Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
To start off honestly, my spouse is a porn addict and this is my own personal documentation of what its like to be on the other end of things. This is my first time ever doing something like this but I thought it would be beneficial and therapeutic to myself if I start writing about my feelings and experiences. I am in no way shape or form a writer, so bare with me here. I will start off by explaining who I am, who he is, and a little bit of history about the two of us.
My name is Steff and I am 25 years old. My spouse is 26 and his name is Jake. I am originally from a small town and moved to the city last year in February to gain some life experience and meet new people. He was born and raised here. We met on an online dating website.
There is a few things you should know about him before I continue on. Jake is a type 1 diabetic and has been since he was 15. I also believe he has Aspergers, a mild form of Autism, though this has not been proven. He's done some online tests, with results stating he is high risk and talked to his therapist about it, but no doctor as of yet. He's also been struggling with a porn addiction since he was 14 years old.
Our official "anniversary" is March 28th, so this past Monday marked a year and a half for us. Sometimes I can't even believe we've made it this far because of the things that we have both went through, but it also brings us closer together knowing we have made it past everything that has happened, like we are unbreakable.
A year and a half may not seem like a very long time for a young couple, but here is a list of some of the things that we have encountered.
After 5 months of going out, I got pregnant and lost the child. During the time I was pregnant, I found out he was secretly talking to an old female friend and had developed a crush on her and would hang out with her behind my back. Once I found out, it stopped and he no longer contacted her. A month after that, I found nude pictures he had sent himself of his ex girlfriend (who really broke his heart, and at that point in our relationship, I'm sure he still loved her), and he promised to delete them. We broke up for a few days and got back together. Fast forward to 10 months of dating, January of this year, and I found out he had a secret e-mail and was spending thousands of dollars on cam girls (this problem he had had for over 2 years) and had actually kept those pictures of his ex girlfriend stored on it. We broke up for another week and I let him come back.
By this time, I knew he had an addiction and we made a plan together that he would not look at it anymore so he installed a "safe browser" on his phone so he could no longer access porn. This did not help with his problem because on Feb 13th, we were at a party and I walked into the kitchen to refill my drink and he was kissing another girl. We had sex about 15 minutes before hand... This lead to us breaking up for almost 4 months.
In that 4 months, he started seeing a therapist for his anger, his porn addiction, depression, and all other issues he had built up. I saw a lot of progress with him which is why I decided to get back together with him.
So now it is September, he has moved in with me and things are much better then before, other then the fact that our sex life is suffering. He has told me that sex does not feel good to him, and it hasn't for years. Oral sex is good, and generally that is how he gets off. He rarely orgasms from sex, and if he does, it takes a good hour or longer. He talked to his therapist about this issue and her response was "Some men don't get off from sex. Its natural. Porn is natural. Unless it affects your sex life, then there is no problem." All he got from that conversation is that his habit is normal. He has not taken any steps further to get better. He truly believes he doesn't have a problem.
So I've been doing my research and I found yourbrainonporn.com (which is also how I found this forum) and I truly think he has a problem. He lies to me about his porn use. He sneaks it in when I'm not around or when I'm sleeping. If he masturbates, he has no desire to sleep with me or even fool around and then I get left out. Personally, I need sex in a relationship to feel the bond. I haven't been getting the connection I need and I'm starting to get depressed. He says he wants to just satisfy me, but if we do get to having sex, he rushes me to orgasm so he doesn't have to continue. He doesn't have a problem giving me oral or complain.
I am in no way shape or form trying to make him seem like a bad person. He's a great person. He has completely changed all of his negativity around since everything bad happened between us, but the porn is a huge issue with us and he wont seek help... I'm at my breaking point...
This is day 1 of my documentation. Any comments or support is greatly appreciated.
My name is Steff and I am 25 years old. My spouse is 26 and his name is Jake. I am originally from a small town and moved to the city last year in February to gain some life experience and meet new people. He was born and raised here. We met on an online dating website.
There is a few things you should know about him before I continue on. Jake is a type 1 diabetic and has been since he was 15. I also believe he has Aspergers, a mild form of Autism, though this has not been proven. He's done some online tests, with results stating he is high risk and talked to his therapist about it, but no doctor as of yet. He's also been struggling with a porn addiction since he was 14 years old.
Our official "anniversary" is March 28th, so this past Monday marked a year and a half for us. Sometimes I can't even believe we've made it this far because of the things that we have both went through, but it also brings us closer together knowing we have made it past everything that has happened, like we are unbreakable.
A year and a half may not seem like a very long time for a young couple, but here is a list of some of the things that we have encountered.
After 5 months of going out, I got pregnant and lost the child. During the time I was pregnant, I found out he was secretly talking to an old female friend and had developed a crush on her and would hang out with her behind my back. Once I found out, it stopped and he no longer contacted her. A month after that, I found nude pictures he had sent himself of his ex girlfriend (who really broke his heart, and at that point in our relationship, I'm sure he still loved her), and he promised to delete them. We broke up for a few days and got back together. Fast forward to 10 months of dating, January of this year, and I found out he had a secret e-mail and was spending thousands of dollars on cam girls (this problem he had had for over 2 years) and had actually kept those pictures of his ex girlfriend stored on it. We broke up for another week and I let him come back.
By this time, I knew he had an addiction and we made a plan together that he would not look at it anymore so he installed a "safe browser" on his phone so he could no longer access porn. This did not help with his problem because on Feb 13th, we were at a party and I walked into the kitchen to refill my drink and he was kissing another girl. We had sex about 15 minutes before hand... This lead to us breaking up for almost 4 months.
In that 4 months, he started seeing a therapist for his anger, his porn addiction, depression, and all other issues he had built up. I saw a lot of progress with him which is why I decided to get back together with him.
So now it is September, he has moved in with me and things are much better then before, other then the fact that our sex life is suffering. He has told me that sex does not feel good to him, and it hasn't for years. Oral sex is good, and generally that is how he gets off. He rarely orgasms from sex, and if he does, it takes a good hour or longer. He talked to his therapist about this issue and her response was "Some men don't get off from sex. Its natural. Porn is natural. Unless it affects your sex life, then there is no problem." All he got from that conversation is that his habit is normal. He has not taken any steps further to get better. He truly believes he doesn't have a problem.
So I've been doing my research and I found yourbrainonporn.com (which is also how I found this forum) and I truly think he has a problem. He lies to me about his porn use. He sneaks it in when I'm not around or when I'm sleeping. If he masturbates, he has no desire to sleep with me or even fool around and then I get left out. Personally, I need sex in a relationship to feel the bond. I haven't been getting the connection I need and I'm starting to get depressed. He says he wants to just satisfy me, but if we do get to having sex, he rushes me to orgasm so he doesn't have to continue. He doesn't have a problem giving me oral or complain.
I am in no way shape or form trying to make him seem like a bad person. He's a great person. He has completely changed all of his negativity around since everything bad happened between us, but the porn is a huge issue with us and he wont seek help... I'm at my breaking point...
This is day 1 of my documentation. Any comments or support is greatly appreciated.
Yes, it definitely sounds like he has an addiction and the fact that you believe he may have a spectrum disorder isn't uncommon either. In fact, many people use this addiction as a coping skill and many of these people may have an underlying, undiagnosed spectrum disorder, ADD, ADHD, OCD, depression, anxiety, etc.
Of course, he is not a bad person. Addiction is an illness and does not define a person's character.
The question is, what can you do about this? As a spouse, my personal advice to you would be to sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Think about some boundaries you would like to impose with consequences you can stick with. He needs to know that while he tries to keep this a secret, it is no longer a secret and he must make a decision about what he truly wants because there isn't a spouse alive who will accept both their husband and his addiction.
You can offer to show him the website you mentioned so he can see how porn has impacted his brain chemistry.
Again, you are not alone here and while he may resist recovery right now, you have the option to get yourself help so you can make an informed decision.
In my extremely long vent, I forgot to mention that I have been bringing this up. In fact, last night I tried to talk to him about it, and got him to read some testimonials of other men who have had the same issues, and all he did was nit pick about their grammar and writing style, and thought nothing about the actual information he was reading.
I knows I know he has a problem. Right now, he is in complete denial... Its very tough, so I'm so happy I found a safe place to talk about it with others going through the same thing. Thank you for taking the time to read...
Last night, we talked about it. Not a lot, but he acknowledge how this was affecting me and we decided to make a plan together. The process of quitting this addiction is very hard and stressful and I desperately want him to finish his Masters, which is the end of December.
In the mean time, he has deleted all of the saved images and videos on his phone, and plans to only MO, not PMO. He wants to see if he really has a problem. This was his doing, and not me forcing him or giving him an ultimatum so I am happy with this.
This is progress. So today is DAY 1 of him starting to cut it down. Lets see how it goes.
Also, you can both get involved in recovery through
recoverynation.com
We haven't been intimate for a week now and we went to bed with no physical contact. Upon looking at his search history, I found he used porn 20 minutes before I got home from work.
There goes day 1... I feel hopeless.
Sounds to me that your spouse is an addict, and isnt willing to stop...sadly that is where it stops for many....now its up to you to do what you need to do to make yourself safe because his actions are causing you great trauma. Trauma for spouses of this addiction have been compared to rape victims, and PTSD so its very serious that you take control for your own healing at this point. If he is not willing to get help, sounds to me, even attempt to stop, then what can you do to make your life safe?
If he is willing to get help and is serious, then give him a chance, but you need to see him really work a program and for him to get sober which takes at least 90 days.
I really feel your frustation. Hang in there!
These self-help groups are member formed and run. In them you will learn how to cope effectively with your own feelings and urges to control, how to be an ally with your partner who struggles, and how to have strong boundaries so that you are not repeatedly victimized by someone else's behavior. You have received some good feedback. I wish you luck as you continue to gain the experience you were looking for!
Im going to lean towards the idea that he knows he can pretty much get away with whatever he wants to with you. You will take him back eventually, so, he's going to keep doing what he wants to do at the time and not worry about the consequences. He can always just blame it on being an addict and get off the hook.
Doing online surveys and private research doesn't solve anything. It's plain to see by your initial post that he is taking advantage of your trusting nature and will continue to do so for as long as your with him.
You seem like a nice person and should probably just end it while your still young enough to start over. This may not be the advice you WANT to hear but it's definately what you need to hear. You sound like too much of a good person for me to lie to and sugar coat. Good luck to you Steph.
He will keep seeing other women. You will find more evidence of this as time goes on. If you refuse to leave him you will just have to deal with the fact that your not the only one he's going to be with sexually and learn to live with it.