Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Hello, I don't really feel comfortable saying my name so just call me Ethan I guess. I'm 17 and my first encounter with porn was at age 11. I was put into homeschool in the 5th grade, on a computer with the world at my fingertips eventually curiosity got the better of me. At first it was just looking a couple times when I was like huh neat and stopped. Come a year and a half later and the changes started happening. I suddenly realized what all of those dirty jokes meant some of which included masturbation, and again curiousity got the better of me and I tried it, and j liked it. Eventually porn got back into the mix and I would do it sometimes 8 times a day at the age of 13, this went on for two years until my mom inevitably found out and I stopped, for a while. I got my phone and yet again curiousity got the better of me and I have continued my crippling addiction sense. I found faith in God (all respects to other beliefs) but I find it hard to come to a god when I feel like I'm spitting in his face every step of the way. I feel guilty about my addiction and in that don't ask for help, not asking for help leads to loneliness which leads to the need for love which leads back to the ol hub. The truth is it's not even about the sex anymore, I simply just miss the feeling of intimacy, I love the feeling and having all of my issues go away. But I hate myself afterwards, I've even thought about therapy but how do you tell your parents you've been a porn addict since 13. I've tried quitting so many times and I've gotten to the point where it is really bad again, where I can feel withdrawal/cravings whatever you want to call it, within half a day. And I just really, really need some help.
I'm eighteen now, and I started at ten. Like you, it was curiosity that got me. I looked up something I shouldn't have with my brand-new internet access (on the family computer, so yikes there) then kept going back for more. It got worse and worse, progressing from pictures to videos to porn games and beyond. My mom found out once because I didn't know about that thing where if you look something up enough it goes into the shortcut bar on a new tab. That was a horrible day. I lied to her a lot during that conversation, and she believed most of it. So I got stealthier. I've always felt like a dirt bag for it, but I never stopped. I've been raised in Christianity, but I never really started to feel the guilt and conviction until I was about fourteen. I still don't know how I can walk into church every Sunday knowing what I've done. I'm about a month clean now, but that doesn't stop the urges. I tried to find help a few times via the internet, but I've never told anyone who knows me beyond an avatar. It's crippling to keep something like this to yourself because of how bad it hurts and how hard it can be to hide it. I really don't know why I watch porn. I suppose you could say it's because I was touched when I was younger, but to be honest, I didn't even recognize it as a malicious action until years later. It's never really bothered me, which is kind of odd, but I'm grateful for that. You could also say it's because of my issues with women. I've lived in a house full of them for my entire life and I've been scarred in many ways because of it. Watching porn makes me feel disgusting, and women do as well. Kind of like how people with daddy issues can develop a thing for older men I guess. I really don't know why I do what I do, I just know that it makes me feel like a depraved sicko. I've been given so many new ways to keep this secret, from the computer to a tablet a shared with my little sister (thank God I figured out how to search on incognito mode) to my phone and to privacy browsers. Having the ability to make sure nobody can see what I do has only made me worse. Some days I get hit hard with desires that make me wish I was dead. Some days I sit and look at the app store, thirsting for something I know will ruin my streak. I don't know if it gets easier because I've never made it that far. I just know that right now, I feel pain. Pain because I'm afraid of going back again and pain because I haven't. I'm with you man. We're on this ride together. Sorry this was so long, but I hope at least some of it helps.