Yes your husband has a huge problem and you cvan not buy into his lame excuses. He sounds like an addict in denial.

I am sure there will be other posts to this thread with some great advice. You must begin setting your bounderies around this behavior. Will you stay with him if this continues, is a big question for you both.

Good luck and god back to read some of the other posts here. You will find some great support and advice.

Good luck,

There's an old saying, "where there's smoke, there's fire." And Stone was right, do you want to stay with him?

from what I've read there is no reason why addicts are the way they are...some say its hereditary...but I still believe that its a choice...

and you have a choice to make...this is what he is...and even when they want to stop its a struggle forever....are the good things he does worth the damage to your life???

I know which way I'm leaning since he hasn't been there for me or my son when we were at our worst...he was off looking at ??? or with??? my health and youth won't last forever, so I ask myself 'is this the man I want supporting me (or my son)when I am physically unable to for whatever reason...I can't feel safe now, what about if I ended up sick or bed ridden ...would I be in hands I trust to put my best interest 1st???

I think I just answered my own question, best of luck, StayC

He is perfect in everyother way maybe thats why I let him get away with this stuff. He does work hard and is a grst dad and provider but its not an excuse when he slips up a little bit I just go beserk because of all the neg. He knows how I feel so he just trys to hide it all I think he has a problem and I wish He would except it thank you for your comments.

Your husband won't admit he has a problem and get into recovery until he "hits bottom", until he is a completely and totally broken man. That is a fact. What you can do, however, is something they call "raising the bottom". This means taking steps to get him to that place of brokenness a whole lot quicker.

Basically, this involves setting some very tight boundaries for you and your child. You will take so much from your husband but no more. Make sure he knows exactly where the boundary is, and what the consequences will be if he crosses that line. Acceptable consequences might include leaving him, filing for formal separation, seeking sole custody of your child, filing for an order of protection against him so that he can no longer see or talk with you or your child, and finally, filing for divorce. These are things you can do. Other things which might cause an addict to "hit bottom" might include losing a job due to sexual activity, being arrested for sexual behaviors, being sued for sexual harassment or paternity, etc. Whatever cause them to "hit bottom", it usually has to be fairly dramatic to make them see their life is out of control.

And just a note for stacy: sexual addiction is NOT hereditary. What is inherited is a genetic predisposition to addictions in general. On a neurochemical level, addictions, all addictions, are about manipulating the neurotransmitters in the brain, and some people are more likely to do that then others due to genetic influences.

charli,

Wow, great add to this thread. Keep helping and may your journey through life be a happy one!

I agree with all of the above replies. Being a recovering addict myself, it sounds as if you are describing me before my recovery. The actions, and the lies are very strong indecators. In this group you will see a book refered to very often, "Out of the Shadows"by Patrick Carnes. When i read this book, and found it describing my actions to a Te. I realized just how big my problem really was. Before then, I just thought i was doing things i enjoyed, and that i wanted to do. I didnt realize just how sick i really was.
As Charlie said, he needs to hit rock bottom before he accepts responsibillity.
My advise, would be for you to get the book and read it, so you know and understand what your really dealing with. Then you should do everything possible with in your power to do as Charlie suggested and "raise the bottum" for him. The sooner he hits, the sooner he can begin recovery. I can only speek for myself, but just because he is an addict and the actions he follows, doesnt mean he is a bad person. It is much deeper than that. S. A's act out in sexual ways, the same as an alcoholic turns up a bottle to try and fix his inner problems. We are just judged much more harshly because of the immorality
I would just like to tell you there is hope. I have been in recovery for 1.5 years. My marriage has survived and gotton stronger than ever before. I am a born again christian that lives in God's grace, and devotes time to try and help others who have some of the same struggles i have had to deal with.
May God bless you and your family.

We did read "out of the Shadows" and it did hit home with him...he has been struggling over his own questions since we read it last spring....

He appeared to be making great progress until last week when some things in our lives were triggers...I am ashamed to say that I could see it coming and that he was really struggling but instead of helping him or myself, I pulled out my "blade" before he had a chance to choose and belittled him to death, so to speak. I am sorry for it especially because I know he had been trying.

tempesta, have you or he read it? read all that you can, it will help. I realize I butted into your thread and I hope I haven't overstepped, so thanks for sharing.

Thank you all for your advice i have not read it yet but will again thank you all for listening

Stayc,

Must have been a full moon last week. My husband acted out last week also. I will tell you this, I was doing everything right I was suppotive, loving, talking, planning for him to come home for thanksgiving and he still acted out. Don't beat yourself up, I think that it is not you. I had to stop blaming my self for his dessions. Bottom line, it is his dession not yours and he has to decided and only him.

Life is full of trouble and we all have to learn to deal with it in a healthy way. My husband tells me that he is working to change his think and act in a new way and that I have nothing to do with it.

When we get in a tough place and issues being I say " I am sorry, I have to deal with it and so do you, you are not special and you are not allowed to check out or act out"
I think there are times when I feel that I must give tough love the same way I gave my children when they were small. There are times that I need to be loving and supporting. I think they are like small children learning, growing, sucseeding, failing, struggling. I feel the art is to know when to give support and when to give tough love.

He has a problem in his relationship with you. He likes what he's doing and you don't. So, it's you that has to do something about it. Maybe you need to think about what you want to do with your life as others here have said. Ten years has passed and you're still having the same problem. That's a long time.

yes, he has a problem...he is doing things that hurt you. he is violating the vows he took when you married, he is violating you by looking to other women, he is dishonoring you by what he is telling you, and it is time for you to draw the line.....either he gets his act together, or you are kicking him to the curb.....do not let this go on any longer! The man needs a serious wake-up call.....make that call right now!

my ex-h was a sex addict, one of the severest according to all 4 of his therapists, 2 of which were certified sex addiction therapists. i always hear of "rock bottom" and the therapists thought if i set boundaries, he would hit it, he didn't. i finally filed for divorce thinking he would hit rock bottom, he didn't. he left the day he got the papers even though he knew if he didn't get treatment, i would file. i was sooo not prepared for him to walk away. i was devastated at first. i know i was the one to file for divorce, it wasn't because i wanted it, it was because i was trying to force him to hit rock bottom. here i am 2 years later, divorced, and he still hasn't hit rock bottom. just be prepared for whatever boundaries you put out. i never thought he would walk away, he did. it wasn't what i planned, but it has turned out to be the best thing for me and my children. not because i have found someone else or anything like that because i haven't, it's because i have given my kids a chance to grow up and not be around all of the behavior my ex displayed.

I guess I should have pointed out in my original response (but forgot to do so) that some sex addicts have no bottom and therefore nothing you can do will ever get them into recovery. These unfortunate folks will ultimately die in their addiction. It's sad, but there's really nothing that can done for these individuals. Let's hope tempesta's husband isn't in this group.

I agree with all that has been said here, especially Charli's last post. Some will never recover a normal life. My XH never did, no matter what I did. Whether I was kind, or when he was confronted, or talking or even when I divorced him. He just went on living that way. My life got infinitely better when I divorced him. I hit my rock bottom and decided to get out of the relationship...and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

My H now is a different person than my Xh, since I hit my rock bottom and told him that I wasn't willing to tolerate his actions at all, under any circumstance whatsoever, he quit....period. I gave him only two alternatives...quit...or divorce. Those were the only two alternatives viable for me.

He knows from my past track record that I will do exactly what I told him I would. I think that was helpful. That I had been there before and I knew what had to be done. And, that I was, and am, capable of doing that any time I choose. See, I know that for me living that way is never going to work for me. So, I have to do what will work for me.

He had some mental adjustment problems though. Not so much physical, as in doing the things I told him that I would divorce him for, but in attitude. Talking with him has helped with that. He doesn't make excuses for himself, or anyone else who does those things now. I think that's a good sign for him.

I think that a lot of spouses are like I once was. I used to think that I needed to try and make the relationship work, for many reasons. Most of them in the vein of misquided "fix it" issues. I learned that I can't fix anyone, or change their views. I learned to respect my own life and what I wanted from it.

Sometimes decisions in life are difficult and they hurt. But, the hurt goes away when you get rid of the problem, in my case, my XH. He was a problem for me. I fixed what I could....my life.

You can choose what you want for your life...and no one else can do that for you. We don't always get what we want. But, were more likely to get what we want if we refuse to accept anything short of that.

Maybe thinking about what your life would be like without the constant problem would be a good thing. The stress of dealing with a person who is out of control drains lots of energy and positive influences. Think about what you need to be happy in life and head for that.