I have to add that I've always considered myself strong. I've been sexually abused, mentally abused, verbally abused, physically abused, and basically neglected. Yet, I live on even stronger. However, this issue has broken me to the core. I learned to trust him again after the first two times. I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong to make him turn to porn time and time again. I wouldn't snoop. Didn't want to know.

I am holding a grudge, a mean spiteful one. He has gotten on his knees this time begging me not to leave him, and it didn't affect me as it should.

I have a broken heart

I am sorry you are dealing with this...it is good for you to come forward and stop hiding no matter how embarrassing...your numbness to his pleas means you are at rock botttom...and time to do something different..

the people here and at support groups and therapist know this is becoming more common...lots of us out there...most still in hiding...but it is a sign of maturity and health to see a problem and reach out for help..the shame keeps SAs and their spouses in hiding where the addiciton thrives and progresses....as it did when you discovered it before and tried to address it in secret...it just allows it to continue...

I know it is easy for us spouse to think we can help or keep them form acting out by being sexy and participating in the porn....it is a huge mistake..I made it too so I am not shaming you...only trying to reduce your shame by lketting you know your feelings and actions are normal and you don't have to be ashamed......Our participation does nothing to keep them but brings us down into shame with them...

Educate yourself...learn about how this is not about you...was there before you got married....you are good enough...you didn't cause it and can't cure it...and it is not your shame ot carry....we are not responsible for the sexual behavior of another...we are responsible for our behavior, sexual and in response to their behavior.....so take responsibility for you and learn how to keep yourself safe in thought and action in your own life and with your H......

Seek out supportive loving people who will not judge or shame you, whcih you may not be able to find in your friends or family...some of them may be dealing with this and not know it or be ashamed to admit it as you are.....and some are just incapable of being loving and supportive because of their own issues......

for me that is especially true of my own family...but then they are the ones who fostered the environment I grew up in and helped make me the way I am contributing to my being married to an SA...so why would they be supportive in any way? They weren't...and neither are his family...afterall if they admit there is a problem they might have to look at themselves and take some blame and that would be painful so they stay in denial as it is easier.......they have not hit rock bottom like you and me who have found denial to be more painful than seeking help.

Your H is responsible for his recovery and getting therapy....I am surprised they allowed you to schedule it for him...it usually does not work unless they want therapy......

I know you are strong...that is how you have gotten this far...like most of us spouses here we have been the strong ones holding things together...most of us our whole lives as we were raised in abusive homes where we had to be strong and responsible.....unfortuantely it is those old coping devices which allowed us to survive childhood which now hinder us in being adults in realtionships.....

whether or not the abuse was from alcoholism, subtle or overt, the alanon pathway to recovery book is useful in giving us clarity as to the insanity we grew up in, how it is not our fault, and how we can be healed from it and have happy sane lives if we learn new coping methods and beliefs about ourselves...

time to be strong in a different way...instead of just having to be strong enough to take the abuse of others....

ps women, sex and addicton and hope after betrayal are also helpful books....for us to understand ourselves and the addict, how common this addiction is now, how our responses are natural and common to most of us, how society is oblivious to and encourages SA and how it rages all around us, and how harmful our responses are to us and the SA, how hard it is to admit we have problems since we often grew up having to hide things or that we are not perfect as fear not being loved, and how we can be healed whether or not our spouses or marriages recover.

I wish you luck...and keep coming back here for support from people who understand what you are dealing with, and applaud you for it rather than shame you becasue we know how hard it was for you to reach out...as it was for us...the phone meetings for sanon are good for that too!

thank you so much for the replies. I did get us some books a couple weeks ago. One is a how to forgive book for myself, 'The proper caring and feeding of husbands" by Dr laura....., and a sex addict workbook the hubby's been working on

H said he's do anything and everything to help us. He agreed to counseling after I mentioned it in the fit of my rage. We plan on after him having some sessions that I'd be incorporated into them as well, as we definitely do need marriage therapy help now.

I don't think I realized that I myself had hit rock bottom, but that's exactly it. I told him I was done. I don't know what I can do to help us. I felt like a housewife who also worked outside the home, childcare provider, mom's taxi service, and a wife who just talked the wall. Now this.

THose are great books I will be checking into, and a great, supportive discussion group for the spouses. It is comfortable, yet so sad at the same time to realize I'm not the only one...theres are millions fo us dealing with this.

I never meant to put him to shame over this. I said a repeated number of times I know it's considered to be normal to a certain extent for guys to be interested in looking at porn. I just didn't want it in my face, to stumble upon it, or to affect us. I just didn't want to know. THe only way I found out about this last time was because I was "chasing" a virus down in our computer (did get it btw).

I'm going to show him this very resourceful forum to let him know he's not alone. Maybe he will join as well. I would like for him to actually.

Hi 2songbirds and welcome to the forum.

I can't add much to what has already been added. I do have some concern about Dr. Laura's book. I gave it to my wife before we started recovery, as a kind of half joke. Since recovery, I had to apologize for giving her that book. I have not read it but she did tell me about the message which is to become subservient to women. Our therapist pointed out that it is very dis-empowering to women as well. Perhaps she will pop in here and give you her two cents.

Another book you might want to consider is "My Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Margaret Means. It is an excellent resource for healing spouses. Also, consider Jennifer Schneider's "Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness." It will give you a greater sense of hope.

Again, welcome to the board and good luck.

soberone

Dr Laura's book was good on some aspects. Made me see issues from the males perspective. However, I also felt like it wanted me to cave into my husband. It kind of worked both ways. Tomorrow I'm going to look up all the books recommended. I did schedule H appt for early next week. Wish I could go too, but no babysitter...On the other hand, H may not feel comfortable confessing everything in front of me just yet. I'm still having trouble understanding everything.

I just thought we were way past this. He gave it up/got over it...whatever. I trusted him yet again. Yet, he lied to me, didn't appologize until I confronted him how he didn't, and didn't even really talk about it. He said he was taking everything in that I was saying (24hrs worth).

I told him last time, couple yrs ago that IF he started looking at porn again, to come to me. Let me know. Don't let me find out. I wouldn't be nearly as mad as now. And, this past incident happened a little over 2 weeks ago

Hi and welcome love. Nope no criticism here, just support. I too have been through this as well. Its not easy, and it is absolutely not your fault.
One of my personal favourite books as a spouse has been
"MENDING A SHATTERED HEART....A guide for partners of sex addicts"
By Stefanie Carnes Ph.d

It is easy to understand, especially when first learning about SA, and has some very good info just for you and how your feeling, not just him, because you and your feelings are valid too.

In the meantime i have some previous posts from some of my books that i have written up in the spouses sub group, that will provide some helpful reading for you at this time.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spouse-of-sexaholics/discussions/messages/8503268

You have overcome much adversity in your life thus far, so i know you are a survivor...........your strength will see you through this.

I would be concerned about this "One is a how to forgive book for myself" I think that to try and forgive a person who is actively deceptive and hurtful is a huge error. I had to really look at the differences in enabling continuing bad behavior, and forgiving when the behavior has stopped. I've come to the conclusion that if there is ever any forgiveness to be offered, I can only offer it, if I choose to do so, after the behavior is stopped. I feel that if it hasn't stopped, then I'm only enabling more of the same behavior.

well, as for the how to forgive book, it's more directed towards forgiving..yet again...I, or shall I say we thought this behavior was done and over with. It took time, but I did forgive him twice before. This time however, I don't have it in me to do so, and I need guidance. He swore the first time it would stop, and it did for a couple years. The second time, he reacted even more scared and caused me to believe that it would NEVER happen again. I let my guards down eventually, and haven't even snooped for over 4 years. Not snooping was part of me trusting him again.

I'm just not sure how, or if I can forgive him for this.

What hurts me the most is knowing he was looking at this *@#$ after I left for work (2nd shift), while he was supposed to be watching, caring for and playing with our 3 lil klds. AND, left ALL the housework, bills, playdates, dr appts, etc up to me In the meantime while he was watching porn pics and videos, and having me talk to a wall (him)

So, I need some guidance on how to forgive once I know this behavior has stopped. If I can't forgive, then it's over. As of now, we are dead.

The best I've heard it said is that forgiveness is not letting the other person out of prison - its letting ourselves out. Forgiveness does not in any way equal trust, as forgiveness is a gift but trust must be earned.

Dr. Laura - I liked some of her points. I think in a healthy relationship her book would be a light-hearted read. But if I remember correctly, her book does have a disclaimer that states it does not apply to relationships dealing with addictions.

I would also recommend Out of the Shadows -- an in-depth look at the road this addiction can take, and Don't Call It Love, though if I remember right, it covers a lot of the same basic information as Shadows. Trina is the most well-read of our group, so I would be likely to trust her opinions on books for the spouses to read. However, I did appreciate "Every Marriage Restored" by Stoeker and someone else. Heads up, though, the authors are Christian.

It sounds like you have a solid head on your shoulders. The best thing I've learned at this point in your relationship is to go with your gut. Its usually right, and when its not, its better to be safe than sorry. =)

Feel free to visit the spouses board or message some of the wives. There's great healing to be found here. And we definitely hope to see your husband around.

2song: I'm so sorry. I understand how you feel. I've been through this before too. My relationship with my H has been for nearly thirty years. And I've faced this within this marriage, in progressively worse findings, three times before.

I was able to forgive, and restore my feelings before as well. So, I do know what you mean. I "never" snooped...hadn't in all that time....most recently for seventeen years. I did this time though for a while...because I wanted to see all I could find...and I did. I saw what I wanted to see. I don't snoop any more.

But, no one has access to the computer at home without my password. And as D said, I instilled a lot of sexual boundaries. And a lot of communication boundaries. A lot of broadscoped boundaries for any interaction he has with me at all. And, I'm not silent about my feelings any more either. I think that does help.

As with you, this most recent time broke me to the core too. I held a grudge too...for a really long time, even though as you said, my H has pleaded for me to let it go once again. And that pleading doesn't affect me as it should either. And, my psych said just as you...a broken heart. It really didn't entirely break it before...just cracks...but it did this time for me. So, I understand what you're feeling. You're not alone.

As Cali said, Trina has lots of info that may be a lot of help. She has read a lot of information and is willing to share what was helpful for her.

thank you. That's the one thing that I learned from my past is that forgiveness lets go of the anger. That's what I did with my H. Once I forgave him for lying to me first, then for looking at porn, we worked towards trust. I knew that I had to forgive him so that I didn't become bitter. It was hard, and took a long time.

The forgiveness book is called "How can I forgive you?" the courage to forgive, and the freedom not to...by Janis abrahms spring, phd with Micheal Spring. In this book, on pg 125 there is a part that I really liked

"Healing, like love, flourishes in the context of a caring relationship. I would go as far to say that we can't love alone, and we can't forgive alone."

The Dr Laura's book def doesn't pertain to us right now, but I thought it's a good insight for understanding the man's perspective of issues.

We talked more last night while I was reading some stuff to him on this. Especially on another thread which Trina quoted from a book the 6 stages towards healing I think. When I read those to him, it really hit him. He understood more that how I had reacted in the past, and am currently reacting isn't just me.

I think he's too afraid to get near the computer at this time, altho I'd really like to see him on here.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to be installing the filters as mentioned, and figure out how to put a password on the computer so he can't access it without me being here.

I have the program Snitch, but only tells you what was looked at after the fact. I installed it 6 1/2 yrs ago, but lost it when the computer crashed due to viruses (lost the password needed to reinstall it, and didn't have firewall or anything on computer at that time...silly me). But, I recently reinstalled it, and it's plainly visible for a reminder to H

When the computer crashed about 2 yrs ago, somehow H configured the files "wrong". I recently found out there's no internet temp folders, no index.dat file...Guess he thought there'd be no proof of his activity. Anyways, I found some suspicious cookies on our firewall log when I was looking for a virus on the computer (from those times he forgot to shut down firewall while porn surfing). He said he had no idea how they got on there, were remnents...blah blah. Well, I then bought and downloaded a recover my files program from bestbuy. WOW.....it really finds a lot of stuff on the hard drive. I looked at some, what I needed to confront to him.

Anyways, things are changing. I will not enable this behavior to continue blindedly. And, yes, I have been speaking my mind and feelings to him. I know they hurt him, I said a lot of meanful things, but that's how I feel. And wow, it actually feels good doing so. Just part of the healing...

Tuesday can't come soon enough. That's his first therapy session. I will try to get H on here tmrw once I change the "format" of the computer

Yeah, maybe it would be helpful to you both if he did. I came to this site mostly because I needed to talk about my feelings, they are just so deeply hurtful and confusing, that I needed to talk to someone....or in this case...someones. And they have been so very helpful, both SAs and SOs. I know they will be there for you too. Some have actually recovered their lives and their marriages.

But, I tend to retreat from both the pain and the source of the pain. I always tended to keep the emotions to myself for the most part...as long as I could anyway...just before the explosion occurs in outrage. I've read that it's a good thing to talk about what you really feel. So, I do. I hope that is helpful for you too.

Just a lil' update.

I told H before I went into work (2nd shift) this past saturday that I had been seriously thinking about divorce during the last couple weeks. I wrote him down some questions that I needed honest answers to...like if he ever did live video chat, dial a porn, etc. I really needed to talk. When I got home that night, he was fast asleep. I then went on the computer and "dug" into it. I freaked out on him. I was more hurt that it seemed to me my pain didn't matter that much to him that he'd set his alarm, or make a pot of coffee, etc to try to be up to talk.

Monday, I was getting ready for work when he got home. He said he wanted to talk to me about some things that might bring some light to our situation. Just said he'd talk to me after I got home....Once again, he was sleeping that night. Some reason, it didn't phase me like saturday night. But, once unleashed, my emotions took hold and went wild. I know I said meanful things, he saw how bad my anger really was. We were up till 6am that night, first fighting, then talking until then he had to leave for work

He had his first therapy session on tuesday, after our long night of fighting. He's almost relieved to know he's not the only one, and is happy he's on the way to recovery. The therapist had an addiction too and actually specializes in sex addction, esp porn.

He told me he needs to do this for me, that he needs to fight for me

I thanked him knowing that he chose me over his indulgences, but I know it's a long road, and will be a life long battle

I think he's too scared right now to get anywhere near the computer, esp when I'm not home. Hopefully get him on here friday as I told him how comforting this forum has been to me

I'm glad you found someone who has the right experience to help. Here where I live, I really found no one who knows how to help me. There are no groups...and the counselor, not really helpful at all. I can say though that the counselor was able to help my H. Maybe he's more attuned to addiction than with the end of one betrayed. I think that is much more difficult to address. So, I can tell you that I know there is hope for the SA. You're moving in the right direction.