Does your wife know??? If not, now would be a good time to sit down with her and talk to her about her struggles. She needs to know what has been going on and you need to learn to be transparent about it in order to succeed.
You probably will need some help with this so reach out to programs with a good success rate, like a 12 step program or recoverynation.com.
You will need to re-boot your brain chemistry which means no porn or mastb. for at least 90 days. To better understand why, please refer to this website for clarity and more help in your journey
www.yourbrainonporn.com

Shanas1254 has a very good point! would be awesome to have support!! You can do it!!!

I am 50 days clean, with no relapse or temptation to get back to my old life. Doing this without SAA or telling my wife or going to a therapist.

If you have not told your wife yet, think twice because what you tell cannot be untold. You personal recovery is difficult enough and you do not want to open this to your wife who will be shocked, stunned and most probably will need therapy herself.

Again, I am a Type A personality that does not like to lose, once I set my mind to get out of this lifestyle - I AM OUT.

My goal is to hit the 90 day mark with no relapse or temptation and then think about next steps.

Again, the recovery support will be different for different people, so you have to first have a deep and honest conversation with yourself and God (if you are believer), then whatever you decide is the right thing to do to get clean - think a hundred times and then do it.

Good luck - we started this on our own and we can end it on your own. If you cannot, thats when you need SAA/help etc. For me, online journals has been enough of an outlet to get things of my mind.

Believe,

i find it very interesting that you say you are a believer yet you have neglected to inform your wife of your struggles. No matter, your wife does know something is up with you but she can't put her finger on it. Women are not dumb and that you think you have managed to get away with it, it is a huge and incredibly arrogant mistake.

I personally think that lack of transparency is very damaging to your recovery but most important the tenets of recovery demands us to live a transparent and honest life with everyone around us, does it not? How do you reconcile that with what you have done so far?

Furthermore keeping this nugget will come and bite you at a later date, no matter though lies of this magnitude have a way of getting uncovered in the most embarrassing ways, and the damage will be so much greater because not only will your wife feel horribly betrayed but she will feel even worse knowing you kept this from her the entire time, her only consolation will be that her suspicions will be justified, little else.

St Paul did say very specifically in fact that God will not be mocked. I am not saying it to be flippant but it is a well known fact that the more we try to hide something, the faster it gets out.

It is true that everyone recovers differently yet recovering while not being totally ransparent in one's life with those closest to us, rarely if ever works out because addiction lives off our lies and as long as we choose to lie the rest of our lives, that will be just one more stronghold the addiction will have over us. In a nutshell, saying that you recovered while all the while you have been lying to your wife is a huge lie in itself as a result you have also been lying to yourself. Result: the addiction wins yet again but only you do not see it because you are too busy trying to cover your tracks, so to speak.

Wolf

Thanks Wolfie!!! It is so important for addicts to understand the importance of letting go of the secrecy. Addiction thrives in secrecy, but recedes in the light of day.
More importantly, you are right about the spouse knowing something is wrong. Coming forward and sharing the struggle is actually letting go of a huge burden for the addict so they can clearly focus on recovery.
I hope the poster understands better the value in transparency. Again, thanks!