Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Most recently I went 3 weeks before an incident, then anther 4 weeks before yet another incident.
Its gotten so bad I had locked up all my devices, but when I got a bad urge I went to the store and bought a brand new tablet with no lock to view porn. Its that bad.
The worst part is I've gotten into new things like camgirls. I feel so bad (always afterwards when its too late) asking these girls to do these things. Especially seeing that many of them appear to be from developing countries and desperate for money, and Im just using them selfishly. I've probably spent around $2000 over the last couple of years on cam girls. So now this addiction is hurting my wallet.
I hate how porn has made me view sex. I remember being a teenager and daydreaming about sex. It was always romantic, alot of kissing, slow, intimate face to face positions, etc. Now after years of porn all my fantasies of sex are about selfishly using my partner, usually in a rough manner. I hate this.
I really, really do hate that porn exists.
Im so deep in porn, Im absolutely scared I can never break free. The problem is I know of dozens and dozens of girls in porn who I like - and at any given moment I can get an urge to view them again. I know dozens of sites to find new girls to watch, and these are very addicting to browse. Reddit has hundreds of subs for almost any kind of sexual fetish you might have. Porn is like having an alcohol addiction, yet you can have hundreds of different flavors of alchol available to you instantly after a few clicks on the mouse. This is how powerful the temptation is.
How am I suppose to defeat this? Ive been watching for over 20 years. Im 35 now. I've lost hundreds and hundreds of hours of my life to porn addiction.
I so desperately want this to end. I've tried to quit dozens of times. I've always failed.
Don't listen to the lies. Keep fighting. If this is a change you want to see in yourself, and it sounds like it is, you can make it happen. You need the right tools to fight it. Reaching out here and engaging with others who are fighting is a great step. It has been helpful for me.
I totally understand what you mean about trying and failing to stop in the past. I completely understand what you said around the gradual change in your fantasies / ideations of what sex is like over time.
I've been reading "Every Man's Battle" which I have found to be really helpful as well. I've replaced my time seeking out porn in the morning with reading a chapter a day. It is very grounded in a Christian worldview; I'm not sure how it would come across if you aren't a believer, but I'd probably recommend just trying to read it with an open mind anyway. Read it under the premise "what if" this is true... or choose to focus on the chemical / dopamine receptors side of the discussion and filter out the rest. But to me it seems like a helpful manual. If nothing else it will get you thinking.
I'm three weeks 'clean' from porn as of today but still haven't 'won'. I don't feel any lure towards porn but I feel like there are still lustful thoughts in my heart, and so there is work to be done still.
For a long time I think I used the knowledge that this was going to be a tough fight, and that I will always be tempted, and might stumble again in the future, as an excuse to stumble again. "If I'm going to stumble some day anyway - may as well be now, and then I'll get back to the fight".
For me -- not this time. This time has to be different. The struggle will continue, but now the mindset is opposite.
"If I'm going to win some day, one of those days must have been the last - may as well be April 25". Others have won - I can do it too.
As the previous comment said, you are not alone. Most if not all of us here are going through or have gone through similar situations. It's not something that easy. I myself was watching porn for about 20 years total, and never thinking it was a problem.
When getting engaged the signs and red flags were there. My addiction was manifesting itself in making impulsive purchases of sex toys. My fiance (now wife) would find out, we'd argue and I'd make a promise to stop making these purchases and be more open. It works for a while but sooner or later the cycle would continue. I would've never made the connection of impulsive spending to porn.
It's important to be able to talk about these things, to have a support group to open up to. I always viewed porn as a secretive act, and with that it became secretive towards my wife. That leads towards deception and lying. In the end she found out, and it led to an even bigger rift. My wife has trusted me and I betrayed it, she's looking for security and I haven't offered it.
Being active in the group is a positive step going towards recovery. However, I believe more help and research will be needed. My wife and I have seen a counselor, it was recommended that I find one who deals with addiction. If you're not ready for a counselor or therapist yet, there is a book called The Porn Trap that both my wife and I are reading. I find it gives clarity to the damage that a porn addiction can do and know that it's not just affecting you alone.