If you are early on in your recovery, job number one is to keep at it.

Being a spouse, I realized that I had to work on my own issues while my husband worked on his program. This was almost five years ago and while things did get better, it is only now that we are finally working on the finer points of our marriage relationship.

As for trust, she may never completely trust you so you have to let go of that and see that as a consequence. Again, you can only promise her one day at a time as it is so be accepting of that.

Forgiveness will come in time. Can you forgive yourself though?

I can't forgive myself right now, but will do for sure. But my question is - what kind of a relationship can exist without forgiveness and trust? If the best we can expect is a relationship without trust I would think we both deserve better?

bryan,

what if i turn the question back on you? what kind of relationship/marriage is there with infidelity, porn, sex addiction?
I agree with Shanas trust is something that may never be there 100 percent but through recovery, transparency, honesty, sobriety and a lot of hard work you relationship can survive? We spouses believe behaviors and actions, not words. If you and your wife are willing to do whatever you can do to save the marriage then it will be okay.

Transparency living is key to regaining some trust, but it can take years,( at the very least 2) to regain some trust....

My husband and I will be celebrating 15 years next week. I found out just before our 9th anniversary. I have three very close friends whose marriages are still in tact through this and I know many more. I also know many marriages that don't make it either because the husband doesn't stay the course or the wife just can't move forward in the marriage and the hurt is too great.

So of course I believe in hope of restoration in marriage and people. I hope your wife is getting the support she needs and counseling. I found my way with my faith and seeing my husbands faith begin and grow. Through every year no matter how bleak our marriage looked we managed to get our family to church.

I'm happy to say that I am very happily married again and look forward with joy and anticipation to the life my husband and I will have raising our children and then seeing our grandchildren. We love every opportunity we have to be alone (which isn't often), we laugh alot, when we are separated in a crowded room our eyes find each other; the hurt I once felt has been replaced with appreciation for the person my husband has become and the many years of hard work he has put into it. The trust has been restored in an even greater trust in God.

There is the law of sowing and reaping that I think we all generally agree is at work. You've sown many years of addiction and now you are reaping the consequences of that road. So now you are starting out on a new road and you have alot of sowing to do but in due time you will reap if you don't give up. The reaping that is coming your way you don't want to miss out on. And I pray that it includes your wife and the relationship. But even if for some unfortunate reason it doesn't at the end of the day you have to live with who you are and the choices you make. There has to be something in you that can be better and do better. Addiction as you are learning has robbed you it has taken and taken and taken and will continue to do that until you have nothing real left. I don't know about you but I'd be pretty darn pissed about that. So much so I wouldn't want to give it one more day of my life.

Bryan - Do you feel resentful of her? If so then this is something you need to let go of. Many addicts, even in recovery feel very resentful. The resentment is a form of protection against deeper painful feelings.
Work on moving towards empathy.
Forgiveness will come in time and trust takes years to rebuild.
Keep working on yourself and show her that you are committed to recovery.

@ Candycin - Of course I do not think a relationship can survive with an active porn addiction and that is one of the motivators for my strict recovery plan. I get your point on actions and behaviours - on that front we are only one small step into this so I should just stay the course.

@ Heartsadx3 - it is good to hear an actual success story! I suppose that most people who make this work drift away from places like this so people like me get an over-exaggerated sense of the failure rate. My wife does have a counsellor, and one that knows me having been our relationship counsellor for some time. One of the problems is that the counsellor seems to be set on separation as the answer. I have an actual psychotherapist and they tend to be more objective, but my wife's therapist appears to be getting more personally involved and I can't compete with that. Again, I guess the same applies with regard to behaviour and action and I should simply take a breath and continue my path.

@Shanas1254 - The one idea that I am not entertaining right now is a relapse, and that makes me very proud - over the last 18 months I have realised that my most common trigger was a downturn in our relationship - I would act like nothing mattered and it was effectively permission to relapse. But I do have an issue with the resentment. THe addict in me is resentful that she discovered this and blames her for the fact that we are going through this right now - of course that is absurd but that's how the worst of me is. The sensitive part of me is really hurt about the ways in which my wife continues to express her hurt. I go through another day of recovery, I share with her my observations, I stick to the course, and then I get a message from her that insinuates I am up to my old tricks or hiding something else.

bryan,

i do believe that marriages can last ...we had to let go of the idea of forgiveness and trust..(for now) and focus on recovery and healing...
My husband is now 18 months sober, working 12 step, recovery, therapy, and marriage therapy too. We are getting there...slowly...it seems that my husbands recovery is ahead of my healing and once he came to terms with that he stopped stressing about it....I read somewhere that for spouses it can take at least 2 years, up to 5...be patient, gentle, and work on that empathy.

Do you mean that her therapist suggested that you separate? Are you separated right now? How long have you been sober?

Resentment feeds the addict, working on that will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I soooo get your wife responding like that...its tough..she is still at that angry stage...took me about 12 months to get out of that...now i see everyday in recovery as a good thing...

My husband and I have separate rooms and bathrooms right now, and this has been the case since April. D-day was last November, he began therapy end of Jan, we met with his CSAT end of Feb, and his full disclosure was June.

In the period between full disclosure and my response, we were in separate homes. The pain and fury were too much for me to cope with his presence. Then he left for rehab.

My first counsellor recommended separation, but I refused, and changed therapists. I think remaining in the same home while I was receiving therapy was useful, as I needed to put boundary making in practice--it was very hard, because my husband was still blameshifting and deflecting during withdrawal. It was truly a living hell for me. I have told my husband I will not remain through that process again, but I did learn a lot through it.

Bryan I can feel your frustration. Stay positive about your recovery and dwell on that rather than your wife's feelings right now. She is not at all responsible for you in any way, shape or form in terms of your choices. Those are yours and yours alone.
Her trauma is still very tender. Plant a seed of compassion in your soul and allow that to grow and flourish. Let her know that you are truly grateful for her presence in your life and that you are humbled by it. Ask her about how she feels regularly because while you may be doing well, she may be struggling a lot right now.
Stay connected in any way you can and hang in there.

Bryan, one thing that helps me is to control what I can control. I can control me. My behavior. My attitude. My actions and reactions. I cannot control how my spouse reacts to me. That's up to her. If I am not doing what I need to be doing, then I need to improve myself. If I am doing all I can, after careful reflection, then I won't have any guilt. My wife's reaction to me is almost inconsequential to what I need to do. Her reaction to me is incidental. Bryan, stop worrying about your marriage and your wife for a bit, at times, and focus on your recovery, and what you can control. Let the chips fall where they may on everything else.

Many thanks all of you; it is great to hear your thoughts, and I really accept that the most important thing for me to focus right now is my recovery, to keep the channels open with my wife, and to accept that I cannot control how she feels about any of this, even if it is hard for me to do so.

Candycin - I have been abstinent since May 2013 with a handful of relapses, none of which were shared with my wife until early October. I am on a formal reboot, extending from basic abstinence to having a life vision, refraining from "peeking" of any form, including staring at women in public. I am on day 19 of this and going strong.

Actually I do not think that her therapist explicitly suggested a break but there is no doubt that she is sceptical about my recovery and wants my wife to be safe above all else.

We are not separated but I am currently sleeping on the couch most nights and trying to create as much space as one can in a small apartment with two kids!

My wife needs space to digest, she doesn't really want to be close to e right now, and my reboot involves no sex for the timebeing so I am fine with giving her that space.

I think we are both overwhelmed byt the road that lies ahead of us - and my wife is quite rightly thinking about taking a path that has less risk, rather than continuing to empower me to let her down again.

so have you given her full disclosure? So 19 days of complete sobriety that is great...everything i have read, learned etc says it has to be full sobriety,,,not half way in..

your wife will believe actions not words,,,,keep opening up, be honest,gentle and compassionate all while being true to you...

Bryan - 19 days of sobriety is great, but as you well know, sobriety comes one day at a time.
Keep this in mind whenever you speak with your wife. You can promise her the day, but nothing more than that.

i beg to differ....there is a whole new approach about recovery,...you can infact promise a future free of relapse, its all about changing your mindset, your life, the way you talk, the people you surround yourself with, the way you see people, the way you respond to situations....relapse has to not be an option anymore....dont make any promises to anyone, make them to yourself....

home seperation is a good thing too...we do what works for us...space is a good thing too...if she is working on her healing in the meantime....you working on your recovery....there will come a time when you will be both ready to work on the marriage together....

I don't want to detract from the subject matter of this thread. It's so important for any addict to stay sober one day at a time, especially at only 19 days sober. If anyone can do just that, then long-term sobriety is much more realistic. Being humbled by recovery is part of the process.