Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I apologize for the long story book ahead of time, I know that this is going to be rather long. I guess I dont know where to really turn to, and I found this website. I was looking around and realize that I am not alone who is suffering. I am counting the days since I have had an loving moment with my husband. It has been 1 year, 4 months and 6 days. Because of the following problems, I have refused to do anything with him.
I am not sure if I should really stay or if what I am doing is the correct thing. I know you are supposed to work on a marriage, and I know that you are not supposed to give up so quickly. But, it is continually happening. I guess I just need to get it all out into the open. When I met my husband I knew that he had bisexual tendencies, but he insured me that I was the one that he loved and I was the one that he wanted to be with. We have been married for almost 3 years in October, and although I love him, I have had the thoughts many times that this was a mistake. Am I wrong for feeling that way.
Apparently I have a good memory because the actual dates stick in my mind like it was a birthday, and it is not fair to me to have to remember these dates like they are special. On October 1st, 2008 just 5 days away from our one year anniversary. I walked into the kitchen and on the kitchen table was his cell phone blinking with a message. I was curious and opened it. There was a message from a guy asking him to meet him at the porn store down the street. That was a nightmare and hellish fight, and I believed him when he told me that he didnt meet the guy and that he didnt do anything with the guy. I found out the truth later, that he really did do something. This started the intimacy issues, and knowing that he has been with someone else makes me feel disgusted and repulsed. I thought that this was a onetime deal, but apparently I was wrong.
On January 1st of this year, I discovered more things, that I wished I didnt know about. I started to get suspicious and noticing little things that were odd. Hiding his cell phone, closing the lid of the lap top quickly when I walked by, leaving the room to take a call from family. As long as I have known him, he has NEVER left the room to take a call from his family. He has always had the conversation with me in the room. But anyway, from October 2008 and the entire year of 2009 until March of 2010, he has been unemployed and refused to get a job. I believed him for a little bit when told me that he was applying for places and no one would call him back. However, I started catching him in lies and although he told me he applied to places he never did. Low and behold, the one real application he put in, he was hired on the spot.
We were desperate at the time, and my paycheck alone was not cutting it, and a friend made the suggestion to me, and I made the suggestion to him that there might be an easy way for him to bring in some extra money. He actually thought it was a good idea and was willing and wanted to do it. The idea was to become a phone actor (sex phone operator.) This went on for a good 4 or 5 months, and I didnt seem to mind, because he promised me that this was not going to affect him. I believe him at the time. I guess I was a bit naive, but isnt love blind at the time. I see things now, well maybe only some things.
While I was working it was extremely difficult to get him out of the house so that I can check out my suspicious, and he apparently forgot my major at the time cyber security. There are so many things that I learned and how to do things invisibly on the computer. On January 1st of this year he was going to run a lot of errands, and we actually had the entire day planned. I was going to make a nice dinner, we were going to watch some movies, and then sit in the living room and watch the fireworks right outside our house as we live on the waterfront. It was all planned out, and I guess I ruined it according to him. So this was my opportunity to check out what I believe were to be true.
I noticed a few NEW email address that were being used on his Facebook, and I thought that maybe if I tried to log in I would see why he was acting so suspicious, apparently this was the start of worse things. He seems to use the same password for everything, so it was fairly simple. He created many Craigs List ads, fake screen names, and email address to have meetings with other guys and hook up while I was asleep and while I was at work. There had been about 4 different affairs with 2 men between the months of October December of 2009. Hes not a good liar, because he can only hold a secret for so long before he starts to show signs of weakness.
He agreed to get help after that and agreed to get a job and quite the phone sex job. He did quit the phone sex job and he did get a full time job. He did make an appointment to see a counselor at a free clinic. Because it was a free clinic it took nearly 3 months to get the appointment. On the day of his appointment, they called and said that she was fired and that there was no one else for him to see. I know that this was the truth, as I was there when he got the phone call. So, nothing was done after that. Although he didnt go get help, things seemed to get better between us. He was working full time and that kept him occupied. With my job I am a flex employee where I will work anywhere from 3 to 6 months and then have 3 to 6 months off. I never know when I am going to be working.
So just recently, his computer his broken and he has been using mine for homework. So, I have had access to history and cookies and things like that left on the computer. But, every time I got the computer back, he was using the private browsing options. Again, being suspicious. If he werent tired to hide anything why would he use that option. That is option is now disabled. But anyhow, last week, he came home from work asking me how much it costs to send pictures over his phone since we have prepaid phones. I told him how much they cost. He knew that they are uploaded automatically to an external website when you accept them. He was so anxious to log into the website, but he didnt know the password. I thought something was strange but I helped him log in. I immediately I saw what he was trying to hide. Another guy had sent him a picture of his dingle dangle. I would say other words to describe that because I am so angry and upset at the situation. But, I know I cant talk like that in a forum.
All hell broke loose at 2 in the morning. I found out that he had been lying to me, telling me that he was working late and then meeting someone at the park down the street to hook up. Again there was screaming and yelling and the threats of that I am kicking him out, and again I got suckered into his crying and begging. We sat down and like humans really discussed what needed to be done if he wanted to stay here with me. Although he has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, he continues to blame his sexual addiction on the disease. He continues to say he loves me and I mean the world to him and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. How can I believe this when he is constantly cheating on me, and not with another woman, but with other men.
He promised again to get help, and this time with his insurance through his work he has no excuse. There are plenty of mental health providers who accept his insurance. The next night we discussed the doctors, meetings and support groups that are in our area. It he seemed genuinely concerned about changing. I actually had a glimmer of hope. But, unable to trust him at all because he has lied to me repeatedly, I decided to take the extra step and purchase computer monitoring software, with key logging, remote access, browser tracking, search engine tracking and screen shots. The software wad actually reasonably priced for all of the features that it offers. I set it up, made it hidden and inaccessible. I am surprised by the program and the price.
That night, while I was asleep, he created another Craigs List ad and another email account. You know, I did not realized that I would catch him again. He never met anyone, but had the meetings set up. After all of this, the program crashed and sent a pop up, and he discovered it was on the computer. Thinking that by uninstalling the program and reinstalling it would delete his tracks, he evidently did not realize that everything had already been uploaded remotely, so deleting it did absolutely nothing. He told me that he got angry because I was spying on him, but realized I had all rights to do so, thats why he reinstalled the program.
Some of me wants to leave and some of me wants to stay. He has an appointment to talk to someone in 2 weeks, he has made plans to seek help with face to face meeting and phone meetings and online meetings. He promised me one last time. I believe this is the last straw for me. I cannot do it anymore. He constantly texts me when hes at work, and tells me how he cant live without me, and blah, blah, blah. How can I believe him. Half of me wants to believe and the other doesnt. He tells me that putting a key logger on the computer and a block on the website for Craigs List is actually a relief. He said that since he cant get away with things, its kind of like a stopper.
I am not sure what to believe anymore. It just so hard right now, I dont know if what I am doing is the right thing to do. I have given him an ultimatum, and told him that if he didnt start making an effort within 30 days hes out. Is that an ok thing to do? Am I in the right for allowing him to stay? I do thank anyone who has read my story, and I know that it is long and I apologize.
I am not sure if I should really stay or if what I am doing is the correct thing. I know you are supposed to work on a marriage, and I know that you are not supposed to give up so quickly. But, it is continually happening. I guess I just need to get it all out into the open. When I met my husband I knew that he had bisexual tendencies, but he insured me that I was the one that he loved and I was the one that he wanted to be with. We have been married for almost 3 years in October, and although I love him, I have had the thoughts many times that this was a mistake. Am I wrong for feeling that way.
Apparently I have a good memory because the actual dates stick in my mind like it was a birthday, and it is not fair to me to have to remember these dates like they are special. On October 1st, 2008 just 5 days away from our one year anniversary. I walked into the kitchen and on the kitchen table was his cell phone blinking with a message. I was curious and opened it. There was a message from a guy asking him to meet him at the porn store down the street. That was a nightmare and hellish fight, and I believed him when he told me that he didnt meet the guy and that he didnt do anything with the guy. I found out the truth later, that he really did do something. This started the intimacy issues, and knowing that he has been with someone else makes me feel disgusted and repulsed. I thought that this was a onetime deal, but apparently I was wrong.
On January 1st of this year, I discovered more things, that I wished I didnt know about. I started to get suspicious and noticing little things that were odd. Hiding his cell phone, closing the lid of the lap top quickly when I walked by, leaving the room to take a call from family. As long as I have known him, he has NEVER left the room to take a call from his family. He has always had the conversation with me in the room. But anyway, from October 2008 and the entire year of 2009 until March of 2010, he has been unemployed and refused to get a job. I believed him for a little bit when told me that he was applying for places and no one would call him back. However, I started catching him in lies and although he told me he applied to places he never did. Low and behold, the one real application he put in, he was hired on the spot.
We were desperate at the time, and my paycheck alone was not cutting it, and a friend made the suggestion to me, and I made the suggestion to him that there might be an easy way for him to bring in some extra money. He actually thought it was a good idea and was willing and wanted to do it. The idea was to become a phone actor (sex phone operator.) This went on for a good 4 or 5 months, and I didnt seem to mind, because he promised me that this was not going to affect him. I believe him at the time. I guess I was a bit naive, but isnt love blind at the time. I see things now, well maybe only some things.
While I was working it was extremely difficult to get him out of the house so that I can check out my suspicious, and he apparently forgot my major at the time cyber security. There are so many things that I learned and how to do things invisibly on the computer. On January 1st of this year he was going to run a lot of errands, and we actually had the entire day planned. I was going to make a nice dinner, we were going to watch some movies, and then sit in the living room and watch the fireworks right outside our house as we live on the waterfront. It was all planned out, and I guess I ruined it according to him. So this was my opportunity to check out what I believe were to be true.
I noticed a few NEW email address that were being used on his Facebook, and I thought that maybe if I tried to log in I would see why he was acting so suspicious, apparently this was the start of worse things. He seems to use the same password for everything, so it was fairly simple. He created many Craigs List ads, fake screen names, and email address to have meetings with other guys and hook up while I was asleep and while I was at work. There had been about 4 different affairs with 2 men between the months of October December of 2009. Hes not a good liar, because he can only hold a secret for so long before he starts to show signs of weakness.
He agreed to get help after that and agreed to get a job and quite the phone sex job. He did quit the phone sex job and he did get a full time job. He did make an appointment to see a counselor at a free clinic. Because it was a free clinic it took nearly 3 months to get the appointment. On the day of his appointment, they called and said that she was fired and that there was no one else for him to see. I know that this was the truth, as I was there when he got the phone call. So, nothing was done after that. Although he didnt go get help, things seemed to get better between us. He was working full time and that kept him occupied. With my job I am a flex employee where I will work anywhere from 3 to 6 months and then have 3 to 6 months off. I never know when I am going to be working.
So just recently, his computer his broken and he has been using mine for homework. So, I have had access to history and cookies and things like that left on the computer. But, every time I got the computer back, he was using the private browsing options. Again, being suspicious. If he werent tired to hide anything why would he use that option. That is option is now disabled. But anyhow, last week, he came home from work asking me how much it costs to send pictures over his phone since we have prepaid phones. I told him how much they cost. He knew that they are uploaded automatically to an external website when you accept them. He was so anxious to log into the website, but he didnt know the password. I thought something was strange but I helped him log in. I immediately I saw what he was trying to hide. Another guy had sent him a picture of his dingle dangle. I would say other words to describe that because I am so angry and upset at the situation. But, I know I cant talk like that in a forum.
All hell broke loose at 2 in the morning. I found out that he had been lying to me, telling me that he was working late and then meeting someone at the park down the street to hook up. Again there was screaming and yelling and the threats of that I am kicking him out, and again I got suckered into his crying and begging. We sat down and like humans really discussed what needed to be done if he wanted to stay here with me. Although he has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, he continues to blame his sexual addiction on the disease. He continues to say he loves me and I mean the world to him and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. How can I believe this when he is constantly cheating on me, and not with another woman, but with other men.
He promised again to get help, and this time with his insurance through his work he has no excuse. There are plenty of mental health providers who accept his insurance. The next night we discussed the doctors, meetings and support groups that are in our area. It he seemed genuinely concerned about changing. I actually had a glimmer of hope. But, unable to trust him at all because he has lied to me repeatedly, I decided to take the extra step and purchase computer monitoring software, with key logging, remote access, browser tracking, search engine tracking and screen shots. The software wad actually reasonably priced for all of the features that it offers. I set it up, made it hidden and inaccessible. I am surprised by the program and the price.
That night, while I was asleep, he created another Craigs List ad and another email account. You know, I did not realized that I would catch him again. He never met anyone, but had the meetings set up. After all of this, the program crashed and sent a pop up, and he discovered it was on the computer. Thinking that by uninstalling the program and reinstalling it would delete his tracks, he evidently did not realize that everything had already been uploaded remotely, so deleting it did absolutely nothing. He told me that he got angry because I was spying on him, but realized I had all rights to do so, thats why he reinstalled the program.
Some of me wants to leave and some of me wants to stay. He has an appointment to talk to someone in 2 weeks, he has made plans to seek help with face to face meeting and phone meetings and online meetings. He promised me one last time. I believe this is the last straw for me. I cannot do it anymore. He constantly texts me when hes at work, and tells me how he cant live without me, and blah, blah, blah. How can I believe him. Half of me wants to believe and the other doesnt. He tells me that putting a key logger on the computer and a block on the website for Craigs List is actually a relief. He said that since he cant get away with things, its kind of like a stopper.
I am not sure what to believe anymore. It just so hard right now, I dont know if what I am doing is the right thing to do. I have given him an ultimatum, and told him that if he didnt start making an effort within 30 days hes out. Is that an ok thing to do? Am I in the right for allowing him to stay? I do thank anyone who has read my story, and I know that it is long and I apologize.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
1) This is NOT in any way your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Only he can change, IF he wants to.
2) Yes, it is ok to set boundaries like the 30 days that you set. In fact, you must set them to protect yourself and to show him that actions have consequences.
3) You said, " I know you are supposed to work on a marriage, and I know that you are not supposed to give up so quickly. But, it is continually happening." Well, first of all, this has been going on probably for years, even before you were around. Also, things obviously aren't changing. And I think that you have probably tried everything you know to do to fix things. I just want to tell you that you don't have to do things because you are "supposed" to, particularly when your partner isn't behaving as he is supposed to in a marriage.
4) And, lastly, you probably feel very weak right now. But you will find out: You are stronger than you even know.
Best wishes.
You are in no way responsible for your H's behaviour, but you're not helping yourself or him by being his watchdog. You should not be his gate-keeper. It obviously is stressing you out and is probably only making him resentful of you.
You both need help - your h for his addiction and you could benefit from counseling to help get you on the right path; IMHO you are extremely co-dependent. Your suggestion that your H be a porn phone actor? really? what were you guys thinking? I understand the need to pay the rent and trust me I have been there but if someone is serious about a job and beating their addiction you can find something else to do with your life, anything before doing the phone porn thing.
No job, no real desire to stop acting out and you have given him 30 days to make an effort. Have you defined 'effort?' Are you both on the same page re: your expectations? What does 'out' mean? Does that mean he sleeps on the couch or he's out of your life? Are you prepared to really act on your ultimatum this time or will you just adjust the bar?
As I said in the beginning I know this may sound harsh, but frankly I am bewildered by the amount of BS SOs will take from their SA. Until we're in recovery we are so full of shit it isn't even funny. I would have lied to God if I thought I could get away with it. I understand the love and the co-dependency aspect of the relationship which is the only reason my wife stayed with me and believe me I'm grateful. But how much is too much? I do know for sure if I put my wife through the amout of grief your h is putting you through she would have been long gone & if I slip, even once, our marriage is caput.
I do wish you the strength and courage to follow through on your convictions, only you have the power to control how you will react - I hope only the best for you.