was not that way with me.

I never really found that to be true for myself, either. When I craved a new higher, a bigger neurochemical "hit", I introduced new behaviors into the mix. Maybe these new behaviors were a little bit riskier or crossed some kind of line, or maybe they were just an expansion of something I was already doing. But I never was able to increase the high by going behind my partner's back when I acted out. It just didn't work that was with me. Never did.

I read this one out to h just now, as i was interested in the answer. It was a No for him! In fact being married, and constantly feeling like things were out of control or chaotic, only gave him more angst, not euphoria.
The shame after not being able to stop the urge of acting out, was something he does not miss. He said that while in the 'fog' or in the SA zone, the consequences where not thought of until after the act was over, his thinking would be so impaired during this time that the marriage committment could be justified or minimised to justify his behaviours.
So for him personally, no, the thrill of the danger was not his particular thrill.

Me neither. I think the consequenses are higher, but I agree with Trina's H. One of the issues with SA is a lack of ability to be intimate. This includes a narcasistics of actually not considering my spouse when my acting out ritual starts up. The post acting out remorse and shame was higher because I immidately began being very concerned about how my acting out is so unfair to my wife. But that feeling is not really possible while the rituals are in process.

I think this question you ask is coming from your concern that it is about you. How you affected his acting out. The answer is this;

"It is not about you!" And how painful that is to face, it is true.

It was this way with my H. It was because he was always expected to be the "good boy" all of his life, and so when he was exposed to pornography by a friend at a young age--too young to handle the sexual scenes and images--he felt a high off of the sexual feelings, along with the rebellion. He felt that his mother would not love and accept him if she knew, and therefore associated the arousal with shame and therefore labeled himself a bad person. He liked that bad boy feeling, because he liked the sexual feelings and the fact that he could rebel against his mothers tight chain. I don't know if I am wording this right, but he basically trained himself to keep secrets, and so he will tell you that in his case, it was part of the thrill to have a double life and not to get caught, but only during the fantasizing and acting out. Afterwords, in our marriage, he felt very guilty, and especially because he knew I loved him, and he didn't have to keep secrets from me. It's hard for me to not be mad at his mother sometimes for putting so much pressure on him to be perfect, and not being a real loving influence in his life. She still isn't. She thinks it's my fault that he was a sex addict. The fact is, she didn't teach him that sex was good in certain situations, and God designed us to enjoy sex in a committed marital relationship. It was all shameful. He couldn't even bring girls home.
I don't know if anyone else can relate to this or not, but Lorilou brought up the fact that my H may have been emotionally incested, and through therapy we have discovered that was true. So in his case, yes, I became the new woman in his life to keep secrets from, only this time, he felt worse after acting out. I have caught him every time in one way or another in the past, and all it did was give him a bigger challenge of finding a better way of not getting caught. He got very good at it, but in the end he couldn't be around me without me sensing something was wrong. My intuition and my love for him overruled the deception and lies.
Now, he can't keep anything a secret from me. He told my therapist last night that I am the only person that he feels he can tell everything to and be himself around. I don't think I could ever have a better compliment.
I really do think that this behavior can be eliminted when they realize they can be loved and accepted for who they are. It's tough as a spouse to get beyond our own pain to love them, but in his case, I was the only one in his life that did.

It is a relief to know that, according to your responses, it doesn't seem to be that way for most. I think there was some anger and maybe mis-guided assumptions coming out of the question. Frustration boils over at times when i start thinking our 15 year marriage was all a big plot to get a buzz. Sounds cynical doesn't it. i don't usually fall into cynicism... but at times it's there.

I have a list of 35 or so things that I admire about my wife. I know I am the infidel in the situation, but she has a list as well, though she refuses to ever share any part of it with me. ;-(

My point is that I understand that sexuality is a core, emoitonal place in a marriage, it is not every facite in marriage. there are things about your husband that you have, do and always will admire and respect.

Make a list, and when your the most discouraged, and angry, use the list to center yourself on the true man you fell in love with. He is in there someplace underneith all the complexity and swirls of the addict.

But of course NEVER share any of these positive things you think of him, with him. It would be very distructive to him to say anything positive to him. He doesn't deserve it, and it will go to his head.

Good luck and God bless.

But of course NEVER share any of these positive things you think of him, with him. It would be very distructive to him to say anything positive to him. He doesn't deserve it, and it will go to his head.


.....everyone knows I was being sarcastic in this last paragraph.... right?

Thanks for clarifying your sarcasm in that last response! i wasn't entirely sure myself...:)

I like the list idea...and I started my letter to him with it. i also read on this site somewhere to keep a picture of h as a toddler in pocket to remember the innocence that once was and is still a part of him. We have a picture of him up as a 5 year old in a grouping of old family photos. I still go back to it at times when I lose my focus on who he is inside. I think he has been an addict since he was 8 years old, when he found his parents stash (actually it was just kept out on the coffee table...the 70s were different times). So that makes me especially cherish that photo of the five year old him. I haven't told him any of this part about going and looking at that photo of him and why i do. Do you think I should?

I have a beautiful whimsical picture of my wife when she was 5 which is actually a pretty rare find. It is the only one in existance and there are fascinating stories about how it survived almost years of war, when a 5 karat diamond did not.

Anyway, I would actually not let him know the picture or the list is going on for a while. I think it is more for you than him. Your attitude, your gentleness, your compassion are what it is about. You will change your response to him as a result of these habits, you can share one thing with him here and there when it is appropriate, but I have never seen my wife's .list, but I know she looks at it every once in a while, because she changes.

It is more sincere to quietly change how you look at him than it is to tell him you plans to change. Thats all I am saying. The point is to remember how much you respect and charish his true self. If you do those things, they willl show up in your character. That is what counts.

Thanks for that advice Choose. I think you're right on the picture thing... in that it only needs to be for me right now. It really helps me differentiate in a powerful way between the two people i am dealing with here. The addict who takes over and the self behind the addiction. When I keep that forefront in mind, the frustration and anger melts away and i feel like I can make clearer choices/responses.

That was never the case for me. "Getting away with something" wasn't the high. Doing something different or with someone different was the high for me. My acting out was just as stronger when i was single, than it was when i was in a relationship, because i had more time and freedom to explore more opportunities. Getting caought was always a fear that i feel kept me more in check, than an exciting challenge.

Thanks for your input notby. I'm glad to hear it wasn't the case for you either...this idea that came up really made me feel used and angry (well, I feel that way for a lot of other reasons too, but this thought just escalated it). I'm still not 100% sure it isn't the case for my h, but with each response like yours, it feels like chances are he would respond the same as you.

EmTheo,

Are you in a place where you could ask him?

" Do you do these things because hoping to get away with it makes it more exciting"?

Not sure if that would be helpful, just asking where you are?

I probably could...depending upon the moment I may or may not get a real answer from him. I'll think about it...