First off, I'd like to say that I never thought I would be doing this. I'm not the kind of person to be spewing my story out online to a bunch of strangers; to even ask people I don't know for help. This terrifies me, in fact I'm shaking as I type this. I haven't told anyone at all about my problems involving excessive masturbation and porn. My colsest friend doesn't know, niether does my counselor or family. I've always planned on keeping this dirty secret to myself until I resolved it, and then never speak of it. But that isn't working. I'm losing to my growing addictions and it's tearing me apart. 

   I was very young when I began to masturbate by wiggling my bottom. This habit formed because of sexually oriented abuses that were occuring since I can remember. I was able to bring that abuse to an end when I was fourteen. That was also the year I got my own room. The masturbation slowed some for that time, maybe only once a day or four times a week.I don't remember. A couple years later, my sister's husband began to molest me. This went on for some time. Things didn't go well after I told her of it, and I ended up having to spend the night at that house after I told her about what had happened; I felt betrayed. The way it all happened, it drove me to self-harm. I was able to overcome that, but I still masterbated a lot to cope with the negative emotions and stress.

   After that, I settled to living with my father in his studio apartment. I knew he watched porn, but I never had at that point. It made me uncomfortable, but he never watched it while I was there and I knew he'd never hurt me. Eventually, I ended up seeing the titles of some of the things he had left pulled up by accident. At least three were father, step-daughter. It made me panic. It destroyed my sense of security and made me flee back to my mom's where I currently live with my other sister (not the one previously mentioned) and brother. I hated porn, it had destroyed my relationship with my father. But, why did he like it? What was it really? Why were people so drawn to it and why did they allow it to control their lives? That's when it started. I stumbled on a site and had to see what the deal was. It started as just animations; and that was fine 'since it wasn't real people'. This is a new addiction, only about two years old now, but it's strong and destryoing my life. I don't know how I got here, but now I'll spend hours indulging and it's sick. I really, really indulged a could of days ago and then had a nightmare that showed me just how out of control this is getting. I'm sorry this post is so long, I just really, really needed to get this out there and have some feedback. I am so scared of losing myself totally to this.