Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I need help.
I have been viewing porn since an early teenager. I have always been socially awkward and discovered camgirl sites around the age of 18. It allowed me to appreciate beauty which I didn't think I ever could in real life.
I continued to watch porn excessively (which became worse when I moved to uni and had more privacy). At an estimate I'd say I spent about 3 hours per evening.
I am now 28. After viewing porn so much for years, it has become a habit. I've never viewed behaviours as addictive in the same way that someone may be addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I seem to be unable to shirk this habit. I have at times recognised I am watching too much and tried to reduce, but this only lasts a week or so.
For the last few years I have had a dual-monitor set up on my desktop. This allowed me to have one monitor for entertainment and one for doing something productive. In the last year I've noticed that the 'entertainment monitor' was nearly constantly occupied with cam girls.
I never used to pay for such sites, but as I have become more involved, the idea of purchasing 'tokens' to use on the site became tempting. Once I started and liked the reaction from the models, it became increasingly tempting to buy more.
About a yearyago I quit the site by deleting my account and avoided it completely, only viewing 'normal porn' once or twice a week. My productivity and mental health improved and I entered a new relationship.
The relationship ended after 6 months due to my girlfriend at the time finding porn saved on my computer while bring curious. Rather than learning from that, I instead made a new account on the camgirl site and went back to my old habits.
I started spending my whole evening on the sites, from when I got home to when I went to bed. It became as much of my daily routine as going to the gym, loading the news and eating dinner.
Since January I have been dating an amazing women I met through my housemate. I'd had a crush on her for a while and she was a really positive impact on my life, encouraging me to go for a new job I was too nervous to apply for.
She is moving away back tother home country at some point in the near future so she asked that we keep things 'open' so that neither of us become too invested. I still viewed camgirls most nights out of habit/background entertainment, but it reduced as I spent more and more time with her.
Recently the country went into lockdown and she asked me to spend it with her, which I was thrilled about. I moved my desktop to hers (with one monitor) so I could work from her apartment. Her workstation was set up in her lounge, so she set me up in her bedroom.
The first couple of weeks I had no work so spent it playing games and doing some design works. I wasn't tempted to view any form of porn at all. Then I was asked back to work for two weeks, which gave me structure and filled my days. Then I was furloughed on the Thursday.
I do not know if it was the stress of not knowing my job security, the pressure of being in a new job. But on the Friday, while my partner was in a video call, I went onto a camsite. I hadn't supported one of my models in a while and saw she was online, so sent her some tokens. I knew it was disrespectful and closed the page when I heard my partner get out of her chair.
She picked up that I was behaving suspiciously but didn't know what it was. On the Monday I went on the site again. I don't know what motivated it, because it wasn't for sexual satisfaction. On Tuesday I did it again.
At 6pm on Tuesday my partner leapt onto the bed, before I could close the internet window, and asked me what I was looking at.
I knew what I was doing was wrong. She had welcomed me into her home. Trusted me and cared for me. I had disrespected her in the worst way. And I wasn't man enough to admit it to myself, let alone her, so I tried to lie. I told her it was just a friend from the game. (I did know the model in the game, but that's not why I was on her page)
So she asked me to bring the page back up. It was clearly not. The name of the site made it clear what its purpose was.
She stormed out of the room and said she couldn't believe it. So I told her to ask me about it. She asked me if I ever spent money on the models or had a membership to it. Again, I do not know why I did it, but I lied. She asked me to prove it, so I showed her my account. She's an intelligent woman so quickly saw where to get various bits of information. She not only saw that I had purchased tokens, but that I'd been sending them since Friday.
Again she stormed out of the room and said she couldn't believe anything I said anymore. I don't know why I lied.
All I can think of is that I wasn't ready to own up to myself that I had a problem. I'd been in denial that I have a problem for years. I'd been lying to myself for years. She witnessed me gradually facing up to it, through grilling me, and naturally saw melt story change as I confronted it myself.
By the time I'd accepted how bad my problem is I had used up her patience. She didn't believe a word I said any more, even though I was now telling the complete truth.
She told me to pack my stuff and get out. She has been messaging me about how much I've hurt her. She's equated it to her going out and sleeping with guys behind my back and asked me to reflect on how that would make me feel.
I don't expect her to forgive me. I want to be a better person though. I want to be myself, the guy who used to make her happy, but cut this pathetic addiction out and leave it in the past.
I don't want it to be part of my any more.
If anyone else has been through something similar, please leave some advice on how to stop.
Your addiction has ruined your life, and will destroy you as a man.
It will destroy your level of intimacy with real humans.
IT will destroy your sex.
You sound completely powerless over your addiction.
you need to find a local support group,
start reading about addiction.
Also challenge yourself to 90 days no sex no porn.
Pray that you stay clean and sober today
Learn a new hobby or get really good at a hobby you have.
So don't beat yourself up too much - you're not alone. But *DO* earnestly seek help. Learn from my example - trying to quit on your own, without help, is going to result in another relapse. Find someone you can be open with about what you are going through.
I can completely relate to your point about public persona; it sounds contradictory based on my porn habits, but I do not objectify the women in my life and have more female friends than male. I'm viewed as moral and safe. I think the contrast between the habit and my usual behaviour is what shocked my partner the most.
The fact that being forced to face up to the behaviour triggered such a deceitful and manipulative side of me, a side I did not know I possessed, terrified me.
I have sought out professional help from a local mental health clinic and had an initial assessment over the phone this morning. He is discussing my situation with his senior and is going to get back to me, but his initial assessment supports what I suspected; that I developed this habit as a coping strategy for an underlying depression.
I have been completely open about my situation with one of my closest friends (my housemate) and discussed it in depth with the mutual friend of my partner and I (who initially introduced us).
Acknowledging that I have a problem to them has been a huge weight off my shoulders. I already feel that I've made a big step towards changing my path. I'm under no illusion that relapses are a massive risk and there will be challenges in the future.
But at this very moment I'm repulsed by the idea of pornography because it has cost me so much. I have felt bouts of boredom which I would normally occupy by loading up porn, and have instead forced myself to do something else until it passes.
My partner is still communicating with me. Once I revealed I had sought out professional help her approach shifted from understandable disgust to being supportive. She's said that she didn't mean it when she said she hated me, and if it was truly an addictive behaviour she understands why I would have tried to hide it's severity from myself and others.
I do not know what the future between us holds, but I couldn't be more grateful that she's being understanding.
Here are some good support groups we have found and spoken to specialists there too:
Support: Net Doctor – Porn and Relationships - netdoctor.co.uk COSRT (College of Sexual & Relationship Therapists) - cosrt.org.uk Sexual Advice Association - Helpline: 0207 486 7262 ATSAC – Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity - atsac.co.uk
I'll also say that as part of our anonymous research for the play, we have spoken to many people who consider themselves to have been porn addicts, and they have recovered. There is hope, it is about communication and sharing solutions together.
Find out more http://www.richardchilver.com/news/
How to break out of it? The best place to start is with Prayer. Ask God to heal you from this problem. Ask Him to Forgive you for getting caught up with this. Ask Him to give you direction as to how "Real" relationships with women should be. Ask Him to keep you strong so you don't go back to it when you are bored or frustrated. Ask Him to help you find a support group to help you overcome this. There is a group called Celebrate Recovery that may be a good support for you. A Pastor or counselor can also be a good way to find the help you need. Good luck my Friend! Prayers for your success! You can do this and develop meaningful relationships with women once again! Let God help you in the battle!
Just to give a quick update:
I have now avoided pornography, of all kinds, since Monday 27th April (18 days). I in no way wish to diminish the struggles that anyone is currently going through, but for me personally the quitting was a clean break.
It had cost me the most important thing in my life: my relationship with a truly amazing woman whom I love. It was not a 'choice' to me, but a fresh start.
I appreciate the advice to pursue God, but I am an atheist. I did however read Russel Brand's book: Recovery - Freedom from our Addictions. It covered the 12 steps in a very approachable format which helped me establish why I started the behaviour and how to change my mind to be a better, stronger person.
Part of this involved a CBT exercise where you address issues from your past that you may not have properly resolved. It is about the story of our past we tell ourselves. With every memory re-evaluated with a fresh pair of eyes I feel a burden lifted. The book also encourages you to treat it as 'one day at a time', which is a lot more manageable.
I have been diagnosed with Depression when I sought out professional help, but I am on the low end of the scale and resources are sparse at the moment.
I feel so much more in control of my life. Porn barely enters my thoughts, and when it does it carries no sense of desire. I am just keen to try and rebuild my trust with my lover.
Unfortunately because of all the lies I told her she is still really struggling to trust me about anything, two weeks on. I can tell her something in complete honesty and she replies "I know you're lying" - just to try and call a non-existent bluff to make me reveal more information. I cannot blame her for reacting that way, and am so grateful she is even still talking to me. But I do have genuine fears that we won't be able to get over this.
Basically what I’m getting at is that if your partner really does love you and understands that this is an addiction, and that you are taking the appropriate steps to help better yourself you both will be able to heal together. Best wishes man I really hope things work out for the two of you.
Hold onto her close and appreciate that she is an incredible woman
She is still very hurt by what has happened, and mostly feels disrespected that my adoration of her wasn't strong enough to overrule the addiction drive.
I tried to explain that this addiction has had over a decade to get a hold of me, and has never been challenged or out into perspective until the night she confronted me.
Our relationship has been somewhat complicated from the beginning; we both entered into it not wanting anything serious and gradually got closer over the past few months. I have asked for exclusivity a number of times which she's always refused (though she is not dating anybody else).
She explained yesterday that the reason she's refused is because she noticed I tell frequent white lies. This has only been about small things, but it's the principle. She wants a relationship to have a strong foundation of openness and full honesty and she didn't feel we'd reached that yet. When the pornography situation happened, it shattered that completely.
I realised that white lies became an instinctive reaction to me during a 3 year emotionally abusive relationship (gaslighting, public confrontations, questioning every decision I made). I got into the habit of just saying whatever would be least likely to result in conflict. I thought I had recovered from that relationship (18 months ago), but evidently I haven't.
I am grateful that all this has happened to make me realise I need some psychological help to address my issues, I just really wish it could have happened in a way that didn't hurt her.
She hasn't fully shut me out of her life. She's been ridiculously patient and understanding. We discussed our relationship and her concerns for three hours, and parted on good terms.
She has said she doesn't know what the future holds, but has asked that next time I reach out to her that I am in a position where I will tell her no more white lies and am ready to be fully honest about every aspect of my life. That will create a strong foundation where we can be friends, and then we can move on from there.
Our relationship only lasted 5 months, but it has been the most supportive and healthy relationship I've ever had. She still plans to move back to her home country in the near future, so she's been very honest about how unlikely it is for her to pursue any relationship with anyone until she returns home. But I would still very much like to regain her trust, because she has been one of the most positive impacts in my entire life
Oftentimes we don't see addiction/compulsion as a problem until it becomes one which is usually when a partner finds out. We lie, deceive, try to cover it up. Eventually the truth comes out.
I watched porn for a total of about 23 years. At first I saw it as exciting because I was 7. As a teenager I used it because I was single, had raging hormones, and didn't know how to talk to girls or be social. As an adult I felt entitled because I was of legal age to view it. Essentially I developed a relationship with porn. And even though I had real life relationships, porn was still there. I am married and porn was still there. My wife has discovered my porn habit on more than one occasion but this last time was the final straw. It comes down to porn or my wife.
I have been porn free going on 3 weeks. My wife and I have spoken to a counselor, I am seeking an counselor who deals with addiction, and I have this group.
If we want to change then we have to actively make that decision and work towards it. One thing that I learned from my counselor is that I ask myself what to I have to gain by watching porn? I gain nothing of real substance, at best arousal and masturbating.
Now I ask myself what to I have to lose by watching porn? My first answer was that I will lose my wife if I continue to watch porn.
I hope you are able to find something that will help you move past porn and be the person that you want to be.