Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Recently I looked through pages and pages of topics over the last year, and I may be off, but there were lots of topics that my handle was the last post on.
Here is how I feel about that. Rejected. or Arrogant or helpful.
Let me explain. and give everyone here permission to be honest in helping me through this one.
If I am so vigorous in my arguments that you all are just giving up and going on to other topics when I post, then that is not good.
If I am so insightful that people got "Aha moments" from my posts, that would be good, but probabaly folowed up with a comment indicatint their breakthrough. (Maybe I should read through some of these last posts, and see how many "glad I was helpful to you there are compared to "My point is this" posts.)
I also know that in my Dr. Jeckle , things are usually pretty insightful, compassionate and helpful to others here. In my Mr. Hide place, if you are not for oral sex, your evil. No wait I am the evil one....sorry.
Anyway, I am just open for insight into the last post thingie. Please be honest. "To tell you the truth, I could use a good ass kicking" - My cousin Vinnie.
Here is how I feel about that. Rejected. or Arrogant or helpful.
Let me explain. and give everyone here permission to be honest in helping me through this one.
If I am so vigorous in my arguments that you all are just giving up and going on to other topics when I post, then that is not good.
If I am so insightful that people got "Aha moments" from my posts, that would be good, but probabaly folowed up with a comment indicatint their breakthrough. (Maybe I should read through some of these last posts, and see how many "glad I was helpful to you there are compared to "My point is this" posts.)
I also know that in my Dr. Jeckle , things are usually pretty insightful, compassionate and helpful to others here. In my Mr. Hide place, if you are not for oral sex, your evil. No wait I am the evil one....sorry.
Anyway, I am just open for insight into the last post thingie. Please be honest. "To tell you the truth, I could use a good ass kicking" - My cousin Vinnie.
Someone answered in the thread that she has a physical sexual appitite to "get it on" about once a month, but is very willing and enjoys the closeness she gets from being sexual more often than that, even though the physical drive is not where it starts.
All this is generalities, and some women are visual, some men have less appitite. but......
This is compliant with the notion that men are sexually aroused visually, and women are aroused by touch.
So, you do not really want sex physically until AFTER foreplay starts. So it is not unreasonable to do one of two things here;
1. Assume that because you are not aroused before hand that you do not want, or would not enjoy sex. So you can easily neglect that #1 priority need of your husband, because it is #243 on your list.
2. Plan on being sexual at a reasonable interval openly and explicitely with your husband. make a contract if you will. And then within the bounds of that agreement, get more out of sex than you are now. ( So far I have yet to find a woman who is willing to give up her sexual control to a contract like this, all of the men in my sa group that read this, none of our wives were.)
But their are benefits to the women. It was an epiphany to realize that my constant pestering my wife for sex made her feel LESS desired not more. I assumed that because I desired her sexually all the time, that would make her feel desireable. She said it made her feel like "not enough" when we did have sex, and then I wanted it again the next day, she felt like she was not satisfying me because she was not desrable,. or sexy enough. None of this is true or even crossed my mind.
But I agreed with myself not to initate except on every 3rd day. This allows for non-sexual touch and flirting to not be an attempt for sex, and she can enjoy it without feeling like I am pestering her.
Sometimes I ask for more, when the kids are away at relatives, or when I travel and am only home on the weekends, then 2 or 3 straight sex days when I am home are seperated by 4 or 5 non-sex days of travel.
Another benefit for guys is that they can relax because they know when it is going to happen next time. It is very uncomfortable to have an indefinite, open ended calendar for men. Women tend to have no problem with this, but the tempo can be more balanced if we know it will happen in the next few days instead of wondering.
So all that seems pretty normal to me. Lots of healthy people come up with systems like this naturally, sex addicts have no chance of doing this in a reasonable way. So we probably need a model to practice with conciously until we feel what normal is.
Statistically I have the impression that normal looks like this.
Married couples normally have sex 2-3 times a week in their 30-40 and into their early 50s, then it slows to once a week. But this is a magical thing between a man and a woman. And if they both are committed to each others needs in this situtation, a warm, satisfying, mutually contented balance will emerge based on THEM and noone else. One guy I know described a benge/relax tempo where they go for about 3 weeks, then have a week long sex-fest that he is very satisfied with. (probably based on her cycle which he has learned to accept and enjoy) My point is there are 2 billion marraiges in the world and maybe 2 of them do this the exact same way. It is all about communicating your needs.
On the other hand, unhealthy is this; Lots of disfunctional marriages go for years without sex. It is broken!
The only biblical excuse for abstinance is for prayer and fasting. The longest fast in the bible is 40 days. This 40 days of sexual abstinance seems like the limit to me, but the bible just says "as agreed for a (specific amount of) time." And then come back together.
Theraputic tribal knowlkedge says 90 days to dry out from the chemestry. This seems reasonable, becasue I think habits die in 100 days not 30 like most say. I think 40 days of "hell" concious effort, johnsing, fighting the urges, conciously fighting will break a habit followed by 60 more days of the same standard as "pergatory" mostly to convice yourself that you have changed, to begin to accept that the ahbit has lost its power. So based on this I would be OK with 90-100 days of abstinance if it was agreed upon.
So, I am not advicating that you be sexual with your husband before your ready, but I am suggesting that if you are not doing the work to get ready, then your marriage is probably going to suffer.
I am growing, and I know it because I find myself in situations where sex is available to me and consideration for my wife in those situations is beginning to be important, and I am also sensing that other things besides an orgasm are providing sexual gratification to me, like snuggling. Though I am not minimizing the importants of orgasms to men, I am discuvering that my addict only had access to a tricle of sexuality, helathy whole sexuality is a flood.
How do we get there? Communicate, love, sacrifice, set boundaries, ultimately work hard on ourselves so that we are a good gift to those around us.
thats my story and im sticking to it.
It really come down to "to each their own". By my own definition, bible thumpers, are those that feel the need to associate EVERYTHING with religion somehow or another. Keep in mind that being a veteran i fully support yours and anyones elses' right to free speech and religion, so i'm not questioning that. Also, even tho it may seem like i'm insulting you, i'm not, as i don't call you a bible thumper to insult you.
Guess i just see god differently than some others lol I am a catholic, but the only time you'll see me in a church is when the wife tells me i have to go lol being a combat veteran i learned that the big guy is with you even when the rounds are comin' downrange, so i see no need to get all dressed up (which i HATE) just to go to a certain building (church) to sit with a bunch of what i would call about 65% are hypocrites lol meaning the same people that break more than half of the commandments are the same people who go to church every sunday acting all good and holy lol
So the only thing that i was trying to say in an earlier post by calling you a bible thumper is that almost seemed that you were piling on and reference so much scripture that i thiink you almost hid the point of the conversation
I agree with your 65% hypocrite thing. Except I think the stats are more like 90% (benign in most situatoins) but very painful to see. Jesus spent about 1/3 of his time intimately with his desciples and close friends, 1/3 with ragamufins, prostitues and other broken people, and 1/3 harassing the Pharacies for being hipocrits.
My goal in recover regarding church is to stop being a hipocrit. That means taknig the risk of being judged by being open and honest about my story in hopes that I can pour the freedom of recovery i.e. repentance into a few hearts "of the still hurting man".
BTW, loosing the point in all my scripture quotes is not a function of the Bible being wrong, it is a function of me being verbose.