Go to your counselor and learn to love yourself. Beating yourself up, hating yourself, makes it worse. If you know what you've done is wrong and you're taking steps to correct it, don't feed the addiction by making yourself feel like s**t over it. The addiction loves it when you feel like cr*p because then you turn to the addiction to make yourself feel better... which lasts... not very long before you plunge into shame again... and it all starts again. You also might want to look at the Recovery Nation site. It helped my ex H enormously.

All the best.

Willaim,

Sometimes, what you describe here is what some would call hitting bottom. I'm glad you recognize you indeed have problem and the toll it has taken on your life.

As Charli would tell you, who also has great recovery resources, it's not as easy to simply stop looking and it''s over. Addiction to porn takes a while to acquire and it simply escalates as you sadly discovered. But just as it took its time to develop, it will also take some time recovering from it. Willpower alone will not do it, you need a recovery program to learn again how to function as a healthy individual in life affirming ways.

What you can do right now is to minimize the guilt and the shame because those emotions and other negative emotions can or will get you to indulge again and thus restarting the cycle all over again.

Other things you can do for now is to install a filter in your computer (K-9 Web Coat is often recommended) and have someone else set up the parameters, so even if you are tempted, you won't be able to indulge.

You can purge anything pornographic on your computer that you may have saved. You can find a recovery program that suits you and start your recovery from addiction.

As for the immediate actions, you can start by stopping the self hate and commend yourself for realizing you have a problem and you are going to take steps to correct the situation. In other words, look for the positive aspect, even though it may be hard, of your addiction because anything negative will undue any progress, you may acquire.

As you start your recovery program, you will be required to abstain from masturbation as such behavior is part of the addiction ritual. Thus, it would be a good idea to find other pastimes and look for ways to address the triggers that may propel you to relapse. This is very important since by abstaining, you'll be pretty much like a bear with terrible case of a flea infestation.

You may need an accountability partner because without it, it may be far more difficult to abstain since you won't have anyone to discuss a possible surge to indulge and address it with your accountability partner instead of relapsing.

Also important is to start looking at yourself as someone who has never seen porn. This is important because if you continue to berate yourself and seeing and thinking of yourself in demeaning ways, you'll never get out of that pit.

When an urge hits you, sit with it, surrender, let it flow through you, don't fight it but don't indulge either, What I am saying is this, feel it and ask yourself what is it you really need at the moment. Call your accountability partner and discuss it.

Lastly, do not use words like "can't", "unable" "too hard" or even "I'll never". You can and you will, we have been there and some of us have been able to lead productive lives, even after decades of porn addiction. You are just as able as we are. You are not alone.

In short, welcome to our group and I wish you well,
Wolf



Charli has more on this issue of recovery resources.

Things were better today. Thanks for all the advice. I still have terrible anxiety bouts and depression issues. I know I have an addictave behavior as I am allways hooked on something. First it was alcohol, but I finally kicked that well over 10 years ago. them it was cigarettes. I quit that to but the gum became my crutch. Then when my relaionship went south I got back on chewing tobacco(can't stand the smell of smoke anymore.) It's like I'm self destructive. There is no reason for it but I do it anyway. Anyhow I am scheduled to meet with the couseler this Wednesday. I feel like if I can get through the next couple of weeks I have a good chance. I never looked forward to anything more in my whole life. She comes recomended and has a a lot of experience in couseling on this particular subject. Speaking of subject. I have been doing a lot of reading on this subject and watched a few lectures on how the brain is affected by it. What I do not understand (what with all the evidence) is why this is not officicialy listed as an addiction. It shows every symptom that most other addictions have but is not treated the same way. What is all the fuss Docs. Millions of people can't be wrong...right?

Have you ever tried counseling? I have and it was beneficial..I am thinking of trying it again....if you don't mind me asking how did you lose your job?

I go to Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous. I go every week,a nd some weeks even that is not enough & I know I should go to more meetings!! Find one in your area. If there is not one, contact SLAA, get the big book - it's about $20 and look up the chapter on how to start a group.

I, too, lost a job because of porn addiction. Clearly you are not in control of your obsessive/compulsive behavior.

I also urge you to find a counselor that is experienced with sex/porn addiction, because they can help you a lot. Sometimes you don't have a chance to get current and talk about your problems at an SLAA meeting, and a counselor can really help you in that regard.

Hang in there - stay sober!!

Peace...

I could have easily written the words you wrote. For me it has been 10 years addiction, on and off. You are not losing the battle. It is so up and down. I know exactly how it is to want so much not to look and then find yourself look again.
I feel sad when I recognize that I too have spent so much time with this addiction and struggled to stop because it has always left me feeling empty and sad.
You are definitely not alone, and I think the best advice is to give yourself self-empathy, love yourself even with your addiction. It is hard to stop and you are trying, and I am inspired to keep going because you have shared your story.
I am two and half weeks sober. I've started a goal on this site to be free of internet porn, and that's been helping. Good luck with the counselor I think that's a great step.