epratt,

I posted this on another thread but I think this can helpful for you at this particular junction.

After my program ended which included 90 day total sexual abstinence specially masturbation, I learned a few things from it to use during afterwards.

1) I had to have a rigid schedule where every possible minute was accounted for so that there was no room for relapses.

Example:

6:00 am-6:30am Get up, take shower, make breakfast, pack lunch
7:00 am-9:30am work
9;30am-9:45am make coffee, eat snack
9:45am-12:00 pm Work
12:00pm-1:00 pm Lunch (eat, read devotional)
1:00pm -3:00 pm work
3:00pm-3:40pm Bike home
3:40pm-4:00pm Take shower, change clothes, check email (15 mins max)

You get the gist the point is that every moment is accounted for.

2) Triggers, those incidents that caused me to indulge were addressed as follows: by feeling them and not doing anything about them whatsoever, eventually, they ceased to be an issue as I learned to deal with the issue that caused the trigger in the first place.

3) Another thing I did was start to read motivational books, I filled my mind with positive books by authors such as Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Normal Vincent Peale, Joel Osteen, Louise Hay and at work I would play Osteen's sermons to further infuse my mind with good thoughts. To ne healthy I needed to live a healthy life.

4) Which brings me to, live the life of someone who never saw porn, which meant that I could not go online to watch it (put in a filter called k-9 webcoat), I had to give away my porn, I did not hang out with people who saw it or talked about it. I had also cancelled any premium channels, watched only safe TV shows and these days if there is a highly sexual scene in a movie, it does not interest me, I often either walk out to get a drink or pick up a book and wait til it is over.

5) I did not talk about my addiction to anyone, to me it did not exist as a live entity because I was no longer indulging, so for me there was no sense on speaking about something that was no longer happening in my life. During that time, I had several highly charged events took place but not once did I relapse, why? Because for me, that was NEVER an option, to relapse for me was to revert the clock and to waste x amount of days on my life just because I could not bear whatever was happening, I had gone through worse, for crying out loud.

6) Kept a notebook of triggers and what I did to address them, so that I could both keep a track f my progress but also see what needed to be tweaked if necessary. The most important thing was to realize that sex is an option, I did not need sex whatsoever. Once I established that, getting rid of the addiction became easier.

The bottom line is this: Since this was my problem, I had to get creative and determined to get better, not for anyone but myself, i did not want to spend anymore of my time (I had already wasted 30 some years) on something that is external and frankly nothing external had power over me unless I gave it. I applied what I learned from quitting smoking to my self made recovery program.

Yet the most important aspect of my healing was simply this: Make each day count, I learned new skills, I taught myself new languages, I started to read books I never read because the addiction took up all my time and started living my life anew.

Hope this helps,
Wolf (4 years sober) "

I don't know if this is sound advice or not, but I have found that reading erotic stories is a way of meeting certain needs but hopefully in a healthier way. I say this as someone who is trying to overcome their own problems, not someone who has succeeded.

Also you could try reading some 'self help' type books to help you to understand what is powering the addiction,

I hope I can help,

Tom

Erotic stories are porn without pictures.

Personally, I don't believe filters will work for me. When I wanna MB to IP, nothing in the world is gonna stop me.

For me it literally is a case of 'Just for Today' as I normally just get a week or so of abstinence in the one go. I haven't achieved 30 days back-to-back abstinence since my first major relapse in March 2012.

Also, being unemployed is a major factor in this. I have too much free time in hand.

Wolf,

Thank you for your advice. I will start some of those practices that apply to my situation immediately. Keeping a notebook of triggers and addressing them along with reading motivating books sounds like it would help a ton with keeping my mind in the right place.

Desigol,

I find a lot of the time it's the "just this once" trick that keeps me in the wrong habit. I try my best to remember that it's never just once. It's never going to end if it's always just once. I hope you can make it 30 days along with me as we forget that this term has a place in our minds.

Desigo: I truly think if you were to apply the principles outlined earlier where every single second is accounted for by you and you were to simply stay away from the computer (during the first 90 days I went to the library to do my homework from the recovery program) you would be in a much different place right now.

I've known your situation for years and I am betting that if you were to just stop and make a serious effort to get better, you would. I lived alone and I still do. I had no support save for the mentor and here I am 4 years later in a much better place.

espratt,

That is absolutely the bottom line, there cannot be "just this once" because we both know that it will send you back to where you truly do not want to be. The good news is that you are extremely aware of the consequences so next time you have an urge, keep that in mind and keep going forward.Remember every day away from porn is a day closer to freedom.

Wolf

Desigo,

I was reading my devotional of the day and I stumbled into something you can actually use:

No person whose entire time is spent in the contemplation of limitation can demonstrate freedom from such limitation - Ernest Holmes

Wolf

I try to really take a good look at what I'm feeling. The other day, I had to to do something personally difficult, I tried to run from my feelings. I would have loved to act out, but that was out of the question. Instead, I just sat with my feelings, even welcomed them. After awhile I just started crying. After that I felt lighter. One of the things I noticed is how much I run away from or try to squash my more unpleasant emotions. I suppose it's become a habit.

itsallgood,

Addiction happens when we try and cope with unwanted emotions with an outside source believing that it will solve the problem.

However, the total opposite happens, the unwanted emotions become overwhelming because they end up piled on, one after the other and then the urge to indulge becomes even more intense.

Then, to make matters worse after using the coping mechanism, we are relieved for about 3 seconds, only to feel even worse afterwards with even more piled on emotions. When dealing with said emotion would have been painful but it would not have been as intense.

Case in point, about 6 months into my recovery my father died, not only could I not attend the funeral for various reasons but it also left me with a myriad of unwanted emotions, my father never ever qualified as so so father of the year, for the sake of argument. The fact that I was not allowed to attend my mother's funeral because I was deemed too young, also brought up a mess of unresolved issues for me.

For weeks I was numb, truly numb so I was okay on the respect as the idea of his passing was forming in my mind, then one day it hit me, as I was watching Black Beauty, I kid you not. I cried for a while, then I felt an intense urge to indulge yet I did not give in, I simply cried and cried, screamed, shouted, etc. Then I sat there with the soup of ghastly feelings, slept horribly that night.

After that, weeks went by and the soup and the urges became less intense until one day, it was gone, I did not notice it at first, I dawned on me I was no longer numb when I went to pet a dog and I felt something nice and warm wash over me. That day, I took myself to a nice restaurant and had a nice meal.

All of this to tell you, that unwanted emotions are not as bad as fear tries to tell us. it is just that we are not taught to deal with them, so now it is our job to learn how so that we can live a healthy life.

Wolf

Thank you, Wolf, for your insight, help, and motivation.

Itsallgood,

I'm the same way. I've learned to ignore feelings and it really hasn't turned out for he best for me. I find it helps to talk to someone about it, but if I can't or I don't want to I just have a conversation to myself about it and let it go. Sometimes it turns out to be a wonderful thing.

I've looked up and am starting to follow a 12 step program for addiction and one step is righting wrongs. Tears started as I wrote someone that I had an unhealthy relationship with. I know she's not going to respond and probably wouldn't ever read through my entire apology as since I've hurt her pretty bad, but it has helped me turn over a new leaf and start on the road to a life of better habits.

It gives a feeling of hope that I can still heal.

Epratt

Reply #2...
Tom -
Please do yourself a favor and find another activity besides the soft porn/erotica. This is a subtle feeding tube that can easily lead to a relapse of the full-blown porn viewing. (Try other reading materials, if you really do want to help yourself.)

Can someone help point me in the right direction?

I am interested in learning about the affects of my husband's porn addiction:

- Is there really recovery?
- How do I know for certain he has stopped?
- Is there help when I've complicated the matter by engaging in an affair? (Now over. Regretfully even started.)
- Any Christians out there? I'm seeking biblically sound advice.

There is recovery, and you'll know it when you are there. But you'll never be certain 100% of no relapse or morphing into another addictive substance. This is Life. No guarantees of anything.

I highly recommend some sort of 12-step or other recovery program for BOTH you & your husband, and couples therapy, and individual therapy for YOU. My husband did not want to do individual therapy, but he did a recovery program & couples therapy. I needed more support, and was grateful for the individual therapy once I got started. It is always hard to start therapy, but it can be so helpful.

Read Sex Addicts Anonymous. In there you will find out the exact reasons why you may act out.

Silent,

You said: I am interested in learning about the affects of my husband's porn addiction:

- Is there really recovery? This is not a cut and dry issue for most, some think that they will always in recovery, others think of recovery as the work done to get the mind rebooted leading to sobriety where none of the addiction is present yet one must remain vigilant not slip back into old habits.

- How do I know for certain he has stopped? It depends how long ago he has stopped, if it's recent he may be very moody and acting like a bear with a horrible flea infestation and no tree for miles. That is the best way I can phrase it. Later on, his behavior may change, his vocabulary also may change, it will not be as sexually charged as before and he may be enjoying his life more, the little things, as it were.

- Is there help when I've complicated the matter by engaging in an affair? (Now over. Regretfully even started.) I'm thinking that your affair and his addiction may be two separate issues, but for that I think couple's counseling may be a viable option, depending again where he is on his recovery. I say that they are separate issues because though one may have to with the others, the motives are not the same. I take it the affair was a reaction to his neglect and his addiction was a matter of compulsive behavior.

- Any Christians out there? I'm seeking biblically sound advice. "
I may not be a full fledged Christian, I am more Lutheran and non denominational but if it was not for reading St. Paul's epistles I would never have been healed from it.

As far as you, due to the affair, now that is done, you need to forgive yourself as God has forgiven you. There are no backsies here and no, yes buts to had. Read the Bible well and notice how it is full of absolutes, such as "God's love endures forever" "With God ALL things are possible" and my favorite "I shall never forsake nor leave you". These are ever lasting thrust you can bank on any day and any hour, and just because you see not change, it does not mean there is not.

One of the best things that happened to me was this addiction, it stripped me of any pretense that I had, I knew that I could and did not have to do it alone, that God was with me the entire time because he said he would never leave me nor forsake me.

So it made look at the Bible in an entire different way but I had to be committed to getting better and wanting to be healed, that was my end of the deal. Four years later I am.

So, no I do not preach, but I speak of the truth I know to be true for me, my truth and if it speaks to you, all the better.

Hugs,
Wolf

I used to get affect and effect mixed up all the time til my English teacher told me this ditty" The effects of alcohol affects the body" after that never again I got them confused. :)