escape."

I have found that to be obvious and consistently true. It has also been my personal experience consistently across the board that until the addict gets some sobriety and counseling they get really angry when confronted with the realities of their current behavior.

I'm not really sure of what they "think" about it, other than, as Candy suggested, my H did get around to sharing what he was really thinking. He suggested that he had known what he was doing was wrong within the confines of our marriage and likely to create more problems than it solved. And, the anxiety that he was attempting to rid himself of only got more and more weighty. He was piling on more and more stress as he went along. And, he had convinced himself through self-deception that he'd be just fine if and when his behavior became evident. He wasn't just fine at all. Quite the contrary. He nearly had a complete nervous breakdown when his behaviors and obvious thought patterns were exposed for others to see and evaluate.

I do know too that when he finally admitted his behavior and got some help, his levels of anxiety substantially increased. I know that he suggested his levels of self-respect increased when he became honest. Today, he is a far more content individual than he has ever been since I've known him. That's a substantial statement since I've know him for more than 35 years. I've lived with him for nearly 34 years. Today, he is amused in a few ways regarding the err of his past thinking. The thought process in others is so obvious to him now. I think that's a good thing.

my husband did extensive work with his therapist about the anger and also attended some workshops on anger...anger is usually the emotion that comes out when dealing with other emotions that you are trying to surpress...like shame,guilt, sadness. etc

As he gets father away from using he is becoming a completely more gentle, compassionate person, he is much calmer within everything from parenting, to driving in traffic...

He says he is "becoming his authentic self" and being the true man, not the man that was living a double life...

the changes are encouraging within our marriage...

My comment about mindreading was not directed at just one person. I see it often enough. It's easier for me to psychoanalyze you, and figure out what you are doing than to address my own issues. That's why the general rule is to 'focus on yourself',, whether a person is an addict, or the spouse of an addict, or the friend of an addict.. each person is better off telling us what their own thinking is than getting into the heads of others. I used to be a great one for 'helping' others, and for focusing on some other person, and that way I didn't address my own issues. one reason for that was that I was brought up to be a 'caretaker' and ignore my own self. Part of my recovery has been to make better boundaries between my self, your self, and others.. my feelings, your feelings, his feelings.. and to get out of codependencies.

Codependencies can hinder real recovery. In couples and in families each person affects the others, the addict affects the spouse, but the spouse also affects the addict, The kids affect each parent, and some are very good at playing both sides against the middle.

Each person in this group is recovering, and each person can discuss their own feelings, shortcomings, needs for their own improvement.
Sometimes even an addict is angry for a good reason, but instead of being able to do the conflict resolution in a healthy way with a healthy partner,, they resort to escapting the situation by using the addiction to feel better,, when they would do better talking to the spouse about what has made them angry and triggered the addiction.

dlansky put it well, " One smilarity between the two behaviors is that neither pornography addicts nor ragaholics are used to denying their momentary urges, and recovery from either requires learning to act against one's immediate impulses. " I have often been angry for good reason, and my background was to lash out, to vent my anger, and I did. My mother's psych told her to repress anger was unhealthy. But coping with anger in healthy ways with the people we're angry at is a social skill that needs to be learned.

I was also taught, by contradiction, that anger is a sin. So, on the one hand my military background made me a fighter, the fundamentalist background made me a sinner. So, I would drink to try to numb the anger, or I would just sit on it,, but that only makes it explode, and if it exploded in a hot sex session then that would seem to solve it.

so true Xa,
its a fine line between co-dependencies within any relationship, that are unhealthy and interdependent attachments that are healthy in recovery...
in my marriage we are learning through marriage therapy to re-develop those healthy interdependent attachments that were broken through the betrayal of my husbands addiction.
Learning to understand that no one is responsible for how I feel, how he feels, but the way we treat each other does cause emotional responses, be it anger,sadness,hurt,resentments.

My husband is military so I find your last statement hit home...he too has said that he was conditioned to be tough, serious, and a fighter...and had no time for any emotion that may make him feel like an emotional man....
that is changing and its refreshing to see...the softer, calmer, more gentle person...

I can tell you from experience watching the changes the farther he gets away from those unhealthy outlets are amazing....he truly is a different person ....

We had a discussion this morning about how his mindset has changed, even after an argument, stress at work, parenting issues, etc he no longer thinks about those unhealthy ways.(porn, MB etc)
to make him feel better...he actually thinks wow I am not thinking about masturbating...he automatically goes within, through prayer, healthy thoughts, or self care.

Variable;
The connection is so evident. It has happened to me with several forms of addiction but more so to a work colleague of mine, a long term porn addict who had a father who got him into it by leaving mags around (he got his son hooked in the 1980s).

This guy I worked with nearly murdered a manager at work and was almost taken away in a straight jacket. I was stunned and now when I think of it , a huge deal of it was connected to his porn addiction.
I'll never forget this guys first words to me as we met in 1996..he asked me what my hobbies were.mine were music and gym training . He replied mine is "'Porn and masturbation"'....couldn't believe his words, he was PROUD of the fact.
It was then that I started to realise the dangers of the altered mind that porn can cause.
He used to tell me "'no problem..it's healthy! the others are missing out on fun and will try and stop you from viewing, they are killjoys"'
This guy ended up on anti-depressants (which calmed his para-sympathetic nerves which were in panic mode). Anti D's will take the edge off the cravings for sex as they work on the same parts of the nervous system that porn excites.
When the para sympathetic system is OVER excited through constant arousal, you lose ALL control of your ability to stay calm, focused, you lose powers of creativity, love, emotion, feeling. The only thing you live for is the NEXT shot of dopamine.
I wish I knew this years ago!!!
You have to realise, your nervous system takes a hammering when you are addicted to porn. You cease to exist in the real world, you become a zombie who is constantly shaking and it can lead to serious mental/anxiety problems.--The old wives tales weren't that far off actually. You view life (and women)weirdly, in a twisted way and a dark cloud hangs over you ..your genitals become a pleasure playground..nothing more than that.

Many things, after this, can cause the anger...as been mentioned already, guilt and shame and realising that we are sinking into a pit of uncontrollable despair that can only be soothed by MORE of the same..the shame of not being able to look others in the face (your family etc). Also we tend to become jealous of others and how they can manage on a steady keel WITHOUT the type of curse we have.
So we tend to take it out on them.
Sometimes we feel that they are getting in the way of OUR need for selfish pleasure!
At the same time, at certain junctions, we want to call out to them for HELP but we can sink so low that we think "'whats the use?"' and continue the path.
This also happened to me as I lived for only MY own pleasure. I lost out out on so much time with my family, my wife and child.
What we forget is..we CHOOSE to obey the demands of this "'curse"'. Nobody is to blame except US, nobody forces us although we are almost led to the practice by some form of demon inside. (which it probably is).
When you are giving up the habit you will find times when you will also get VERY angry....as your neural pathways adjust, heal, you will get periods of severe anger. Try and realise that it's the addiction and NOT anyone outside that is to blame.
This was a big problem for me..i blamed everyone else for the anger.
Don't react to the anger or any other symptom that comes up or else you will feel even more guilty afterwards-- and don't react to the call to misbehave and act out.
Accept the temporary pain and your brain will eventually adjust and heal.
It takes a lot of guts but it becomes easier as we realise what we are dealing with
I hope this all makes sense(?)
Take back control of your life..please--for the sake of your sanity and your family!!
All the best.

Variable; meant to add...
If you allow your brain to recover from the constant state of arousal that we create for ourselves then you will feel calmer by the day...but, now & again, something might spark you off and instead of acting angry you may seek a return to porn to "'sooth the nerves"'

WATCH out for this time..since it will start the whole cycle again and you eventually find yourself back where you started.
This constant "'up & down"' cycle is the thing that sometimes can tire us and make us think "'why bother?"' BUT we must remember, each time we pass through the cycle we gain a bit more knowledge (if we can analyse the path)..but try not to repeat the cycle.
Most of all, I have to stress this because it's what made me most angry with myself and others..DO NOT project blame onto others.
The moment we do this we set ourselves up for self hatred and this manifest into outward anger.
Don't blame others or ourselves, don't even blame porn because it will always be around. It's how we REACT to porn that we must be wary of.
It's just life..the way things are. The only way is to take a deep breath & accept our feelings but NOT to act on them.
The moment we drop blame we are more relaxed and anger melts.
I've said far too much...
Everybody on this site is wonderful and give the most incredible advice based on their experience--- I convey my love to all who help others her.

X: You shared, "dlansky put it well, " One smilarity between the two behaviors is that neither pornography addicts nor ragaholics are used to denying their momentary urges, and recovery from either requires learning to act against one's immediate impulses. " I have often been angry for good reason, and my background was to lash out, to vent my anger, and I did. My mother's psych told her to repress anger was unhealthy. But coping with anger in healthy ways with the people we're angry at is a social skill that needs to be learned."

D seems to always have keen insight. I appreciate his input greatly. I found over a lengthy period of time that what I needed to do most was to honor my immediate feelings sooner and not later. So, it seems that my plight was of the opposite end of the spectrum.

So, my immediate impulse did need some attention. But, in a far different way. I seemed to often do more thinking than acting, where I find now I feel better doing more acting and less thinking. I often made it a rule to sleep on a decision to engage before actual engaging. Most often, I stilll think that's a good thing. But, not always.

I'm feeling these days that, in some situations, that was definitely not good for me in the longhaul. That habit resulted in my often dismissing little things that seemed inconsequential in the overall scheme of things. After discovery, I found that all those little inconsequential things were tiny bits of an iceberg jutting out from a huge chunk of problems. Surprise...surprise? Was a surprise for me.

One of the things I asked my therapist was whether or not he surmised that I was a co-dependent. His answer was "definitely not." So, I don't think that all spouses are co-dependent. I can't surmise that I was a completely, wholely, healthy individual either. I mean, I was never perfect at communication and problem resolution, and, I'm still not. Nor, do I think anyone else I've ever met is either. That's one I'd love to see?

I did have a problem with rage once the curtain was opened to real behavior. Or, maybe the better description is outraged? Dunno for sure. I came to embrace the idea of anger, but not rage. I think anger is an internal mechanism for red flagging immediately needed attention. How that anger energy is used seems to be the crux of the issue for me. I came to honor my anger, as a warning, a flag, a call to action. But, I came to view it's direction, it's impetus as an internal energy for immediate action. On the odd chance that I feel anger now, I think of it as a call to immediate action on behalf of myself.

I took it as a call to action for tending myself, my feelings, my needs, my future. In short, I suppose I became more self oriented than I had ever been before. I gave myself the benefit of the doubt for a change, instead of assigning that benefit outward. I took the path of honoring and addressing my own personal feelings. I think it is a fine balance to acquire. The balance between self-care, and selfish. I don't ever want to become selfish, but I do intend on absolute self care.

Consequently, the relationship between myself and my H changed radically. I didn't sleep on many things very long at all. I came to figure, I have only today to address today, so I did.

However, I do know that today, this different person that has evolved from the storm, would handle it quite differently than I did several years ago. I'm far better equipped to address those kinds of issues now. At the onset, I had a goal. That goal was to search me for all of the tentacles the issue branched around inside of me, and, to assure that all of my feelings were researched and clear. I took the time to do that, understand me and my feelings, set internal unbreachable boundaries and stay true to myself at all costs.

At this time, I feel like I am capable of handling such issues far better than ever. I'm pretty sure that there would be little to express in words at all should I stumble on such like kind discoveries. I think I've already said whatever words I felt were necessary, honest, and honorable. I have felt what I need to feel, and determined what I need to know. So, the only thing left that I can imagine is action, immediate and sure.