Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
My husband is addicted to sex/porn and I don't know what to do anymore. I will try to make this short. We met in 1980, married in 1986, had a son in 1987 and divorced in 1991 (he cheated on me), reconciled in 1994 and have been together since. In that time, he always loved sex to the point where he expected it practically every day. He always looked at magazines and masturbated to them (in private but I saw it happening without his knowledge) and occasionally we would watch porn together. Now he's on the internet constantly on a few sites where he downloads pictures of women spread eagle and men with large penises. Every time he does, I delete them and then he asks me why I delete them!
He's obsessed with penis size and is constantly telling me that he knows he doesn't satisfy me and that I want someone with a bigger penis. There is nothing wrong with him size wise as far as I'm concerned and I'm constantly telling him that but he can't seem to accept that. I have NEVER, EVER said anything or given him the impression that I wasn't satisfied with him.
Unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling him that while we were divorced, I did meet two men with whom I had sex with and one of them was a bit large. That was a lie and now I've been paying dearly for it for the last 15 years! I just didn't want him to think that after our divorce there was no man in my life and I just sat home every night while he married the bimbo he cheated on me with and had a life. So I made up that lie. When I didn't feel like having sex - and this was becoming more frequent now because I just couldn't take the BS anymore, he would start with the comments of my "supposed past" and the verbal and mental abuse would start. I have since told him that the two men I supposedly had sex with was a lie - that I just made it up but he doesn't believe me. We haven't been getting along lately and the last few months I haven't been feeling well so sex was out of the picture. I never wanted to go anywhere with him or do anything with him. He always went alone. I finally went to the doctor and got my health straightened out and I'm on the mend but a few nights ago, he admitted that he cheated on me. His excuse was "I got tired of the situation of you always saying NO to sex and I got tired of being alone so I did something about it. All I can say is I'm sorry."
He also keeps asking me why I delete the pictures he downloads. I told him that what he's doing in not normal and he needs to get help. He thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong at all. What do I do now? I can't take this anymore!!!
He's obsessed with penis size and is constantly telling me that he knows he doesn't satisfy me and that I want someone with a bigger penis. There is nothing wrong with him size wise as far as I'm concerned and I'm constantly telling him that but he can't seem to accept that. I have NEVER, EVER said anything or given him the impression that I wasn't satisfied with him.
Unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling him that while we were divorced, I did meet two men with whom I had sex with and one of them was a bit large. That was a lie and now I've been paying dearly for it for the last 15 years! I just didn't want him to think that after our divorce there was no man in my life and I just sat home every night while he married the bimbo he cheated on me with and had a life. So I made up that lie. When I didn't feel like having sex - and this was becoming more frequent now because I just couldn't take the BS anymore, he would start with the comments of my "supposed past" and the verbal and mental abuse would start. I have since told him that the two men I supposedly had sex with was a lie - that I just made it up but he doesn't believe me. We haven't been getting along lately and the last few months I haven't been feeling well so sex was out of the picture. I never wanted to go anywhere with him or do anything with him. He always went alone. I finally went to the doctor and got my health straightened out and I'm on the mend but a few nights ago, he admitted that he cheated on me. His excuse was "I got tired of the situation of you always saying NO to sex and I got tired of being alone so I did something about it. All I can say is I'm sorry."
He also keeps asking me why I delete the pictures he downloads. I told him that what he's doing in not normal and he needs to get help. He thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong at all. What do I do now? I can't take this anymore!!!
From what you've posted, I'd guess your husband is probably a sex addict. Without help, his behaviors will eventually begin to escalate. He may begin to use prostitutes or go to massage parlors. Or he may begin to frequent the topless and/or nude bars. Since porn is a big deal to him, his choice of images may grow more frightening or bizarre. For example, he may develop a fondness to sexual violence and/or rape images, or it may go another way into kiddie porn. There is really no way to predict how this thing will go. He needs help, but as long as he believes he has no problem, it will be next to impossible to get him into therapy or treatment. There is, however, one thing you might want to try.
Your relationship with your husband is a balancing act. If one of you or the other changes that balance, the whole relationship will change. What I am going to suggest is that you get into counseling for yourself, and find out why you are still attracted to this man? What is it about you that allows this man to continue to embarrass and humiliate you? Why do you continue to put up with it? Why are you so obsessed with controlling and/or eliminating his porn collection?
As you work on yourself and your issues in therapy, you will begin to grow, change, and evolve. That will change the balance in your relationship, and your husband will be forced to respond. He will basically have two (2) choices. He can begin to grow and change along with you (which means he'll be getting into recovery), or he will leave the relationship. Oh, he may continue his current behaviors for a bit, but eventually, he will have to make onne choice or the other. I should warn you, there's no way of knowing which way he'll go. So there is a very real chance that he'll leave you. But I know of no other way to "force his hand" and get him to agree to get some help. It's a risk, a 50/50 shot. The question is, is this risk worth it to you? What is your sanity and peace of mind worth? That's my two cents worth. I hope it's of some help.
Charlie0217
I am just so hurt and humiliated and I feel betrayed - again. It's not like I didn't know either. It's my fault too and now I will do something about it. One step at a time , , , one day at a a time.
If you are going to get into counseling, it might help to do a little bit of reading on codependency (the issue you'll be dealing wiith) before you see the therapist. There are a TON of EXCELLENT books out there today on codpendency, but I'd like to suggest a couple of true classics for your consideration:
* Beattie, Melody, "Codependent No More".
* Bradshaw, John, "Bradshaw On: The Family"
* Fossum, Merle A. and Marilyn J. Mason, "Facing Shame: Families in Recovery".
* Peck, M. Scott, "The Road Less Traveled"
* Schaef, Anne Wilson, "Co-Dependence: Misunderstood-Mistreated".
* Wegschneider-Cruse, Sharon, "Choicemaking".
That's a half dozen books to get you started. You should be able to find some, if not all of these books at your local library or bookstore, or they may be ordered from AMAZON.COM. Another place you might want to check for these books is a place called Hazelden. They are located in Minnesota, and specialize in alcohol and drug rehab. They also deal with eating disorders and codependency. They publishing are carries thousands of recovery books on every subject imaginable. You can find them on the web at: www.recoverysuperstore.com.
That's all I've got for now, so I'll close. Take care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Peace, joy, love, and most of all, HOPE!!
Charlie0217
I just wanted to confirm Charli0217. He is right on the money with his replies. I am a recovering addict myself, and what charlie has said, is true. I have lived it.
Your post describes the behavior of lots of addicts. His insecurity, which may be the root of the problem, has nothing to do with you, Sex just gives us some type of wierd reassurance that we are worthy. Trust me when i tell you it is nothing that you have done or said, that makes him act out. He will do it, rather he is in a relationship with you, or any other woman. Sex Addiction is his problem, and commonly Addicts tend to migrate toward those who will support there addiction in some way. Codependency etc. The material Charli sugested will help you understand it more.
Your husband living in denial is very common, but very dangerous for him also.
I always suggest the book " Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. I read this book at the beginning of my recovery, and it honestly scared me straight. I saw myself all in this book, and i was terrified of what i was becoming, and really had not even realized it before reading it. If anyone will read this book and be honest with themselves about it, if they have a problem, they will want help.
Good luck to you, and may God bless you.
K.
Thank you K for your thoughts as well. I appreciate your perspective and learned more about this type of addiction. I have learned not to blame myself for his insecurities. I am hurt beyond words at what he did and will never forgive him but I will work on myself and move on with my life.
At least I can come here for support, guidance and comfort and I thank you all for that.
I just want to make sure there's no misunderstanding here. The books I suggested are FOR YOU, NOT FOR HIM. You're the one who'd getting into counseling, and these books might make the process a little bit easier for you. I just wanted to make sure you understood me.
Charlie0217
I did make a copy of the list of books you recommended and have it with me. I want to see what the therapist says first before I spend the money on the books.
Again, I thank you for your thoughts and recommendations. I will work hard to better myself and understand why I put up with it for so long. I'm so glad that I'm a member here because I learn something new every day!
Everyone here is great!!!