There is a connection to thinking that sex is the onliest thing. And, if you keep a carrot in front of a donkey, it will eventually follow the carrot. As a man thinks....so is he.

I believe there is definitely a connection between the two. They both have to do with sex, and they both involved people other than your husband's spouse (you). But there is an even more direct connection than what you are seeing.

Sexual addiction is a progressive disease. What works for the addict today won't necessarily work for him/her tomorrow, and the behaviors will need to escalate if the addiction is to continue to do its job. For your husband, that meant an escalation from porn to an extramarital affair. The next time he needs to escalate his behaviors, it might involve sex with a man, child molestation, or even rape. There's no telling which way this thing will go. It may also escalate into sexual anorexia. The only thing you can be sure of is that the disease will escalate as it progresses. The directions it will take will remain unknown until that next boundary is crossed.

Thanks - that confirms what I have been suspecting too. Can you clarify what you mean by sexual anorexia? I am assuming you mean he stops having sex... but I have also heard of porn sites that feature women who suffer from anorexia... so just thought I would double-check my assumption.

The sexual anorexia I'm talking about occurs when the addict shuts down completely sexually. It is a type of sexual addiction, but the opposite side of what most people expect. The traditional sex addict can't stop being sexual, while the sexual anorexic can't be sexual. It is often confused with things like inhibited sexual response (frigidity), impotence, and arousal disorders. This disorder has it's own set of symptoms and diagnostic criteria, and the anorexic will present with a childhood history that is exactly like what you'd find with a traditional sex addict.

If you'd be interested in learned more about sexual anorexia, there is an excellent book available on the subject that was written by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. titled "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred". The book is available from AMAZON.COM, and it costs about $17.00. Incidently, Dr, Carnes is the guy who wrote the definitive book on sexual addiction, "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction". This book is also available from AMAZON.COM.

Thanks for that info.

Yes there is a strong connection. Your husband is probably a sex addict like me. My wife see that viewing pornography and having an affair are the same things to her. Your husband needs to get into some good counseling and into a SA 12 step program. I bet he doesn't have very many true men friends. Don't give up yet.

He has been seeing a counselor for two years to deal with his feelings over this affair and apparently the counselor never once asked him if he views porn, goes to strip clubs, pressures me to have sex with other couples, or has a history with prostitutes. The only reason it came up recently is because I told him I was going to start attending S-Anon meetings, he was upset about that and he told her. I'm angry that it seems she never remotely clued in about this and it seems like a lot of wasted time and money... but that's just me. I'm trying to let that go and just hope that there was a reason for the delayed timing that I don't understand... maybe God does...

You might want to contact www.purewarriors.com or celebrate recovery. I'd put it to your husband that he needs to attend the event that Charli talked about or "Every man's battle". I went to a Pure Victory seminar through purewarriors. It was excellent and it got me on my road to recovery. You might have to have him leave especially if you have children. My wife told me to get out and then I agreed to get couseling. You are 100% correct in your thinkng about your husband. He is in denial. A good acronym for denial is "don't even know if I a lyer."
John

The only thing to add is that this blured lines for you as well as him. Claudia Black Phd has a new book out Decieved is the name. It is primarily for the wife or cosa. I would recomend you read it.

Although it does seem as though there is a strong connection in your husband's case, this isn't the case for all men or all porn addicts. I feel like my therapist and I have said this many times recently, but sometimes, a porn addiction is just a porn addiction. Could it be your husband has a sex addiction?

First off COUNSELING. Yes. I am Just not tackling issues in our marriage until we get qualified advise. We are doing really good right now. And there is a lot of stuff and I'm just not going to go there.

Porn and affairs are certainly linked if you guys aren't in on this together. I LIKE porn, I work in strip clubs. But if we aren't on the same page we're always going different directions.

I think that if there is a way to engage your husband on this level, go to the club w/ him, look at some porn and talk about what you both like.

We have lots of coutesies we afford each other, some lay out rules. Sometimes you need to abstain from all of that and engage each other.

It sounds like you two just dont understand each other. It is hard to have healthy sex when you feel smothered and misunderstood.

He and you both have unmet needs here.

Also, new experiences is a crap line. If he can't do something new with you, no wonder he's bored. (not that you won't let him, just that if he's the one closing that door it is no your fault.

i do not agree with the statement that SA is a progressive disease. first off addiction is not a disease. and just because they both include sex there are not the same. that's like saying that some one who is addicted to alcohol well move on to crack and eventually meth. now there is a possibility that could happen but very unlikely. porn is his drug of choice for some reason or another it is his way to control something when his world seems so out of control. and the lies are because he is ashamed and embarrassed of his addition. please research knowledge is power. make yourself powerful! one good book i suggest is a book called " the heart of addiction" by DR. lance dodes. a Harvard medical professor it has helped me and my wife with identifying addiction and understanding it.

I don't believe I've ever corrected anyone on this panel, but I'd like to do so with EddieAK now. First, addictions ARE a disease. They have been recognized as such by both the American Medical Association, and the American Psychiatric Association. And second, sexual addiction has been recognized as a legitimate addiction, and therefore a disease, and will be included as such in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (D.S.M. IV) of the American Psychiatric Association that is due out in early 2010. To say otherwise is just plain wrong!

Having said that EmTheo, I thought I'd point out a concern I have that was in your last response to your posting. You said your husband got upset when you told him you were going to be going to the S-Anon meetings. That does not sound like the kind of reaction I'd expect of a man in recovery. It sounds to me like he's feeling threatened by your attempts at recovery, like he's afraid you'll learn something about this disease that will make it harder for him to either act out, or hide the fact that he has been doing so from you. Whatever the case may be, it's a problem. If he was totally into recovery, and committed to growth and change, he would be encouraging you, not discouraging you from going to S-Anon. I just thought I'd throw that out for your consideration.

He has been supporting me going to the meetings one day and then getting really angry the next day that I "didn't ask him if I could go and share information to strangers about the most private part of his life". He is no where near going to a recovery meeting. I've only gone to three myself so far. He says he will never go...I am getting close to forcing the issue... can see that I might need to soon...

For whatever it's worth, your husband is scared to death. He probably couldn't tell you what he's scared of if his life depended on it, but he's scared. That's the only explanation I can see for his erratic switches in attitude concerning your attending recovery groups. At some level, he knows this whole thing will be coming to a head fairly soon, and that idea scares him. It won't be long before he'll need to make a decision: get into recovery himself, or leave the relationship. Bargaining and playing games won't work anymore. It's time for him to make a decision. And once he makes his, you will have to make yours. Good luck!!