Just tell it like it is. If he gets pissed off too bad. I say this from the perspective of a recovering SA. Recovery is premised on open, candid, honest discussion. Remind your h that he is the one who created an environment that lead to the lack of trust - does he expect you to simply trust him because he says so? It doesn't work that way. You reap what you sow.

If you can't have a civil discussion with him is that the kind of environment you want? What do you want? Are you willing to set boundaries on how you are willing to be treated? There is no reason you should be treated with disrespect and your feelings are just as important as your h's. Are you ready to stop letting your h frustrate you? Is the pain of living with him greater than the pain of being without him?

Just some questions you may wish to ponder.

Thanks Born. My h still gets mad if I question him and I believe that is part of manipulation on his part. It also does nothing for my trust but does raise a flag for distrust. I have to say from a spouses perspective I applaud your answer and it gives me hope.

One possible way to deal with your concerns is to bring them up when the two of you are in your therapist's office (assuming you are in couple's therapy). That way, you can air your worries and concerns, and both your and his feelings can be addressed, dealt with, and worked through.

If the two of you aren't in couple's therapy, I'll go along with borntorun's advice. And remember, a good fight is a great invitation to later intimacy. The wilder the fight (assuming no one gets physically injured), the greater the later intimacy. Some of the closest moments my ex-wife and I ever had followed knock down, drag out fights. It got to the point that I actually looked forward to them because of the intimacy that always followed.

ANGER IS GOOD. Really you say? It is my belief that anger is secondary to fear or pain or frustration. So I am trying to replace "I can see you are angry" with I can see you are hurt, frustraited or afriad." It helps, to get to the real point.

Second, if he is angry, he is still engaged. Anger means I care enough about you to try hide my false dispicable self from you. If he acted out and didnt care how you reacted, then your relationship would likely be at its end.

He is afraid of how you will react, because he really does not want to hurt you, so you can interpret his fear as => he really does not want to hurt you.

So, If my wife said, "Did you act out?" in a fearful (angry) or defensive hostile tone, I would have to muster a great deal of courage to be honest at that moment, in the face of the pending response which will likely be fear, anger of defensiveness. If she said something centered, supportive, or intimate, i.e. give him permission to tell you.

By the way, I have that courage because I have a poligraph scheduled for November. So she gets the honesty regardless of her behavior.

It may be better to try something like this (complements of Pia Melody, the Intimacy Factor)

You did or said this (Whatever makes you suspect he acted out)
What I make up about that is that you acted out or are having a relapse.
What I make myself feel about that is terror, fear and anger.
what I will do about that is promise you that if you are honest with me about anything that is going on with you, no matter how I feel about it, I will only say "Thank you for being honest with me" until tomorrow." I will also resepect your decision not to be honest with me and not bring this fear up again with you until you mention it.

This may be too much to ask of a SO who has been betrayed like all of our wives have, but if my wife said this and actually did what she promised, I would be singing like a bird. But thats just me.

And by the way, Charlie is right, Anger is a connection, resolution to that anger does create intimacy, and a simptom of intimacy is sexual connection. But I dont think charlie is saying get angry so the sex will happen. Intimacy is much more fun than sex. Right Charlie?

One other option is to print out your post at the top of the page, hand it to him and stand there looking in his eyes, without a word.

There are no secrets just denial. He knows you are worried, and if he acted out, he knows that to. Your post is sincerly concerned about him, and your relationship. It speaks your heart, pretty well.

So many words of wisdom here already. I'll add my two cents as a spouse of a sex addict who's in recovery.

I would agree w/ Choose...hand him the evidence and be silent. Or better yet, leave the evidence there and don't bother confronting him until you have real proof. Or are in a therapists office w/ him.

If you tell him you found something and suspect him of acting out, he'll likely just not do it that way again and try hiding it a different way (learned that from experience). And if all you found was a sign and not hard evidence, he will deny it. He'll protect his addiction (and your feelings...so he thinks) at all costs until he's ready to recover.

If he really is sober and working on his recovery, he should not get angry and be open to you asking him whatever you want to know. He has to go out of his way to be open and honest with you now and needs to understand that you may suspect things at times.

I'm telling you, if you don't find hard evidence he'll just deny it if he's not in a place to be honest yet. And even then, I remember finding hard core porn videos hidden in our basement one time. I put one in the DVD player and had it playing on the TV when he came home from work....he actually acted surprised and asked me what that video was, and told me it wasn't his, until he saw the look in my eyes of "are you kidding me?" He was so deep in self-protection mode he didn't even realize how silly his lies had become. He denied it even when I had evidence in front of his face.

I've gone through years of my husband being angry when I'd suspect something. It didn't matter how I brought it up. It wasn't until I had him schedule a polygraph test for himself that the anger and lying stopped.

Now if I want to ask him anything about how he's doing, or if I ask about him acting out, he is calm and talks with me as long as I need to talk. He comes forward with more information than I even need and that's good.

Anger always, in our situation, meant he was hiding something. The angrier he got, I learned, the more he was hiding. Every time.

Pay attention to his behavior. This is one thing my husband could not hide even if he tried. I always "knew" if he was acting out. I knew because of how he'd act around me. Distant, not interested in sex, like he had a wall up around him, not engaged in conversations, tired or sleeping a lot. These were his signs. Your husband will have his own. Once you key into those, that will be more valuable in confronting him and getting help in therapy, without making yourself crazy and compromising your own values by having to snoop for evidence. It will also be your gauge of how he's doing in his recovery.

As far as nice ways to approach it, that will depend on your husband. Has there been any way you've brought this up to him in the past that has worked?

I've said things like this (over the course of several conversations, just prior to his polygraph), "Look, I know you love me and you're so ashamed of all of this and you want to protect my feelings...I get that, really. I know the shame is unbearable. But I can't heal myself until I know the truth. I want you to know that whatever I learn from this polygraph, I will stay with you and work on the marriage for at least a year. We can't get better until you are honest with me and yourself. I noticed you had been acting strange and that's usually an indicator for me that you have been acting out...had you been acting out since we opened the business? I can live with learning about your bad behavior or even affairs, but I can't live with a liar anymore."

Like I said...these words were said over various conversations, but you get the idea. Preface your questions or accusations with "I know you love me and you don't want to hurt my feelings, but I need to know the truth if we're going to make this work..."

Make him feel safe enough to be honest with you. The best way to do this is not in how you preface the question, really, but in how you react to his answer. After you've been able to stay calm after hearing some difficult stuff, it'll be easier for him to share the next time. If you blow up at him every time he admits something, he'll probably want to avoid that.

And Charlie...lol...make-up sex after some intense fights was the best. No, the anger didn't do it, it was the deep discussions that would follow. After a revolution or new truth coming out, we knew each other on a deeper level, which led to more intimacy, which led to passion.

Thanks everyone for all your comments... it really does help me so much...just processing it all...

I've said things like this (over the course of several conversations, just prior to his polygraph), "Look, I know you love me and you're so ashamed of all of this and you want to protect my feelings...I get that, really. I know the shame is unbearable. But I can't heal myself until I know the truth. I want you to know that whatever I learn from this polygraph, I will stay with you and work on the marriage for at least a year. We can't get better until you are honest with me and yourself. I noticed you had been acting strange and that's usually an indicator for me that you have been acting out...had you been acting out since we opened the business? I can live with learning about your bad behavior or even affairs, but I can't live with a liar anymore."

This statement is all we need. It is safe, clear boundaries, and affirms my desire to love my wife, and to be honest. no defense, connected and intimate. That is what I need.

Thank you for the hope of a mature adult request for intimacy.

I agree with Born in many ways. When I feel bad about anything past or present...all I can do...or ever could do, is tell it like it is. No one else can tell me how to feel, or what I choose to do about how I feel.

I can only choose, if I want to, to make an offer...this is what I think...and this is what I feel. The thing being addressed is "how I feel." Not how he feels. I haven't a clue how he feels, nor will I ever know that, unless he tells me. And he doesn't know how I feel either, unless I tell him.

I have no control whatsoever over what he does in relation to what I feel. Telling him is a gift...from me. He can accept the gift and offer one in return...or not...his choice. If he responds to my "offer" of how I feel, for resolution, with anger, then there is no resolution possible at that time.

I have to disagree with Charlie on this one factor. Sounds like arguments had some sexual intimacy benefits for him. Thank goodness it does for someone. Must be nice. I've heard that is true of many.

But for me, arguments have never induced any kind of intimacy...other than venting feelings....and maybe hearing something that soothes them in some way...for my part. Certainly NOT sexual intimacy...particulary when discussing sexual issues. That is a sure damper for me on that. I just can't be agitated and feel sexual....oil and water for me...doesn't mix. I can't relax and be angry at the same time. So, no sex for me at that point.

And nothing pissed me off more, though I knew it was true, than when my h said, I know you love me, because you're angry with me. What I wanted to do at that point was illegal in most any state...HA!

It is true, in a way, if I was angry, and in any way whatsoever interested in talking about that, exposing my feelings as an invitation for resolution...for help...then I did care....enough to talk about it at least. And, showed some trust in him to respond in some beneficial way.

However, if I'm angry...angry enough...and refuse to talk any more...then the relationship is over at that point for me. I do know that. I've been there. I was angry enough to walk out and never speak of it with my x again. I resolved the anger on my own. By removing the source able to spark pain inside me and the subsequent anger.

Thanks Choose for insight into the "other" side. I was often flabbergasted that my h displayed anger. I was already hurt and therefore angry (in defense mode) and his anger (unjustifed to me) just fueled the defense mode for me. eadlocked....impasse.

So, for me...truth of my feelings is the only way...and an invitation to him. His response to that invitation goes far in determining what I will do with my feelings. I'll either feel that it does some good to share...or I'll stop sharing.