Alexis,

You will find great support here. Both those who are addicted and those who are victims of the happenings that occur because of addictions come here for support. And though I don't relate to you, there are others on here that do and they can provide amazing advice.

You're not alone here.

Just wanted to extend a welcoming hand. If you would like insight behind the mind of an addict, I can be of greater service there along with the others on this forum in the same boat.

Stay strong

Alexis,
First welcome to the forum. It is a great place for support, a place to vent and a place to find some much needed help.
You are not the crazy one. Trust me, and I am sure you will be old that over and over on here.
I hope you find the comfort you need.

Alexis,

I am so sorry that you have been affected by this addiction. There is no room for porn in a marriage. You have every right to be in a marriage that is based on respect and honesty. There are different degrees of sex addiction and it is a progressive addiction. It may start off with masturbation , then porn , then to more and more acting out. Its time to lay it on the line. Tell him exactly what you expect, what you deserve. Set some very concrete boundaries, no internet access, filters, passcodes, etc. He will need help, this addiction is next to impossible to beat on his own, but you aren't responsible for him. He will need to see a therapist, CSAT, and perhaps attend 12 step to get support from others that know exactly how hard this is. A 90 day reboot to rewire his brain is imperative. Get him to look at the site yourbrainonporn.com ...it tells the damage caused by porn.
You are not alone, I too am a spouse of a recovery sex addict....

I am also the spouse of an addict.

It IS difficult to share your pain and concerns, because it's very counter-cultural to speak up on how these behaviours affect us. There is an expectation that men should "indulge"--what that can look like in a marriage is ignored, and wives are deflected or gaslighted.

Please prepare yourself before speaking to him. You will likely receive blame, or be deflected with "It's personal, ok????? Leave me alone!"

This link has some quickie comebacks:http://oneangrygirl.net/antiporn.html

Your feelings are quite natural. I mean, who gets married expecting that their mate does not give up the idea of lusting in regard to others? Isn't that the gist of marriage, forsaking all others? You suggested that your H lies about what he does. I know my H did too. I know without much strenuous thought that he lied about it because he knew it was wrong to be doing that. It wasn't as if he expected that behavior to be ok in the marriage. He knew that my discovering it would be a bad thing in the marriage. So, he lied to attempt keeping me attached to the idea of marriage, but to free himself from the confines of marriage. Unfortunately, for him, that didn't quite work. I did find his secret behavior. And, he was right, it did negatively affect my feelings in regard to him and the marriage.

My H hid his remorse about the affect on the marriage too. He acted as if it was no big deal. I think that for him, that might have been true. But, it wasn't true for me. And, since he doesn't get to feel for me, the marriage was and is negatively affected. I let him know the truth of my feelings about that behavior. And then, in our case, it came down to a line in the sand. I let him know that I was unwilling to remain in a one-sided marriage. At that point, I feel like he was offered a choice, that, or the marriage, but not both. I couldn't make his choices for him. He had to do that. And, it was necessary for him to decide what was most important to him. It became my responsibility to decide what I would do if he truly felt that "that" was more important to him than the marriage.

Is he aware that you know he's lying? Is he aware that he is choosing to destroy the marriage? Is he aware that he is making that choice? Once he is aware, the choices are his to make. And, once you are aware that he his making his choices, then the remaining choices are yours.

My brain wouldn't let it go either. My brain was informing me of damage in the making. And, my brain was spurring me to take action to protect myself from harm. I think that pulling away is a natural response. I know that if I get too near a heat that can damage my body, my body pulls away. And, I know that if I get too near an emotional heat, my emotions pull me away too. I don't think of that as unnatural at all.

You feel what you feel. And, is both your right and responsibility to take care of yourself. Your husband's behavior is damaging to you. So, it is both necessary and responsible to let him know that he is in the process of creating more and more distance in the marriage. And, you have to decide how much damage you are willing to endure.

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to be committed to a marriage partner who is selfish and insensitive. I came to realize that my H was both of those things. So, I learned that I needed to be sensitive to my own needs. My H lied too. So, I let him know that his lying was obvious. And, I let him know that he was in the process of destroying the marriage. At that point, he had a choice to make. And, I had his choice to accept. His lies were obvious. His behavior clear. And, that left me to determine what I was willing to do about my feelings. I decided that he either had to quit, or leave. I wasn't willing to continue attempting to create a relationship with someone who was clearly running for something else. So, like you, I withdrew from intimacy with him. And, I let him know that I was unhappy with him as things were.

No one...no one...no one...can compete with fantasy. How can anyone ever do that? That's a losing surety. Christie Brinkley couldn't compete. Sandra Bullock couldn't compete. And far too many others to enumerate. What real person can compete with Santa Claus? I mean, in fantasy land, he offers everything we want, with no costs, and no boundaries? So, the grab bag of fantasy is just that...fantasy. An adult person realizes that fantasy is fantasy. And, that Santa Claus doesn't exist and bring all our presents for free. And, this fantasy land doesn't come free either. It has costs. Often, that's the end of a marriage and any other real relationship.

There are many who share your plight and challenges. Please feel free to join our group if you like. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/sexual-betrayal-recovery

A good support group of women to meet with is so helpful. The one I went to had childcare. I know you are not religious but there are many church support groups for women and many have childcare available. If your husband doesn't want to get help or acknowledge there is a problem it will only get worse until he does. Having support around yourself while you will help you be strong enough to make difficult decisions (which could include the above stated separation if he doesn't get help) and support you through them. Therapy also is very valuable. I was pregnant with my first child and had two more in the process of recovery so I get the childcare stress. Do what you can taking care of yourself is so important for you and your children.

Thank you all!! So much great advice and just great words to read. I am scared to open up to him but I know in order to heal I have to be willing to be vulnerable. And I also agree there is no room for porn or outside lusting in a marriage. Thanks for all the support!

Your situation sounds very similar to where I was about 4 years ago. It took me about another 2 years to figure out he was a porn addict. It took another year after that for him to admit his addiction and we've been struggling through it for just over a year now. It's a tough road. If I may suggest, I came across a book called "A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction" by Paldrom Catharine Collins and George N. Collins. It really helped me to stop blaming myself and feeling inadequate. George N Collins also wrote "Breaking the Cycle" which is a book for the addict. It helps them to go through the steps of recovery, and learn to overcome their compulsions.
Good luck to you.

@thebiggestskeptic I did actually purchase that couples book and also "your sexually addicted spouse". I enjoy them both. As far as he goes, I don't know if he's an addict, but he surely is a compulsive user or abuser. Either way he doesn't feel it was anything wrong and that I am totally just blowing this out of proportion and he hasn't ever brought it up since it was first talked about. I am at a crossroad right now. What steps did you take??

I feel badly for you and the situation that you are in. I will offer some advice and comments from the point of view of an addict in recovery for 8 months. The thing that your husband is not realizing is that by watching porn on his computer and masturbating to it, he is obtaining sexual fulfillment from a machine. When he makes love to you, is he honestly in the moment with you, or are his eyes closed as those images burned into his brain continue to bombard him? He may not understand that he is addicted, or how dangerous it is. Undoubtedly, you are angry with him. Your first instinct is to cry out, lash out at him angrily, to get him to understand that he hurt you. That is understandable, and not to be considered unexpected. However, you will find that the most meaningful and effective communication with him happens when you are calm, firm, and very clear about what your expectations are with him. I offer the following steps as advice:

1. Filter software: lock down any device that he uses to access porn. Phone, laptop, tablet, computer, and he needs to be willing to let you check his history whenever you feel like you need to, and this also means no hidden email addresses, that he offers and you know and use his username/password for any site you're unsure of.

2. He gets help. Willingly. This can mean individual therapy, couples therapy, or a 12 step group such as SAA or something similar, or perhaps a combination of several of these approaches.

3. 90 Day abstinence. Visit yourbrainonporn.com perhaps with him if he's willing. Challenge him to no sex, no porn, no masturbation for 90 days. If he can do this, you will both be in a much better place than you enter it.

4. Follow up. He needs to be willing to get the help he needs, and participate in it willingly. You need to be clear with him, calm, and follow through on your boundaries. Do not accept excuses from him. If you threaten separation and do not follow through with it if he acts out again, then he will lose respect for you. You need to be able to respect him and his treatment progress, and he needs to rebuild the trust that you've lost in him. I hope this helps in some small way.

Alexis: You shared, "Either way he doesn't feel it was anything wrong and that I am totally just blowing this out of proportion and he hasn't ever brought it up since it was first talked about.."

How can he determine what is the correct proportion for you? He isn't you. You feel exactly like you feel. And, if he isn't sensitive enough to care about how "you" feel, then what is the marriage about? I think it was very important to me when my H came up with that excuse that "I" determine how important it is to "me" to address how "I" feel. I'm sure that he didn't feel the way I feel. If he did, he wouldn't have done the things he did. So, I found that for me, it was up to me to determine how I feel, and what I am willing to do to address the way I feel. And, to determine if it is acceptable that he knew his behavior would negatively affect the way I feel about him and the relationship with him. If, it is unimportant to him how I feel in the relationship, what is his connection to me? and, if his connection to me is such that he doesn't care how I feel, how much do I value the connection?

What I'm struggling to say is that your feelings should be important to him. And, if they're not, they certainly are to you. And, you have to determine what kind of interaction you select to have with an uncaring person.

@Learningskills Wow well when put into that perspective it's actually kind of crappy. Now, that's not saying I didn't think about that, because lets be real... who want their significant other to minimize their feelings just because it offends them... but I did think that maybe since he was addicted and dealing with "diagnosis of depression" that his lack of compassion was not there and if addicted, he didn't want to feed into the reality of it by realizing the damage caused. All he kept throwing out was saying how he didn't blame me if I left, or that ultimately I'm an adult and I can choose to stay or go... or lastly that he wanted me to stay but that he didn't want me to hurt anymore.
I am not sure sometimes which way to go from here... I think that I want to take my vows and really exhaust every option, but at the same time I feel like a lot of damage has been done. Thank you!

Hi Alexis,
I am the spouse of a porn addict & sex addict. His behavior has destroyed me, destroyed 20 years of my life and left me dead inside. You have every right to say "NO porn in your marriage". Men who watch pornography or view pornographic images are cheating on their spouses.... bottom line. You have a right to not be okay with that. It's not a good sign that he continues to lie and shows no remorse. You are not crazy - his gaslighting has just made you feel that way. Best of Luck and take care of YOU!

Alexis: Just some ideas to think about. You shared, " but I did think that maybe since he was addicted and dealing with "diagnosis of depression" that his lack of compassion was not there and if addicted, he didn't want to feed into the reality of it by realizing the damage caused. All he kept throwing out was saying how he didn't blame me if I left, or that ultimately I'm an adult and I can choose to stay or go... or lastly that he wanted me to stay but that he didn't want me to hurt anymore."

Because you are a sensitive, thinking person, it seems as if you're attempting to figure out what he's thinking? The thing is, that it may well be that what he is thinking is obvious by what he is actually doing? Of course, he can't blame you for what he is doing. He knows you have nothing to do with those choices. You aren't even there when he makes them. And, of course, you are an adult and can choose to stay or go. He's right in that way, it is your responsibility to determine on what conditions you will remain in any situation. He says that he wants you to stay, but not to be hurt anymore. And, yet, he attempts to discount what you really feel about his behavior and his attitude.

Is it a reliable conclusion that you cannot think for him? Is it obvious that he is thinking and evaluating for himself? Is it clear that his behavior is a direct result of his internal evaluations? Is it possible to see the results of "his" thinking? Are his behaviors the clear marks of those things? I mean, is what you do yourself an obvious result of your thinking, values, beliefs? Then is that the same for him? I think both of those are true.

And, if you determine, that his thinking, values, beliefs and resultant behaviors are not acceptable to you, then, what is it that you can do about it?

He indicates to you that you are an adult who can do as you wish. Which is true. And, it is also true of him. Yet, by his admission, he also wants you to stay and weather the hurt his behavior induces for you? Whose interest is he defining? How can he dictate both interests? He knows what hurts you. So, it seems to me that he has the choice of stopping what hurts you so that you are content with the relationship, or, he has the choice to do as he wishes and let you be discontented with the relationship. Right? Or wrong? That is...as long as "you" are willing to allow him to ignore your feelings.

I think...think...that his pointing out that you are an adult is true, but, it is also an attempt to place the blame for the problem where it is not applicable, or to attempt to coerce you into allowing him his hurtful behaviors? Can he tell you that you shouldn't be hurt? Can he tell you not to hurt? Can he expect that you will ignore your own feelings, just as he is ignoring them?

If he truly cares enough about "you" to not want to hurt "you" anymore, then he can choose to stop the hurtful behaviors. Yes? But, he isn't choosing to stop, is he? He isn't choosing to care about the hurtful results of his behaviors. Instead, he's letting you know, as if you didn't, that you don't have to put up with it, if you choose not to. A question. Who is he serving? Is he saying you can stay and put up with it, or you can leave and not put up with it? Is that the only alternative?

Maybe, just maybe, he needs to see by your behavior that your values, beliefs and feelings are important to you, and, that you will stand up for yourself? For instance, I let my H know this. "You can and do choose to do anything you select. And, I can and will do anything I choose to do about that. So, as long as you are selecting to do that, I will not sleep with you. I will take up residence in the guest room and keep my distance from your hurtful behaviors. And, when I get irritated enough with that farce of a relationship, I will do next whatever I wish to do."

See, I feel like he is an adult man, and he can choose to do as he wishes. And, I am an adult woman and will choose what to do for myself. I can't very well stand over a flame, while the burns of the flame's heat lets me know that it is damaging me. My body will instinctively move away from harm. And, the hurtful heat of my Hs behavior is the same. It won't do me a bit of good to wonder why the flame is hot and burns my skin, but, it will do me better to move away from it. Same for my H. My body doesn't like those behaviors. It lets me know by the hurt. And, I will instinctively move away from it. See what I mean?