I attend S-Anon meetings (sanon.org) which is for friends and families of sexaholics. I learn how to have a healthy, loving relationship with others and keep the focus on me. Blessings!

Hi Notfeelinggood,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That sounds difficult. Thank you for sharing. Please take any part of my input below that you need and toss the rest.

I was going to suggest S-Anon... it looks like somebody else has already beat me to that suggestion. If you can't find a local one then consider Al-Anon because it's been around 4 times longer and has a much larger fellowship - higher chances to find a good healthy group. Although it's for those who are with alcoholics when you hear their stories you'll find everything applies right down the line (just substitute sex in when people talk about their loved ones being out of control with alcohol or drugs or behaviors). Also, those groups have a lot of super healthy people to help you navigate the craziest situations. I remember one father at a group who had serenity in the midst of his daughter almost passing on from a terrible heroin addiction. I was astonished how much serenity people had in the midst of chaos.

I struggle with something referred to as Love Addiction but it's not real love - it's more of the fake stuff that is believed to be the real stuff - trying to meet a need of mine and thinking it's love - i.e. trying to fill holes in my own heart by being with another person - essentially using them and thinking it's love. Anyhow, often times, addicts, such as your wife from what you're sharing, will marry another person who they can have a love addiction with. That was the case for me. If you'd like to see if any of this relates to you I suggest checking out Pia Melody's books.

Lastly, in the same way an addict can't control their drug of choice, the people they marry are just as powerless to control the addict they are married with. The harder people try to control the addict typically the more the addict acts out. Both must come to grips that they are without power and need God. Both must realize they are putting up idols (sex) or (another person) and both must take the log out of their eye before they can take the spec out of another. So we start with ourselves first.

I encourage you to go to an anon meeting, ask for a sponsor, make a commitment to go every week for at least 6 weeks before you make any decision on anything - including if the group is valuable. After the 6 weeks, then and only then, cross the bridge to make decisions once you get to that point. The hardest thing to find right now will be objectivity. I have field tested anon groups... if you're like me you'll get the best advice you've ever received from anon meetings. 1000 times better than any therapist can provide.... trust me. Therapists are trained in worldly wisdom and although they have no good fruit in their own lives often, they act like they do. Recovery comes from spiritual wisdom which is stronger, deeper, and much more powerful than any man made wisdom.

Best of luck to you my friend. I will be praying for you.

Hi Notfeelinggood, I understand your pain and will be praying for you as you go through this. I hope you find the right support group to help you. God will show you what you need to do as you put your trust in him.
@CJ_Smith - thank you so much for posting - that was very well said!!!

Being in a relationship with a sex addict is the toughest thing ever. If she isnt willing to be faithful, in some sort of recovery, you have to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. Having firm boundaries, strict consequences too. It isnt easy and takes a lot of self work too.

Thanks to all of you for your help.

She seems to have stopped her sex things although she still talks about it sometimes.

I really don’t trust her anymore. That’s terrible.

Now it’s something new: she needs time for herself. We worked together and ran businesses together and now there’s this new behavior.

I think I’ll start taking time for myself too. After all I feel like I need to get ready for a divorce.

In my personal and professional life, I’ve had lots of hardships and this is just one more.

I’m not a young kid anymore and I don’t want to waste years if things don’t improve.

I’m pretty grounded. I’ve had a therapy 10 years ago that helped me find my own balance inside but I also know that, sometimes, being too involved in a situation doesn’t allow us to take a distance with it.

Your words are helping. Thanks.

I'm grateful my spouse didn't throw in the towel when I requested it and pushed for it. I gave up hope - mainly because I was getting advice from therapists but also because like you, I lost trust. Anon groups eventually restored everything I hold dear including hope, trust, love, and my marriage.

My encouragement would be to figure out what fruit you want in your life, then go to those people who have that fruit in their life, ask them how did they get that fruit, lastly follow their advice so you can have that same fruit. You'll know a tree (not by the sign or title on the tree but) by its fruit. I stopped getting advice from people who have no fruit... and that includes my own self. What I learned in anon groups is that even if I leave my spouse, if I don't heal within first, I'll find another replica of her and fall in love with her again all over again - although she'd have a different name. My sponsor told me, might as well start practicing on this one and he was right. Don't go it alone bro. These are tough times, find a group and share your story with another guy, express you emotion, cry it out, face the pain and start the healing process. We can't heal what we can't feel. Best of luck to you bro. God speed.

Depending on her age she may or may not out grow it. My husband is addicted to porn, and wont have sex with me. Even though i am attractive and keep my body in shape. He fantisies about swinging which i am not into. I tried it once and it destroyed me. I have found pics of un suspecting girls in tight clothes, and tube tops and bikinis in his phone. I understand the trust issues. Maybe put a gps on her vehicle and you have proof, and you can have piece of mind if you choose to leave. Sex addiction is hard to deal with in a relationship. I try to work through it with my husband. But when i find something like the pictures its a fight. The lack of trust is destroying me, and killing my self esteem. I know what your going through, and when you love someone how can you make such a hard decision. Its your decision alone to make. You may need support to get through it. I wish you the best of luck.

The past 2 days were good. Until tonight she told me she was chatting with a new guy. Just chatting.

I thought I could deal with it but I can’t. I had to go out. I made it to Walmart just to “buy some shampoo” and spent 2 hours walking down every single aisle.

I feel so tired. I fly home to France for a couple weeks in October and I’m really considering not coming back. I’d drop my business my investments, everything and just hit the reset button.

I know it’s an addiction and should be here to help. But this thing is just getting on me. Destroying me piece by piece.

And I don’t get it. We have sex every day, most of time twice a day and it always lasts at least 45 min to an hour. It’s not like I’m bad in bed or short or whatever she could complain about. Even she says it’s always much better with me.

I’m lost again.

"She always had this fantasy of having sex with 2 guys so I finally accepted to invite a guy. I've secretly hated it since the first time. But I kinda managed it. "

(That's were things went wrong.) She was faithful to you for seven years and had this fantasy, but did not act out on it until you gave her permission to do so.

If it wasn't something you were okay with, you really should not have agreed to it. She explored it and enjoyed it, and now you can't take it back.

I get that you are disappointed, but there seems to be a huge lack of personal responsibility here. Why can't you "trust" her? She was faithful until you gave her permission to play around with other guys. She didn't break your trust. She did these things with your permission and participation. I just don't think you should not be putting all this on her. I don't think she violated your trust; that is not the issue.

But, it seems that you cannot move forward without monogamy. That is obviously important to you, to a degree that you previously did not understand. I think the question should be, "is she willing to be monogamous with me now?" It sounds like she is. But you fear that maybe now that she has had a taste of more, that she really isn't.

Which is it? Are your fears rationale? If you explain that monogamy is important to you, can she accept that an commit to it? If not, you should probably leave her because it's toxic to you, but it sounds to me like she is willing to be monogamous again. So, maybe you should support her.

If she is actually a sex addict, I'm sure there are underlying issues. What about couples therapy? Are you doing things to help recover what was lost, or have you placed judgement on her and decided that she is no longer good enough for you? If that's the case, you should probably leave her. Why have her put effort into the relationship if you cannot put aside your judgement, fear, and insecurity in the end? She will struggle to prove herself, but it will never be enough.

On the other hand, if you really love her, realize that you are responsible for this too and actively do things to help heal the relationship. She has no incentive to be faithful to you if you have lost respect for her and judge her. You are going to have to find the spark in your relationship again if you want to save it.