Hi, I’m a male so I can’t put myself in your shoes but I dearly love a woman who can. I’m a porn addict and she’s a sex addict. We are a couple of years older than you. She was risky and reckless for 25-ish years. Countless number of men and 3 abortions. Her parents intervened when they found out her boss put her up in a condo, hiding her from his wife, and was paying her cash in exchange for being his living sex doll. She moved several states away after that but her behavior continued. I got to the point I was watching porn as soon as I got home from work til time for sleep. I got to the point where I had cut ties with friends, totally isolated myself, zero self esteem, social anxiety and depression. I was suicidal. I decided to go to a therapist. I never talked about porn and was just trying to remedy the side effects. Didn’t help. She had to live in a tiny town, having slept with all available males. She was labeled, shunned and found it hard to show her face. So, that’s where the story ends; suicidal and lost without a stable, monogamous relationship.

We are Christians now. I don’t preach here. I only offer up two things. 1) Prayer helps and 2) give up the way you feel about and define yourself and instead live the way God defines you.

So what’s going on now? Here’s a spoiler alert. I’m going to talk more about those two things so if anybody doesn’t want to hear it, stop reading. You’ve been warned Christian content is coming.

I don’t know why God totally heals some people and not others. Am I no longer behaving like an addict since becoming a Christ follower? Nope. I’m tempted. I backslide. But I’m not suicidal. I have positive self esteem. I no longer have anxiety. I’m happy not depressed and have a new fellowship of friends, no longer isolated. And the greatest: there is no shame. The woman I’ve been speaking of feels the same. What’s the difference? God created us and we are his children; he loves us unconditionally. He looks at us and smiles. Jesus was clear to say, in this life you will have trouble .” We have free will and people make the wrong decisions. Therefore trouble. But he immediately followed up by saying, “ take heart, I have overcome the world.” What does that mean?

Jesus has just very simply, out of his gentleness and kindness, made us an offer: “give me your baggage with the depression and shame that comes with it, and I will redeem it and give you my peace In return. My peace endures forever. You no longer have to be defined by what happens to you in this world, but rather be defined by what my pure love is.”

This is why I say start talking to God. Like you would with a good friend over coffee. He knows you already so you don’t have to put up a front. If you’re pissed, bring it. If it’s a bad day, gripe about it. If you’re desperate, ask for help. If you invite him in to take your baggage, you will get that help in return.

Just start talking. Talking it out leads to the place where you can exchange baggage for peace.

@heismercy - I appreciate your response. It sounds selfish, but I’m glad to hear your wife’s story because it makes me feel less alone. (Like I said before, I KNOW it’s not a “male specific problem”, but I think society gives men a “pass” which in turn makes it feel more male specific.)

For those who are not interested in the “Christian” part of this conversation, please don’t start a disagreement about beliefs. That will not help me. I WANT to hear from everyone that feels they can help or has insight. Please share with me, but please do not let this become a debate about God!

@heismercy, I think part of my guilt and shame is that I grew up a Christian. I KNEW masterbating with distorted thoughts was wrong when I was a kid. I knew sex outside of marriage was not part of God’s plan for us. I knew watching porn was not a Godly decision. I had the knowledge of how to live a Godly life and chose not to follow it in my sexual life. I’ve asked God for help to stop and would for a period. When I have a one night stand, I plead with God to heal me and to help me make better choices. I wholeheartedly believe He can heal who earnestly ask for healing. I don’t understand why I’m still acting out. I think that not being able to orgasm has put me at rock bottom. (I read that and see it as sounding so incredibly lame. Lack of orgasms are not the end of the world. But when you have the desire and can’t fulfill it, it causes pain there. So now I’m frustrated emotionally, feel alone, and in pain and that is not a fun place to be.)

I do have a good understanding of how to talk to God. I know it’s not a formal, one way conversation. It’s a constant flow of communication. What I don’t understand is why I’m still behaving this way when I’m begging God to help.
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For me...there has been a formula and process. There is a great song lyric, “ can anybody hear me? The silence is deafening. Why do you feel so far away? But I know you’re here with me, I just need the faith to see nothing can separate me from your love.” I was hiding behind such high and thick walls made of shame I really was isolating myself more and more. I was afraid of people/relationships. I took a step of faith and got in a “small group “ at church. In short, I was able to purge my problem, make myself vulnerable. I was accepted and not judged and the relief of exposing myself was life changing. Things kept getting better. Porn addiction included. That’s me.

Others find relief in a 12 step. Or through private counseling. I hope people will chime in here for you. Listening to others experiences is healing and they may have advice that is spot on. You know the angle I’m coming from. I say tell someone what you’re going through. There is relief in transparency. God didn’t give me a light switch that changed things immediately or make it disappear. He gave me a group of 8 guys that have their own struggles too. I didn’t stand out as the odd one. I’m healing.

Oooohhhhhhhhhh...... but i reeeeaaaaally don’t want to go tell people without the safe anonymity of being online. Putting this online was super hard. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to go and tell people face to face about this. Now I need to ask myself if I want to divulge this to my therapist, a very trusted friend (I’m not sure that would be helpful), or join a group. When I was married, my ex attended a group for sex addicts called ARC (addicts recovering in Christ) and I attended ARC Wives. That was a 12 step program for the guys and for the wives we were a support for each other going through our husbands addictions. It was hard enough going to those meetings as the wife of a man who was the addict.

Speaking of my marriage, I don’t understand this. I made risky choices before him. Then for 19 years (2 years of dating and 17 years of marriage), I only had sex with my husband and rarely masterbated. (I did not start watching porn until a few years ago.) Why? And why can’t I stop now?

Another thing. I had a first date with a guy last week that ended with a very short, very simple little kiss. I like this guy. I do not want to have sex with him yet and I’m terrified that I will ruin it and jump into bed with him.

@tuesdayschild - I really appreciate you opening up in this anonymous online forum. That shows a great heart. You have hope. Better days are ahead.

The main thing I wanted to say is that you are not alone. See what just a little bit of anonymous opening up has shown you? That there are people that support you when you open up.

One of the most helpful things I have in my life is a friend that I speak openly with on a weekly basis. We talk about everything. He is one of my best friends.

What you’re seeking is intimacy. We all need that.

My hope for you is you will continue on this path of reaching out for help and will one day soon be able to open up to, and confide in, at least one person who will support you in a non-judgmental way. If you are open to it, you can even pray that God will lead you to just the right person. I have already prayed that for you and believe they are on the way.

The other thing I want to say is that your worth and your value does NOT come from your behavior. This has been the most important and yet most difficult lesson for me to learn. Yet it is this single most important lesson that has transformed me inwardly.

When you can accept yourself for who you are, and not what you do, you will find it so much easier to open up with people, because you will find that, even if others judge you, you will not be judging yourself, and that’s all that really matters.

Hang in there.

If your an alcoholic or abuse drugs and get clean, people are proud of you. If your a porn or sex addict, your labeled as a perv and can never shake it. I too am in Healthcare. Do you know your triggers?

@been there2 and @pobevin Thank you for your replys. @beenthere2, thank you for your prayer. I have thought a handful of times about who in my life I could talk to about this. I am not brave enough yet, not do I know who I would confide in.

@pobevin, I’m not sure what my triggers are. Possibly feeling lonely.

Lets start at the beginning.

God loves you no matter what you do.

You are a special person and worthwhile.

Even if you masturbate too much, or have risky sex, you are still a person God loves.

Start by realizing you are good and love yourself.

@FarmMom Thank you for the reminder of God’s love and grace.

So. I have slept with 3 guys this week, frustrated about the lack of orgasm and then watched porn last night so I could relieve that frustration. AND my dog destroyed my Christmas tree! Not a great week. I even fully disclosed all of this to the guy I mentioned in my previous post... and then we had sex. Last night we went on our second date and I told him about everything and how I felt about it. I think it turned him on. I’m so upset. I’m not sure what I’m feeling actually.

I understand. It is so hard to stop risky behavior, and to follow through with our commitments. Know you are still a good person.

Hi. I am just a bit older than you. I struggle with this a lot. I think my reasons are more related to a past of trauma and so it’s like a symptom. What you say though about orgasm and risky behaviors I struggle with daily.
A lot is my environment and my mental illness.. So my situation may be a bit different but my thoughts mirror the same as yours.
I finally sought a therapist to help with it all. It’s super slow going so far, but hopeful.
My reasons for acting out, I’m still trying to figure it all out, I think revolves about how worthless i feel about myself. A lot of my behaviors help me to achieve a high to numb out my real feelings. I don’t have a core belief I am a good person. I put myself in situations that mimic my feelings and reinforce that worthlessness. And I find it comfortable. I know how to do unhealthy. The reality and honesty requires to find my “worth” scare me so much. So that’s where I need a therapist that has tools to help me see what I’m trying to run away from.
I know not everyone’s addictions revolve from previous trauma, but I k is old patterns and thought processes we have experienced over a lifetime help to mold our choices today.
I have to look at porn to normalize the type of sex I engage in.
I also married someone that I didn’t realize until I’ve this last year struggles with porn and porn engaging behaviors with
me. And he knows he is adding to my trauma but he is an addict also, but won’t look at his own struggles with it or admit it may be causing harm and should stop. I’m not innocent though by any means. We both have stuff. Neither innocent of inflicting pain on the other, not intentional necessarily.
So it’s complicated.
This is why I’m here to feel support to try to get myself healthier and face my truth and let go of the same pattern over and over.
Thank you for sharing your story. I get what you are saying by “a man problem “
It makes it difficult to be open about it,. Here where I live there are program, cost though, specifically only women. I think people are getting a better understanding that porn doesn’t discriminate to any one audience.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭

Some look for peace in a bar or a dot com. There I found the peace the world can give. At its best It is emptiness.

All the while I knew where real peace was. It’s not going anywhere; it’s nailed to a cross. But no, I stared at a million dollars and turned it down because I had faith id get more out of the penny in my pocket

Maybe that orgasm you can’t find is just a way of saying you’re looking in the wrong place. Since you already know God, he is going to fight extra hard for you. He does it by taking us to the end of our rope. Painful, but a set up for that peace only the Jesus can give. It’s usually found on our knees.

I understand the feeling of being completely alone. I am a female too, and addicted to pornography. It’s so hard to admit to myself sometimes because it seems like females don’t have this problem but we definitely do. You are NOT alone. In support, I believe we can totally recover.