Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Hello, this is my first post on this topic. I came to daily strength looking for support becasue I am a compulsive liar. I have since found other support groups that I thought that I too needed to join, and Porn Addiction was one of them.
I never thought of myself as a porn addict. I just told myself that I only liked watching porn. As you can see that is why I also needed to join Liars Annonymous. I still to this day have a hard time admitting to myself that I am a porn addict. But after reading up on porn addiction, and now know that I am. Thankfully, I noticed it early enough that I wasn't completely desensitized to porn, and I have not gone out into the real world to make my porn fantasies come to reality.
I am married and have been for 12 years, and have been with the same woman for 18 years. I am 36, and only had 2 real girlfriends in my life. The first only lasted 3 months. And well, the second lasted much longer than that as she was and still is the love of my life. My wife is also the only person that I have have been fully intimate with. My wife and I also have 2 wonderful children together.
I am currently writing this alone as I was confronted with a thumb drive of porn that I had downloaded - to which I at first said that I had no idea what that was to saying that I never downloaded anything, that I got it from someone else. All lies. I was asked to leave my home and now my wife has reservations for letting me be alone with my kids. All of which is all my fault.
I was and am in the stage of watching what would be considered "mainstream" porn, but not getting much from that so, I had moved onto much more graphic porn. And as much as it hurts to admit that, it scares me even more that it was exciting to me. I am trying to figure out why I like porn so much so that way I can stop watching it, and feeling the need to watch it. I can honestly say that the last time that I watched porn was back in late November. I was caught with the thumb drive of porn on 12/09/16 and I have not watched it since November. While the urges to watch are still there, I have to fight everytime to not watch. And I want to.
I don't know what to do. That is why I am here for this support group. Looking for tips and advice. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Joining this group is a good first step. Being around a culture, even digitally, of people who share your struggle and are also trying to overcome it can be very helpful. We can remind each other of why we're striving to quit, and congratulate each others' successes.
I personally have found reading books about quitting porn addiction to be very helpful as well. I try to read a chapter of one each night, just to really make it stick in my brain that the momentary pleasure of a porn binge is not worth the cost. Even if you're successfully overriding your desires with willpower, the literature can give additional reinforcement to the more rational parts of your psyche, and decrease your cravings. That has been my experience, at least. I recommend Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson as a starting point, though I can provide additional recommendations, as I'm sure can many people here.
Given the way porn is impacting your relationship, I would also consider installing parental control software on all of your computers, and letting your wife set the passwords, if she is open to that, to show that you really are serious about quitting, and potentially seeking counseling
Does it cost you time, money, and the love of others? How neglectful can you become when obsessed with porn? Do you act out because others neglect your regularly? Was there any abuse in your life? Self-searching, or "self-surveying" will help you a lot in recovery. Asking honest but more so fearless questions about the situation will provide the most clarity.
Here are the steps, which if you are interested in can be read on the SAA-recovery.org website.
First we admit we are powerless over acting out, and when we give into the urge, the compulsive power that drives us to do things we regret later, sexually, we then either ignore the harm and want more, or we become so depressed hopelessness and hate for ourselves then comes after. Whilst hating and having no hope, our lives suffer and we become lethargic, and unable to function as normal people, eventually becoming insane.
Second, through all that pain, somehow we, if we can accept we are wrong, can surrender to the possibility there is a higher power or God that doesn't like to see us hurt, and doesn't want us to feel "wrong" who can restore us to sanity, making us non-lethargic, positive, helpful, and full of welcoming energy.
Third, after we are convinced that we are the problem, and that the higher power is the solution, we then can decide to go with the higher power's love, and abandon our own selfishness by asking the higher power to direct and care for our lives from then on out.
Four, we take a deep look inside ourselves to see things we are negative about, people who give us trouble, identify why they give us troubles, asking for help, seeing what others saw, doing inventory.
Five, once we have seen the "defects" such as selfishness, arrogance, self-seeking, greed, pride, envy, jealousy, desires for control, feelings imbalanced, needing to be superior, lust, ignorance, etc., we can then ask for them to be removed by a higher power, by telling ourselves, others who can keep confidence, and that higher power the truth of their existence.
Six, we then can continue living with the defects, until we see that they have no value towards a happy life or porn free existence if held dear to.
Seven, we then through the pain of living with the defects, ask God to remove them gently and humbly.
Eight, we then see what harm our defects did, to others, and to ourselves, and we make a list of who we harmed with our defects mentioned above, and pray for the willingness to right the wrong the defects did.
Nine, we use courage and action to either tell or show people we were wrong with and we want to make everything right in our relationships going forward with them.
Ten, we continue to self-survey, and we try to search for other defects, or new old defects that are in a continual process of being removed by God. God is the hardest working entity ever, and is always working on all his children, everyone of us, so we do our part by working with God, to ask for all defect to be removed, so we don't hurt others with our selfishness.
Eleven, we pray and mediate so we can hear God's direction clearly and without question of if it is a reality.
Twelve, we give back this message to new people, so they can experience a life that is drama free, painless, and everything God intended it to be.
I know it sounds simple, but it is, and anything complex about the steps and recovery is all from the ego, so going outside the steps to find ways to minimize the power of the ego is going to help as well.
TailorSailor:
If your wife was alright with it, or if your wife looked at porn herself, would you still want to quit? No, I don't believe so. Because then I would have thought it was ok for me to do that. She has told me that she would have watched it with me if I had told her about everything instead if hiding it, and going down the path that I chose by myself.
Does it cost you time, money, and the love of others? Yes to time and love of others, I never paid for the porn that I accessed. The internet where porn is always one click away and is free, and I would receive free DVD's from the adult store where items that I wanted to use with my wife were purchased. How neglectful can you become when obsessed with porn? I always took care of my children, and made sure that when I would access and watch porn that I was alone, with no chance of them walking in while it was on either the computer, or TV. However, I would neglect my work duties at times as I would have it on in the background as I was doing the paperwork involved with my job. Do you act out because others neglect your regularly? Possibly - but that might all be in my head. My wife and I had a good sex life. I always wanted more sex, and due to my porn watching there were things that I wanted to do with my wife that I had become desensitized to, that she wasn't ready to do. She needs to warm up to the idea, but I wanted it now, so I felt that my needs were being disregarded. Was there any abuse in your life? Yes, there was. I have told my wife about it, and talked with a therapist. When I was 14, I was walking to a McDonalds near my house, and I was abducted by a group of men. I was taken to an unknown location as I had hood over my head. When we arrived to where we where they wanted to take me, I was brought into a large room, and was stripped and strapped down to a table lying face up. I was still blindfolded during this so I couldn't see who they were. I can't tell you how many there were, but they would come in, and surround me, each would place and hand on me, and then they would masturbate and ejaculate all over me. They did this several times, and I don't know for how long. There were some that wanted to violate me anally, and in my mouth, but an older man, who just sounded older, would tell them no, and to be patient as that would come later. I was touched, and my body did the unthinkable and did what I didn't want it to do. When they were done with me, I was cleaned up with a cleaner - I know I smelled bleach and chlorine. I was dressed, and put back in the vehicle, and was dropped off on a back road near where I was taken. I was told to leave the hood on for 5-10 mins before taking it off, and was told that they knew where I lived, so if I told anyone they would come back and kill me. I did what I thought I should do, and went home and took a shower - and went down to my room, and told myself that that whole ordeal never happened. I kept telling myself that over and over until I believed it. And there it stayed hidden for a long. long time. I am pretty sure that I still have not processed everything. And it was not easy writing that up, but every time I tell my story, I do feel a little bit better.
And I did go to my first SAA meeting yesterday. Just a small group of 3-5 people. They do have a much larger group that meets on Sundays, and I am going to attend one of those in the next week or so. Maybe knowing all the answers to the questions you asked might help you help me. I didn't talk much at the SAA meeting as it was my first, and talking in front of real people is a lot harder then sitting here behind my keyboard.
Thanks Again for the comments and support.